Recent Posts

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10
Environment & Weather / Re: El Hierro
« Last post by jand on Today at 04:25:43 »
Last night a 1.7 earthquake at a shallow depth of 6km Tenerife.

1.7 mbLg  S REALEJO ALTO.ITF  2018/01/21 20:31:16  6  +info

Report courtesy of Enrique.

''earthquake in the alto, Tenerife, Canary Islands.- 21/01/2018.-a few minutes ago a 1.7 6-mile earthquake was located under the escarpment of the valley. It is fully appreciated in Maci, the vertical sign of the right in which the whole day comes out. It's not the schedule yet.''

Es2018aognp 21/01/2018 20:31:16 20:31:16 28.3382-16.5886 6.3 km m 1.7 mblg s realejo high. Itf
Jokes - Please vote. / A few more one-liners
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on Today at 01:19:23 »
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!   Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
Jokes - Please vote. / Dorothy & Edna
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on Today at 01:14:13 »
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson from unit 3C asked me out for a date.
I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk to you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs.     And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show.   Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Jokes - Please vote. / Why, why, why?
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on Today at 01:12:16 »

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide :-\
So, let's examine the evidence::

     (1)   No Christmas  :(

     (2)   No Television   

     (3)   No Football   ???

     (4)   No Nude Women    :o

     (5)   No Pork Chops   :(

     (6)   No Hot Dogs

     (7)   No Burgers   :o

     (8)   No Beer    :'(

     (9)   No Bacon

     (10)  Rags for Clothes

     (11)  Towels for Hats 

     (12)  Constant Wailing from some Idiot in a Tower 

     (13)  More than One Wife   >:(

     (14)  More than One Mother in Law   :o

     (15)  You can't Shave :(

     (16)  Your Wife Can't Shave   ;D

     (17)  You can't Wash Off the Smell of Donkey

     (18)  You Cook Over Burning Camel Dung

     (19)  Your Wife is Picked by Someone Else for You   :-*

     (20)  Your Wife Smells Worse Than Your Donkey    >:D

THEN, they tell you that "When you die, it all gets much better

Well, No S**t Sherlock :o  It's not like it could get much worse 
Jokes - Please vote. / Cheap seats
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on Today at 01:04:00 »
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man just mumbled something but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just was incoherent 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the disheveled man,
but with no success. Thinking him to be drunk

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right mate what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,

Fred replied, off "The balcony."
Jokes - Please vote. / A few old ones
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on Today at 00:58:59 »
I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go....
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to England so that they can see their own doctor.
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's number two at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Brixton.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

A man brings his  best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.
 "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking
tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for? "

"Because he's thinking of getting married..."
Jokes - Please vote. / Out of the mouths of babes
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on Today at 00:55:18 »
The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, honey," he replied proudly, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked...

*     *     *
A Sunday school teacher once asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did much fishing while he was on the ark?"
"No," said Johnny. "How could he, with only two worms?"

*     *     *
Little George and his family were having dinner at his grandmother's house. As the food was being served, George began eating right away.
"George! Please wait until we are finished saying our prayer!" his mother said.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course you do! We always say a prayer before we eat at our house."
"That's at our house," George explained. "But this is grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
Jokes - Please vote. / Some old one-liners
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on Today at 00:51:22 »
Old yet still good...

1. Two blonde's walk into a'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to the army and navy stores to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
 A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat

10. Our ice cream man was found dead lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

'Is it common?'

"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his neck and teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Che-min.....
I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat pig!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places"

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Jokes - Please vote. / Terry
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on Today at 00:42:23 »
A woman walks into a benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'   
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
  'OK, and who's next?'
  'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' 
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes, it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' and
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop.
 It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'   

That's easy she said---

'I call them by their surnames!'
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10