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1
General Chat / Re: Ryanair
« Last post by vivafuerte on April 22, 2018, 23:26:55 pm »
advertising standards require you to show you are a shareholder in ryanair before backing their ill founded and disgracefull business practises.

be honest for once, just once.
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General Chat / Re: Spain's Concerns Over Brexit
« Last post by vivafuerte on April 22, 2018, 23:25:21 pm »
im looking like a bit of a fool again

we all agree
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Jokes - Please vote. / English language
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on April 22, 2018, 23:15:52 pm »
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
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Jokes - Please vote. / Three kick rule
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on April 22, 2018, 23:13:17 pm »
 A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigate responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
 
The old farmer replied.  "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.  and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana.  We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code.  We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
 
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"
 
The Farmer replied.  "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
 
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped
him to his knees where he immediately vomited. The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's
third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,  "Naw, I give up.  You can have the duck."
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Jokes - Please vote. / Funny motor insurance claims
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on April 22, 2018, 23:06:34 pm »
"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early." (thanks N Bradley)

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate throught the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - ack N Shepherd)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim. (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)
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Jokes - Please vote. / Boy in court
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on April 22, 2018, 22:53:04 pm »
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Northumbrian courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to  WIGAN RLFC    whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
7
Jokes - Please vote. / Terrible cough
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on April 22, 2018, 22:43:46 pm »

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"




8
Jokes - Please vote. / Press cuts
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on April 22, 2018, 22:41:37 pm »
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)


 2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
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Jokes - Please vote. / Adam and Eve
« Last post by TamaraEnLaPlaya on April 22, 2018, 22:25:06 pm »
God one day decided he ought to check in with Adam to see how things were going.

"Adam....How are things going?"

Adam replies that he considers himself quite fortunate to be living in such a beautiful and peaceful place but he did have a couple of questions to ask, if the Lord didn't mind, of course.

"No problem," said the Lord, "Ask away"

"Well Lord, I was wondering why you made Eve so beautiful? Not that I'm complaining, mind you."

"Adam, I made Eve so beautiful so that you would like her."

"Oh, well yes, I do like her very much. Thank you Lord. You made her so beautiful, but why is it then that you made her so stupid?"

"Well Adam, I had to make sure she liked you too!"
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General Chat / Re: Ryanair
« Last post by dagwood on April 22, 2018, 22:18:09 pm »
Viva airlines with a SWASTICIA painted on the tail.
There was once a guy who looked like Charlie Chaplin had one like it years ago.
Only Viva will be snookered after Brexit if it ever happens.
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