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Jokes - Please vote. / Don't mess with the OLD
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on January 20, 2018, 23:34:05 pm »
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
 
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
 
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
 
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

 
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
 
'Dammit... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
 
Moral of this story ?
 
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS
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Jokes - Please vote. / family tradition
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on January 20, 2018, 23:23:09 pm »
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip number two"
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Jokes - Please vote. / email
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on January 20, 2018, 23:19:47 pm »
The mother-in-law arrives at her daughter's house after shopping only to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
 
"What happened?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, naked with a guy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done.
I'm leaving forever!"
 
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing to upset you! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
 
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back, a big smile on her face.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation,







......she didn't receive your e-mail".
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Jokes - Please vote. / Cheap drinks
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on January 20, 2018, 23:13:52 pm »
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London .

They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their pints, and order another round.

Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."
They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a 1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for 25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer. It's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says,

"They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price
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Jokes - Please vote. / Hiring an assassin
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on January 20, 2018, 23:10:15 pm »
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

 After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of  the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'   :-*

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

 The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'   :o

 The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

 Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.

 The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill him with the chair!'   ;D
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Jokes - Please vote. / My Blackberry isn't working
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on January 20, 2018, 22:55:01 pm »

7
General Chat / Re: Brexit
« Last post by vivafuerte on January 20, 2018, 22:43:42 pm »
hey gagdwood, is that your inferiority complex we can all see again ? :D
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Environment & Weather / Re: What's the weather like? - January 2018
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on January 20, 2018, 22:30:34 pm »
Some nice sunshine although I never really felt warm due to the chilly breeze. Quite a bit of cloud around.

7pm:

9
General Chat / Re: Brexit
« Last post by Ivemovedon on January 20, 2018, 22:18:30 pm »
Who cares if the UK slips back to 1886, at least it won't have to bail Ireland out anymore. Or Greece or Italy come to that.

Not that it is likely but I think a lot of people would be against thinking that going back to a Victorian age would be anything but disastrous!!
Back then a lot of the world were bailing England out when they sent anything of value back to the Queen. And now the chicks are coming home to roost.

The natives are revolting again. 🤣🤣🤣

10
Son of Dross / Re: TWO WORDS
« Last post by Baldy on January 20, 2018, 22:12:21 pm »

Dodgy deal
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