Once there was
This Yorkshire boy
Who tried to
Be a hero
By sorting the
The lost posts
So all is
Back to where
it should be
and the usual
banter now can
is a reformed
Character and refusing
to post naughty
pictures or even
The lovely camel
which has lovely
Humps and toes
That cause him
hot flushes from
the over exertion
playing with his
Pipes whilst he
drove his tractor
Down to the
Paradise club to
Try and find
some female company
who will appreciate
His shiny brass
euros that he
Stole from the
Beggars collection pot
Which was in
the Caleta underpass
which he also
Uses when he
needs to have
A whizz and
makes the place
Smell like a
Cats been doing
Her ironing in
The dogs box
Where Dave keeps
Notes and coins
In case he
gets caught short
if it's his
Turn to buy
his Northern pals
Who appreciate a
Beer of a
southern flavour which
To be polite
Is like nectar
even if it's
too sophisticated for
our tender palates
Which are hardened
By the taste
Nasty Yorkshire ale
Which comes from
Leeds sewage system
Full of goodness
from Bob's visit
To the nearest
Porcelain pot which
could accommodate his
His large overfilled
Bowels which were
Bubbling nicely after
a large Balti
Which came out
Of the hotel
Food bins that
the flies couldn't
Even bear to
Go within ten
Miles of the
Life threatening excrement
That's spread on
The entire length
Of Blackpool beach
And ruined the
Donkeys with there
Kiss me quick
Hats thatwas
a looker according
To Cans diary
Which gave it
A respectable look
despite the fact
that it had
Been fermenting for
at least three
Months to develop
before the big
Day when it
Exploded into life
And provided Can
with something to
Put on his
Facebook page as
he wants to
Attract some lovely
Looking young ladies
to his barn
To entertain him
Whilst he tinkers
With his pipes
Making all sorts
Ear splitting noises
That drive people
To drink or
just throw themselves
Off tall buildings
to end the
Threat of Yorkshire
Invading Can's barn
The six hens
which were laying
Black pudding eggs
to make yorkshiremen
Fart and smell...........think that's OK young Can ;D
Like they were
Fresh out of
Soap and were
Actually done by
having no running
Water to flush
The grime off
mucky hands and
The other parts
The sun don't
shine despite having
See through undies
made of finest
PVC rescued from
The dungeon at
The paradise club
where cockeneee Dave
would never frequent
without his wallet
to pay for
whatever tickled his
mate from yorkshire's
Green and pleasant
land, where friendly
Folk are always
nice to cockenees
Because they can
sympathise with their
Shortcomings that they
suffer fools badly
When Northern brethren
spout a load
Of old cobblers
Down in Northampton
Where the team
are struggling to
Raise their game
And play any
Which way at
White hart lane
the home of
non scoring spurs
who cannot finish
And are losing
Their heads and
Burying them in
Rear orifice and
Blowing raspberry's through
Their ears which
The scousers love
So they will
Take the micky
To hide inadequacies
That were exposed
when they speak
About poor refs
From West Yorkshire
who cannot determine
A foul from
a cheating lout
In red shirts
Causing the sacking
Of the unfortunate
Useless coach who
Spent millions on
Useless misfiring farts
So paid the
With his job
Making way for
another foreign flop
To squander the
Money thats left
from the sale
Of meat pies
and jellied eels
Which are delicious
when deep fried
With pickled eggs
They sell like
victoria secrets lingergie
Which Dave likes
to wear when
The missus isn't
looking for her
Sexy fishnets which
Went out of
the drawer when
She married poor
Misunderstood young man
Who supported the
The local pub
Where he drank
Earl Grey tea
And dunked his
bourbon cream until
it went soggy
and flopped on
his brand new
Bradford Bulls shirt
which cost a
pound at Poundland
and dropped to
2 for1
Due to lack
Of interest from
The loyal supporters
who are becoming
Resigned to bankruptcy
and flats built
Or possibly mosques
or curry houses
On my beloved
club before it
is raised to
The ground and
becomes a house
Of ill repute
frequented by Can
accompanied by his
bodyguard and fitness
guru Bradford Jon
Who moderates Can
to make sure
We can all
go around and
Have a good
look at the
scantily clad women
displaying their wares
in the Golfclub
and exciting the
elder statesmen playing
Around with their
balls and markers
and pitch mark
The skid marks
On the green
Boxer shorts Jon
Gives to Dave
Who wears them
On his head
Like a pearly
Queen showing the
Thong strap in
To his mate
To floss with
So that he
can smile at
The paradise girls
with his pearlies
twinkling in the
vibrant spot lights
Blinding all around
The room so
Dave could hide
His wallet because
The northern pickpockets
Wouldn't stoop so
Low to remove
An old man,s
Wallet with his
wife looking menacing
At his pension
which he protects
Like his Spurs
protect the manager
which is part
of the daily
temporary appointments that
Take place all
of the time
At Ewood Park
Where DJ Campbell
Takes bets on
Hes in the squad for today
Rhodes to score
Yeah I saw that
an own goal
When he forgets
who he plays
For due to
dinner with Nigella
who likes a
3 course dinner
followed by a
night of passion
with young Can
and his smooth
Charismatic Irish charm
and musical prowess
And dodgy cigarettes
That he sells
from the back
Seat of his
Favourite brown tractor
Which bounced around
the furry dice
And nodding dog
Barks out the
Irish national anthem
And flies the
Flag in his
Back box bouncing
Merrily across the
Ploughed fields of
potatoes and leeks
and picked Brussels
for his Xmas
Lap dance in
The Paradise club
Where the first
The first drink
Echo can be
On the house
but subsequent drinks
are paid by
The exploited punters
Who have to
pay strippers exhorborant
Amounts of champagne
For a glimpse
Of the ample
Nether regions which
We all like
To fondle and
Stick dollar bills
Onto so that
he can get
The very best
Position to ensure
That he sees
The nookie crack
which looks like
A turkey giblet
Thats been torn
with jagged edges
From the constant
Fighting over the
Parsons nose which
Dave loved to
Lick and suck
As it reminded
Him of a
long lost lover
With a tight
Wallet that never
Opened to show
All the notes
Covered in cobwebs
That were out
Sunning themselves with
Steve taking pictures
Of Ms. Fuerteventura
And posting on
An X-rated forum
where moderator Jon
Has no authority
and cant take
Any action only
Admire the beauty
Of can,s photo,s
which are lovingly
Posted for all
to see except
the snooper from
Google watch dogs
with no sense
Of humour or
Any interest apart
From sniffing the
The gussets of
The ladies from
The paradise club
as they lapdance
Around the pole
Between Jon's legs
Which always disappoints
Lisa on Saturday
So she has
Bought a rampant
Rabbit from poundland
Jon gave her
For Christmas so
It will last
For a week
before over heating
And burning Can's
tender parts which
were under his
carefully ironed kilt
and manicured sporran
Full of euros
To spend lapdancing
Girls personal tips
In exchange for
A private dance
And discreet massage
With happy ending
Leaving a mess
on the chair
and all over
Her hand and
false teeth which
Were in the
Jaws of her
pet French poodle
Who charges €50
Just for a
quick lick of
The hairy gash
and a share
Of the profits
Are spent on
medication to cure
Can's nasty rash
Of blue spots
which he obtained
In the paradise
Club Los angels
with some unprotected
Moments with a
Blonde bald babe
who he disappointed
With his lack
of girth and
Only one inch
Eye slit in
His craggy face
As it reflected
The light from
Where the sun
Reflects off Dave's
shiney bald pallet
With the burnt
skin and wavy
Toupee blowing in
Fuerteventura gales which
Force Dave to
Retreat to the
Paradise club to
Drag Can out
kicking and screaming
While the girls
laughed at his
His tiny walnuts
And shrivelled sausage
which really was
past its sell
By date,so
plastic surgery was
Required to make
New and beautiful
looking person for
the world to
See and adore
and feed peanuts
To Jon's birds
in his garden
Where Bob hides
his soiled underwear
To avoid polluting
All of Bradford
And of Preston
not clogging up
The stinking sewers
That run under
White hart lane
in Bradford City
where big ron
Sees his seeds
and watches them
Grow like crazy
Into fine characters
In a soap
Dish where grit
gets imbedded in
In Christmas cheer
Knob end soap
Which is useful
To keep the
punters happy because
they like to
Give it a
rub around their
Less accessible areas
So a smooth
Shave will always
required before you
Pose for Can
in the nude
so Can can
Get a thrill
As he caresses
Those man moobs
With his bagpipes
while blowing softly
Into his sporran
Filled to the
brim with his
Holly berries and
Freshly cooked haggis
Black pudding and
A few cockles
And bullocks banjos
Cooked on slow
Reddened embers of
finest Irish peat
Dug from bog
And put on
The breasts of
A Dublin filly
Who chased him
and massaged into
His wrinkled pipes
and tartan bag
Swinging on shoulder
containing all his
Various sex toys
and other personal
instruments of torture
which he uses
for moderator revenge
as he plans
to overthrow the
the power base
Of northern rule
Over dresser land
Where predictive text
Messes up your
Drosser to dresser
Which is missed
But not by
The Gestapo moderator
Who sees all
and massages the
The girls ample
Egos with skill
Of dog whisperer
And talks to
Like she was
A proper woman
Who knew how
To cure Cans
Problem down below
Caused by his
Visit to paradise
Every two hours
For private services
From his favourite
Ryanair Air Hostess
Who measured his
Bottom to see
If two seats
Are required and
Charge him extra
for each centimeter
His big bum
is over a
Tiny bit of
Belly Button Fluff
They still charge
the battery for
Vacuuming up the
remains of the
seat before Trumpy
got on the
bike and rode
until the wheel
caught fire because
Ghostrider lashed out
and splashed mud
on his shiny
very expensive new
mudguard for his
excuse for a
mo mo bike
which was really
a three wheel
With a sidecar
and coal scuttle
up an alley
By the paradise
club to hold
the annual event
of skinning cats
And stir fry
to meet up
And feed the
Pussies on the
wall above the
barn where Can
likes to watch
With his expert
camera equipment which
when it works
can take close-ups
of things on
The naughty bits
from where all
Of Caleta has
to hide their
Little bright jewels
Which twinkle in
The dark zone
on the moon
That shone bright
On Corralejo where
Jon likes to
Meet Bob and
Feed him vodka
to keep him
in a good
mood until he
finds out that
it's his tab
So he slinks
Off to the
local bar were
He hides in
The toilets so
that Bob will
cool down before
Making his escape
with wallet in
His pocket ,still
unopened while Ron
Scrimped and scraped
Washing the dishes
So he can
Buy a book
Of cheques from
A dodgy geezer
Called Ronnie the
Bull who is
The top moderator
In spending others
Money in bars
To buy Can
A large malt
and a plate
Of jellied eels
which are delicious
To cockeneee palettes
with educated tongues
Which get stuck
to black puddings
Causing it to
Explode in the
Sound of song
Singing at the
northern gentle folk
Music which is
Loud and tuneless
To cockeneeee ruffians
Who think Chas
And Dave are
are the real
Deal, singing his
Gertcha and other
Modern day classics
like Ossie's Dream
Which inspired spurs
When they were
Fighting for survival
Which is a
Seasonal occurrence since
Dave stopped buying
his ticket because
Spurs can't win
Unless they play
Youngsters instead of
The old crocks
Who call themselves
The 1st team
And play like
Auld Wans limping
and diving into
The penalty box
Hoping to con
good old Howard
into buying them
Bale back from
The Spanish wasters
Who never play
in a challenging
Game due to
Gareths new manbag
Whos strap was
Called Jock and
came from Bradford
Market where the
finest Yorkshire ham
was consumed by
All the muslims
on a trip
to the brewery
over in Dublin
for Guinness Beer
which Can buys
to lubricate Northern
tastebuds to appreciate
the soft subtle
taste that permeates
from hops and
finest Irish water
from the river
That passes through
The middle of
Can's massive farm
Where their are
Busy harvesting the
Marijuana that keeps
Can in Euros
To spend at
the Paradise club
On large endowed
man who liked
To show off
his rippling muscles
And soiled sporran
which got splashed
With sour guinness
whilst brawling with
Bradford city fans
and pole dancers
Who made Can
A lotta money
and a reputation
for getting his
Evil way when
Hes in the
Naturist beaches with
the three remaining
Paradise club girls
That Can has
And picked when
the lightening struck
And shrivelled up
his precious bits
Like pork scratchings
For Ronnie to
put on the
Ledge outside the
stud bar where
the girls would
Hang their bikinis
from the tip
Of Steve's gate
To the bottom
Of his wall
where his geraniums
grow strong and
have lots of
small smelly red
Flowers that he
tends with love
before giving them
To the local
segway hire shop
To promote the
friendly banter up
At the top
of the page
Where they can
all learn to
chill a little
as they will
impload if they
exposed to a
Bit of friendly
off people from
Yorkshire who are
always best at
Eating black pudding
and drinking the
Finest traditional ale
and playing Cricket
Despite not having
any talent or
Any money to
Pay for anything
Except the pies
Which pile on
the pounds when
They should be
Digested very slowly
To reach peak
Fitness level suitable
For 90 mins
At the Bobby
Where cask ale
Is the normal
Choice for the
inbred dingle muther
friends who enjoy
drinking tar like
it is going
to be a
rowdy drunken evening
were it will
end up with
the police being
to the scene
And arresting the
Drunken rovers supporters
who had an
altercation with a
WI ladies outing
which had stopped
and robbed a
Sad Burnley supporter
of his dreams
Which are usually
Lost behind the
Big fat barmaid
in which he
Liked to bury
his head full
Of the fleshy
underbelly of the
Busty barmaid who
was sitting on
The bar playing
This little piggy
Goes to market
with the remaining
Yorkshire expats that
Struggle to cope
with the language
Of strange cockeneeees
Who humour poor
old little irishmen
with their little
pipes blowing merrily
away while also
he played with
his man bag
In which he
Had his perfume
And his false
Teeth in for
Everyone to use
When the buffet
Arrives from the
Kitchen where Jon
And Lisa together
Create magnificent food
For all to
Devour at the
El fresco feast
Before consuming large
Amounts of liquids
Before falling into
The swimming pool
With a blow
To the belly
which really stings
and makes the
Green inflatable alligator
got a sinking
feeling when it
Started deflating because
the glass in
The pool had
pierced a big
Hole in the
tail where Can
Tried to stick
A paradise girl
in the pudding
club but failed
because Trumpy managed
To provide extra
Latex lubricated protection
from his bikes
That really excited
the girls and
Got them enthused
with his throttle
Which hummed and
Vibrated causing the
shrieks of enjoyment
Which pleased Trumpy
as it confirmed
that his motorbike
passed its MOT
Despite having only
one wheel to
Scramble up the
Ant hill in
Great style with
Ron's scooter following
Close behind Can's
Penny farthing which
He'd restored using
Spares from his
old Triumph that
that superkev used
To get to
Middlesbrough football stadium
but it spilled
oil all over
The hallowed turf
which really annoys
Kev because he
got stains on
his pants from
the oil out
of the leaking
sealing ring that
sealed the orifice
to prevent the
easy access by
Congratulations on turning pink and being a hero Trumpy ;D ;D
allowing the flow
Ta, nice colour - I always wanted to be a hero
of loving fluid
4500 to demigod ;D
to drip down
off her chin
without even the
slightest bit of
doubt in her
mind that it
shouldn't have been
splashed around like
Can spilling his
cheapo Irish whiskey
which is preferable
To Yorkshire ale
Onto the carpet
Where Dee has
Her mouth open
Shouting orders to
Her ever faithful
Dog called bailey
and is a
Bit windy at
certain time of
The day after
a mutton vindaloo
And hours snoring
whilst lying on
her best dress
which left staines
which could be
the reason for
Her buying a
a pooper scoop
And a large
plastic bag to
put the waste
white stiletto's in
once the Essex
Princess had eaten
her healthy lunch
Of big mac
And strawberry smoothie
Which she ate
Through a straw
So not to
Put on weight
And look like
A telly tubby
Which will not
Demonstrate her best
Assets to her
And her admirers
Who adore and
Worship the ground
She walks on
By ass kissing
and other forms
Of lip caressing
which is really
Lovely especially for
the person on
His way from
The Bobby going
the motorway to
Watch Blackpool play
In the rain
And never win
a straw donkey
Wearing a sombrero
only 2 words Can
kiss me quick
Sorry Dave, corrected it, missed the letter a
Squeeze me slowly
and then ran
up the tower
And wees over
the attendant's shoes
Which were shiny
Black patent ones
that he bought
Cheap off Can
when he was
Drunk in the
paradise club where
The ladies like
To promote their
Best assets to
the Irish punters
Who spend all
The day drinking
Guinness and whiskey
and ogling pretty
Russian girls who
like Irish sugar
Daddies to provide
loads of laundered
Money to buy
drugs and weapons
To take on
The afgan rebels
And blow up
The kebab shop
Which would be
very messy to
clean up with
Only a small
Pair of Dee's
Bridget Jones undies
Which cost a
Pound at Oxfam
With two careful
Hope Dee doesn't look at this thread
Glances around before
Going for the
the wet gusset ???
Caused by too
glasses of her
Lambrini and a
Slice of cake
imported from Holand
that tasted like
Gingerbread but we
gave it to
The old dears
down at the
old folks home
Otherwise known as
The Bobby where
An ex poster
who we used
To love and
And cherish the
banter and leg
Pulling despite the
fact that he
Called Bob names
and Trumpy hadn't
Even met him
which probably isn't
A bad thing
unless Trump's got
a strange fetish
For postman pat
In his shorts
with man bag
which he kept
His make up
And red letters
In while he
Does his rounds
Ambling along whilst
whistling his favorite
tune, even though
he is very
out of tune
with the rest
of the people
and thinks he
can scramble all
Of the notes
and still be
Mistaken for Slim
whitman/shady/jim
good one Bob
But sounds like
he had help
from Can's bagpipes
which sounded like
a strangled cat
which made Trumpy
Drop his bike
And run for
His baffle pipe
and reach for
His hells angels
to put an
End to the
noise from the
Bagpipes that Can
had tuned to
sound like a
horrid wailing banshee
that was stuck
in a lift
with his favourite
girl from the
local women's institute
who's Honey is
finger licking good
And so sticky
you cant take
The hairs off
without removing the
skin which is
Attached to the
long ugly looking
Thing that protrudes
just below his
Sporran where he
Keeps his nuts
to feed his
Squirrlel and the
Other wild creatures
that were hanging
off his soiled
prophylactic that he
took to prevent
from catching the
clap from the
ladies at the
club where he
Liked to visit
during the twilight
Hours so not
to be seen
By the people
who watch from
The peepholes in
their net curtains
Because it gave
them something to
Do when they
retire from the
Work environment and
Spend their hours
Supping ale and
Perving at the
Ladies on the
top of the
Paradise club pole
Whilst they writh
in pain with
Cans terrible jokes
to which there
is no antidote
Known to man
Apart from earplugs
and a bottle
Of paracetamol to
Clear the way
For Steve's camera
to catch the
Precise moment when
the legs become
Crashing down on
Top of poor
Jon and Dee
and knocked them
Off their bed
into the pool
Where the cold
water deflated Ron's
Manhood and he
Quickly got some
blue tablets to
Help hold up
His designer trousers
Which he got
The waistband expanded
to tuck in
His beer gut
and black pudding
to make it
More satisfying for
His weight watchers
special tinned soup
Which is like
eating the lining
Of stewed knickers
from a large
Train buffet car
Who's train had
been repaired by
Bob and his
mates at the
Train station where
Now in English please
Tis done
they got lost
Under a pile
of very old
ham sandwiches which
Bob brought along
because far cheaper
Than the railway
rubbish that is
Served on the
Good old passenger
Pulman dinning car
Where they pay
through the nose
for mouldy stale
Bread with putrid
fillings that are
Not fit for
feeding to rats
That live in
the sewers beneath
Bob's overused loo
at the station
in Leeds where
People from essex
Get lost very
quickly due to
their lack of
understanding broken English
cos tha's noreet
Lol Jon
People speak a
wi a strange
load of intelligible
words just to
Wind them up
From darn sarf
with wonderful people
Who help us
Make us feel
Glad to be
born oop north
Where the sheep
are pure pedigrees
And will only
Provide the best
Rear push pressure
when their ears
Are tied back
and they are
Given a good
dose of mint
sauce to keep
up their intake
of fresh herbs
which keeps the
ailments at bay
And improve beauty
in the eye
Of the beholder
or so they
can fantasise during
Sex with the
Camel and goats
Thats tethered at
Can's small holding
just down the
Road from the
Bobby where Paddy
Is known to
sup a few
Pints of gop
before chatting up
The aged barman
with his manbag
Which match paddy,s
Rupert bear trousers
In which he
pulled the barmaid
Who was blind
And delusional to
Believe that Can
could behave and
and keep his
dirty hands off
The busty barmaid
But the temptation
Was to much
For randy Jon
who just had
A rising moment
in his pants
Peeping over his
Orchestra stools which
Piled up in
Generously proportioned apparel
Containing ball sacks
And hairy objects
that should be
Given to Trumpy
so that he
Can shave them
and apply lotion
In liberal amounts
To ease the
chaffing pains caused
By rubbing his
rubber duck against
The legs of
the big Russian
That was helping
Find his lost
Sporran which had
got mildew forming
Around the back
which turned green
Like a frog
And made him
Jump into the
hot tub with
Kat and Nelly
Who were bathing
in full-cream milk
To help their
wrinkled skin turn
All smooth and
like a babies
bottom that has
been wrapped in
grease proof paper
All smooth and
contoured over their
their backs after
ZZ has blasted
poor old Can
just for telling
him what a
knob he sounds
but then thats
the way they
are up there
In general chat
Where the trolls
invade every thread
And contribute zilch
even picking on
people who try
Help genuine posters
And completely hijack
and behave despicably
Unlike drossers who
all get along
nice and polite
even when red
cards are proffered
To our southern
heroes who are
Recovering gracefully and
humour the northern
Moderator and fusspot
with corny chat-up
To tasty Essex
lassies who appreciate
Jellied eels and
the Ilford Palais
Can meet their
brainy Essex chaps
Who play golf
and dog racing
Wearing pearly caps
and gold medallions
With hairy chest
driving red Mondeos
With flags flying
and furry dice
And nodding dogs
which hypnotise the
Onlooking public as
it passes Southend
which is the
Londoners holiday resort
But if they
walk the pier
the might as
Being fit people
who nobody understands
how the maintain
their beer guts
they once had
a hairy head
and Adonis like
women except Dee
who Ron thinks
the sun shines
from her eyes
And not her
little Bailey who
Farts for England
And stinks the
kitchen tiles off
The floor so
you don't notice
The skid marks
left behind when
the washing machine
broke down because
The agitator snapped
from the weight
Of Bailey's basket
And spewed water
all over poor
Dee who had
only a teeshirt
On and no
bra so you
Could see the
all the delights
That were on
offer to Jon
When Glenn had
the reigns of
His beautiful princess
Tied up to
four poster bed
In the premier
Inn in Clacton
Where he exposed
All his wares
which made her
Blush and fall
down laughing at
His fantastic jokes
and his chipolata
Sausage sandwich which
did not satisfy
Her delicate Palate
or Wigan girls ;D
Who was starving
and ready to
Have a boiled
side of beef
With Yorks puddings
chips and vegetables
followed by dessert
and washed down
with a bottle
Aldi white wine
Cava, brandies and
cocktails then she
dance the night
Away before she
goes for supper
At the chippy
where the fish
Is battered and
accompanied by Wallies
Who are only
usual Blackburn supporters
Who prefer chicken
Indian style with
A couple of
new management appointments
who were only
ex curry chefs
from fusion 22
where the best
Indian food can
Be served by
old Venky employees
led by Keano
Who was filling
The chapatis with
black pudding mix
For the Northern
Blokes who hate
being polite to
Southern spurs supporters
who are patient
except with refs
Who have no
knowledge of the
Workings of women
who can test
The patience of
The most ardent
Banties supporter who
Likes to think
they will recover
forlorn as it
because they are
absolutely beyond help
and prime for
retirement from all
activities which involve
Any type of
bodily fluid exchange
Between two people
Who are in
a sexual relationship
And enjoying every
single moment of
The stimulating conversations
before indulging in
a difficult jigsaw
of an interesting
Subject which may
offend those with
No sense of
humour such as
Scottish or Irish
comic geniuses who
Tell terrible jokes
that make us
Weep in despair
and beg for
Locking the thread
to put us
in a happy
Mood instead of
Being upset and
wanting to kick
The dog or
Grab his bagpipes
And start to
throttle him with
Tartan posing pouch
Bulging with his
latest copy of
Hustler and FMO
So that he
has something exciting
To read whilst
strumming in tune
With the screeching
nails against his
Cracked french window
trying to clear
The bird poo
so he can
See his way
into her brightly
Lit boudoir which
his handcuffs were
Secured to the
pole in her
Downstairs basement which
has seen many
Pole dancing displays
After a few
Too many vodkas
which is not
What Dave usually
likes when on
his trip to
the jellied eel
Stall down the
Slums of east
End of London
Where the cockeneeee
Like dee and
Dave frequent to
Have a knees
Up down at
The old bush
Where they watch
Pearly kings and
Queens strutting there
Cockineeeeee dance moves
To Chas and
DAVE who are
ardent Spurs supporters
singing ' im forever
slapping Yorkshire yobs
who cockenees dont
tolerate because they
are not a
lover of jellied
implants to their
women but Essex
don't need enhancing
although they do
exhaust their men
with constant nagging
for more love
From northern men
Is the way
forward especially when
past their prime
cockenees on medication
kicking northern butts
with his crocs
wedged in their
sexy rippling muscles
in their bellies
is a desire
of black pudding
and other delicacies
that they indulge
in with finesse
To show that
they are backward
at insulting cockeneeeeeeees
the northern Jessies
don't wear sandals
without white socks
to protect the
Thier little piggies
from the sun's
Rays which can
penetrate the handkerchief
Which is knotted
around Daves head
which is well
Protected due to
being a slaphead
Denial as he
Sticks it up
the northern wimps
Rear ends that
are used to
Being spread wide
by butch Geordies
Who grease their
weapons before they
insert between the
black dotted lines
Around the scrotum
Making sure you
Let Can play
within the rules
Without being moderated
for being too
Rude or posting
Saucy pics of
Scantily clad ladies
Which he drools
Over all day
and most of
Other forum drossers
Dont take any
notice because they
Are not perverted
but clean living
Northern men are
more into sheep
who don't reject
the advances of
Classy northern ladies
who are always
Chased by southern
White rhinos with
with insatiable appetites
for scantily clad
Irish colleens who
wear green knickers
with shamrock patterns
With little leprechuan
Can ready for
My Irish Molly
Who was going
To give him
A nice big
Turkey to stuff
ready for his
Dinner date with
the Paradise girls
Who perform around
Can's pulsating body
so then he
Plays his bagpipes
to the tune
Of his favourite
three words that
Cant be posted
because of the
The rude nature
of the content
which Can thrives
To write for
not making sense
For Drossers who
are slightly insane
For lack of
Easy access to
Scantily clad ladies
with very large
Rear bumpers split
straining the fabric
Until it was
Only appealing to
depraved Irish folk
Travelling the country
on their tractors
ploughing every furrow
playing with his
bagpipes whilst wearing
his favourite plaid
kilt and whistling
sporran full of
sweeties for the
prettiest looking of
The sheep that
he once had
Taken to the
local barn dance
To show to
How to do
The correct steps
So not to
Upset riverdance fans
Who think they
Can dance on
Any stage in
Preston without falling
into the laps
Of the local
Bobby drinking club
which is frequented
by forum member
who used to
post on here
until he got
banned by his
significant other as
She read his
thoughts to a
Certain woman in
Caleta or Wigan
and now he
Has be banished
to the bingo
And the kitchen
To make the
meals and drinks
For the dominatrix
who restrain the
Leeds United supporter
who was about
To run off
and join Manchester
swingers association to
;D ;D
enlighten them to
What is going
On in Preston
Which reflects on
Missing posties and
The white bull
from the farm
Where Can plants
his maris pipers
and green kale
to feed his
5 pigs with
Bacon and cabbage
to make them
F art and splutter
just like Trumpy
All over Derbyshire
in the mud
Up to his
His large spuds
and has to
Get the farmer
To get his
Spud picking machine
So he could
Retrieve Cans spuds
And make crisps
Out of them
in various flavours
That most folks
Will buy and
say that they
Taste like ladies
Of the night
Shoes after a
very strenuous session
In club paradiso
dancing on the
The testicles of
Jon the barman
Who serves the
Yorkshire elite with
The finest ales
and first class
Train tickets to
London where the
Best people move
and shake which
Excessive alcohol causes
to their frail
Mental state of
living in Yorkshire
With its beautiful
People and countryside
where the sheep
intelligence exceeds local
Knowledge of the
Area in which
Dave was born
with food rationing
On jellied eels
and other delicacies
Especially black pudding
as a laxative
Of highest quality
recommended by Bob
The pudding expert
and sanitary executive
On Leeds council
where the train
discharges its waste
All over the
the track upsetting
Elland road faithful
with the smell
Drifting over the
the surrounding areas
And across the
Bradford city centre
Towards the slums
Of Dublin town
That sit proudly
Next to the
Castle of Edinburgh
Which had moved
From bonnie Scotland
after 5 whiskeys
Southwards to see
what has happened
to the member
Called Kenny who
woos the maidens
called Helen who
encourages his chat
for fun because
he seems like
a man who
can be trusted
not to tell
Little porkie pies
about his fetish
For wearing ladies
perfume when he
Thats enough lol
Tosses his caber
while reading his
50 shades o'gray
and strumming his
Little six stringed
Ukulele which he
carries around with
His whisky in
while he smooth's
his way in
With northern damsels
who eat pizza
Washed down with
cheap white wine
From Wigan pier
Then takes a
stroll to the
Toilet to call
her best friend
Back to see
if she would
Help find Huey
and ruth because
She was having
to throw up
On the carpet
all the wine
That she drank
by the bucketful
to wash down
The red hot
Scotch bonnet chillie
to warm his
Cold hands that
That he stuck
near the burning
passion of cinders
who was colouring
her hair with
Extra thick domestos
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o
to impress the
Bradford City Lotharios
who appreciate a
puppy dog noses
and pretty Wigan
lasses who have
a loving heart :-*
and a big
drive for passion
in the snow
with young Ronnie
and his friend :o
sucking ice cubes
whilst she ate
spicy pizza and
watched her barges
transporting her favourite
Scotsman down the
waterways to her
love nest in
the DW Stadium
wherever that is
Wigan you clown
said Cinders to
anybody who would
give her a ;)
good lashing across
the decks of
the wigan boardwalk
the Salmond lookalike
With the a.r.s.e
Like a slapped
wet fish which
Resembled Can's paradise
clubs ambience which
He adores especially
the slippery pole
Where he performs
After a few
large whiskies to
Curb his shyness
So he can
tell some jokes
To anyone who
who doesn't know
Him or what
To do about
His bad jokes
So he skins
His spuds to
Try make into
a shepherds pie
To feed the
good time girls
Before he attempts
to get inside
the bondage room
Where cinders was
tied up to
Bradley cooper who
was trying to
Get free from
the hand cuffs
So he could
buy a round
For all that
Were in attendance
with their tongues
In his ear
which made him
Go all weak
in the sporran
as he suckeled
On his pipes
That were shoved
under his kilt
Where the sun
shone like a
Beacon in the
dales of Yorkshire
with missing sheep
Men in long
coats with large
Foreheads and eyes
like gob stoppers
That parade around
Looking for some
space in the
Yorkshire Strip Clubs
For Kenny to
impress the ladies
With his big
personality and smooth
Shaved legs and
figure hugging kilt
That shows off
his better points
Which is more
Appealing to ladies
Than his usual
less than one's image of idealised perfection jokes that
Think that's more than 3 mate ;D ;D. Got ya drift though ;D ;D
Nobody finds funny
With hairy sack
Posting random words
That don't make
any sense to
eat his nuts
and fuddle his
mind with all
The garbage that
he spews out
which he thinks
Runs down legs
not a clue
A red cortina
lost the plot
while smoking wacky
Baccy to ease
His corrupt mind
and devise new
pathetic jokes for
ridicule from the
Rest of dross
who are very
Patient with him
humouring him when
He posts his
personal life experiences
In Elland Road
Where nobody goes
To pee on
The team when
They concede five
Goals at home
which is easy
When you play
blow football and
naked twister with
A northern girl
of wigan repute
Who loves to
bend and twist
Just for the
boys to really
Have a good
time admiring the
Dark haired female
with the fantastic
Lovely set of
assets that everyone
Wants to see
because they are
Her best feature
except for her
Ability to take
on mad scotsmen
Who charmed the
pants off poor
Poor little cinders
who didn't realise
That he was
on medication to
Ease the pressure
on his tiny
;D ;D
Legs that are
fat and hairy
And shaped like
Kermit the frogs
Little green bits
especially when he
is being abused
by someone called
Ronnie the bull ;)
Who likes slimy
Liquid on his
Lips when he
Gets closer to
The Thing he
wanted most which
Teatime catch ya later ;D
He was scared
Quote from: Roar of the Rovers on March 14, 2014, 17:21:08 PM
Teatime catch ya later ;D
don't worry Helen. He's tired ;D
of young Jon
Because he has
got a bigger
Part of his
head in the
Sand due to
Drinking too much
Mixed cocktails of
Vodka gin and
Fresh orange juice
To help with
His blocked bowels
So that he
Could dump in
West Yorkshire where
The smell wont
be noticed because
It stinks already
of very strong
Cheese which isnt
A turn on
For young Cinders
Who prefers the
Older Scottish male
Who doesn't wear
string vests or
Anything under his
Kilt because he
Likes to hang
his haggis from
His sporran so
That he can
count the flies
That were buzzing
hoping to lay
some eggs to
Make a replica
of his favorite
Pair of tartan
Boxer shorts that
Were slightly soiled
:o :o :o
From all the
Dodgy haggis that
He put down
His kilt when
He was feeling
Like a bit
Of me time
and add flavour
To his bland
Cooked sheep's bits
That looked like
A strangled turkey
Which made him
Remember his childhood
When he had
To visit the
The clap clinic
for umbrella treatment
To scrape out
the diseased bits
Caused by his
reckless lifestyle where
Frequent visits to
lap dancing clubs
Got him into
The situation hes
Become accustomed to
burning the candle
At both ends
and putting it
About with any
one with pulse
Because beggars cant
be choosy especially
When cinders offers
to provide cocktails
For him to
lick off her
Pierced body part :o
leaking into her
Already very pickled
glass slipper which
She lost when
it turned midnight
Because the daft
barman had closed
The door to
a drunken young
Girls toilet door
Where the men
dare not enter
because they would
leave the seat
down and cause
splashes where the
men cannot aim
After a couple
of large Irish
Whiskeys after lashings
of Pizza at
Wetherspoons leaving them
only the crusts
To feed the
pigeons that gather
In Scottish kilts
Which attract them
like flies around
the honey pot
Which is sticky
And makes you
Want to lick
It off her
Very cute little
well looked after
Toned part of
body which has
A number of
Tasteful tattoos placed
just where you
you would expect
it to be
smooth and unblemished
just like when
she was born
But then it
all went wrong
when she had
Invited the Scotsman
To massage sensuous
on certain parts
Of Cans backside
Wearing gardening gloves
whilst holding a
George Michael photo
And a whip
For his games
when he attends
To the basic
Needs of Kenny
And his wierdest
fantasies about the
Shape of Cans
Stolen bag pipes
That he blew
all around the
Paradise club to
feast his eyes
Upon the talent
That pole danced
Costing Can a
Fortune because he
Loves a good
Dance with the
Big fat one
That wobbles all
Around the pole
Then sweats over
His pina colada
Whilst nibbling on
A little prawn
Caught by kenny
using his little
Scottish rod that
with the maggot
deeply ingrained into
his putrid sporran
that was condemned
to costa calma
for German naturists
to admire whilst
sunning their tender
buttocks and watching
Can flashing his
little pipes at
Thongman and other
Naturists like young
a Falkirk chappie
Who parades about
In the buff
Whilst watching the
News at ten
Holding a small
man bag he
Pinched of a
Little old man
from Bradford last
Year when he
went to Wembley
Twice unlike Spurs
with European commitments
Booze cruising to
the Crimea and
Other dodgy places
with cheap vodka
That will rot
Bobs sock and
Make his feet
Clean and pure
and smell like
A russian distillery
after a heavy
night with Cinders
Who was feeling
very very relaxed
with Trumpy locked
in her dungeon
fed only on
fish finger butties
With Tommy k
what the blazes is Tommy K?
between sessions of
Tomato ketchup
Sensual moments with
her ironing board
:o :o :o
which gave way
Under the syrain
of three people
performing violent movements
Whilst holding a
a black helmet
that belonged to
our mate Trumpy
who has been
Incarcerated in Wigan
and whipped until
he fell off
The band wagon
And let cinders
tie him to
her vacuum cleaner
for her to
turn it on
and hoover his
Tatty old kilt
that cinders ripped
Off to see
if he was
Male or female
but couldn't tell
Because of the
cold weather it
had shrivelled up
and the magnifying
wasn't powerful enough
so they had
to use tweezers
to get it
prepared for the
Special enlargement treatment
that he needs
To bring it
up to expectations
Of our Cinders
who needs a
A really good
work out with
Scottish Kenny's special
ability to wiggle
His ears while
holding cinders pair
Of perfectly formed
and silicone enhanced
but authentic looking
if slightly lopsided
when laying down
on Caleta beach
while licking a
:o :o
Very large cold
champagne poured over
Her very pert
and perfectly tanned
Long and toned
and tattoo free
So not to
Upset some of
her regular readers
Who just wanted
to rest their
heads on her
comfortable and delightful
extra large and
Quite cute pair
Of silicone enhanced
But really adorable
Puppies which wobbled
When she drank
To much wine
Then fell over
Onto her puppies
causing a lot
Of pain for
The man sat
on his large
Fat backside who
Stuffed his face
with large quantities
Of fatty food
And jellied eels
from Tubby Isaac's
On petticoat lane
in wonderful London
Where cockeneeeee Dave
used to work
With other gangsters
and insurance professionals
Who rob trains
and hide in
Deepest darkest Ipswich
and money launder
In Caleta where
Bob is Godfather
to lots of
Cats and dogs
which he likes
To feed with
human body parts
from the Paradise
Dustbins after Can
has dumped his
old dog after
It bit his
bagpipes in the
Back of his
clapped out tractor
Loaded with spuds
infected with Colorado
Beetles which were
Singing along to
Cans favourite karaoke
Song in a
seedy backstreet bar
where the clientele
are all hard
up and need
to sell their
bagpipes to raise
Enough to buy
Can's Corrie penthouse
Which overlooked the
Rather seedy little
pole dance club
Where the girls
open bottles with
There hardened lips
and kiss like
a slimy eel
from deepest Norfolk
which Delia then
plucked and stuffed
with her finest
Plums, nuts and
then stuck in
The river Wensum
which flowed through
Norwich to the
ocean at Great
Yarmouth through the
Sewage spilling from
Bob's boat train
Washing up on
Scarborough beach where
It was transported
By the unions
down to Ipswich
So to pollute
the tractor boys
Chances of growing
growing up into
Double the size ;D
of Diddy Dave
And be able
to dive into
the pool at
The miniature kingdom
where all the
Little people frollick
on their inflatable
Pink blow up
phallic shaped lilo
Which attracted the
English, Irish and
Kenny the Scotsman
to celebrate by
raising his kilt
and showing his
little wriggly worm
which scared the
life out of
certain forum members
who shall remain
anonymous because of
the delicate nature
the itch that
Cinders scratched with
her long nails ;D
until full of
splinters from his
hard and tanned
and very hairy
back which needs
sorting out by
waxing the hairs
Rubbing with sandpaper
and skin removed
THINK THATS A RED DAVE ;D
What are you on about
Tut tut Dave, not cheating are we ;D
And also words
with a very hot blow torch from B&Q
well if I am going to get a red card I thought I would get my moneys worth
A sulking Cockeneeeeee
over officious Yorkireman
Says Adolf Hitler
Who would soon
Dive straight in
and win a
little rubber duck
for bath time
to play with
when he takes
the plug out
of his inflatable
Blow up sheep
And greases up
The pink lady
That's 10" long
And purrs like
A very angry
Cow in labour
while the vet
Greases Jon's arm
up it's passage
Covered in s.h.!.t.e.
from Cans Cows
Which he reared
By hand specially
to supply him
With finest fresh
Manure for his
Roses so that
Kenny could send
Them to BS
Upsetting his cinders
And making her
Cry all day
Until her hero
Kenny the kilt
Turned up with
a full sporran
And his pipes
spewing out ear
Splitting noise that
smashed glasses and
Cracked BS's veneers
Exposing him has
The hero of
The Noddy stories
Who liked to
BS is Brightspark/barvespark or what ever his latest alias is
be big ears
Oh right :D
Whilst driving a
little red car
With very small
Pedals so he
Is able to
drive to Scotland
and vote for
Kenny to be
neutered to protect
The local females
from his raging
Fits of extreme
hormonal headaches and
Bouts of rage
because he has
No time to
fit it in
All of the
Holiday planning he
Rattled on about
For weeks and
Got on everybody's
nerves because he
Just wouldn't shut
up about what
The weather is
Going to be
But we want
To hang Kenny
out to dry
By the short
tartan skirt he
Bought from oxfam
To impress the
miseries at the
Terminal check in
Flashing his kilt
To passport control
Who look bewildered
At his hairy
Sporran which was
Dangling in their
Grey plastic trays
Dangling his meat
And two veg
Over the X-ray
Machine showing that
Bagpipe dangling under
A red cortina
Was the only
Means of escape
On offer to
young Cinders from
men ganging up
on her and
her forum buddy
who played with
kennys rather full
and bloated little
bag of tricks
that he showed
off proudly to
Cindy who promptly
went mad because
he called her
Cindy when he
should have known
shes very particular
with who she
shares secrets with
and only Jon
is not privvy
to Cindy's private
and personal pictures
With shortened things
so can fit
in the hot
Tub when it
is full of
water and bubbles
that was left
for Can to
play around with
Instead of his
blow up sheep
Which was a
life-size model of
St Michael who
he wished was
Stood in front
a model of
His lovely Kat
who is known
For her wit
and her bells
Ringing on her
bike waking up
Dave on his
Lounger by the
pool while reading
The daily mail
on his kindle
That broke because
it couldn't swim
Among all the
kids on inflatable
lilos which Dave
Stuck pins in
Because he is
A mean old
cockeneee despite his
Love of northern
Folk who he
Looks up to
For advice and
tips on how
to keep pigeons
in his suitcase
while eating black
pudding with a
beetroot topping and
mixed salad leaves
containing pickled gherkins
that were stolen
From the supermarket
round the corner
from Bradford City
which was always
full of cap
From far off
darkest Lancashire where
Flat cap brigade
Are very loyal
To aye yup
and whippet keepers
Who Ooooo Arrrrrr
At Yorkshire men
and insult southern
Cockney rebels who
are superior beings
than dead frogs
From outer space
With two bottoms
That are hairy
with bald heads
That got waxed
to look like
Right said fred
singing I'm too
Sexy for my
Northern fairy mates
With wings of
Venkys best chickens
Delicately coated with
Hot vindaloo sauce
Perfectly made by
Bob who is
A perfectionist in
Railway Buffet cuisine
That tastes of
Rancid black pudding
Seasoned with pigeon
And ferret droppings
So caused all
Of Preston sick
And tired because
Dave rabbits on
about uncouth northerners
who know best
not to embarrass
delicate little Cinders
who flirts with
a mad Scotsman
with his mini
skirt blowing in
the Fuerteventura gales
whilst looking out
for any stray
German naturist that
has a smaller
pouch than most
Would expect on
A winters day
Whilst romping naked
Through the snow
Avoiding the green
Stuff,because we
dearly value our
Personal assets which
are irreplaceable because
They've never been
Used in anger
except for when
Visiting Wigan where
I was used
And abused by
Can the man
And his big
corny jokes book
While he pierced
the navel of
Cinders to match
the one Kenny
Got when he
he visited Cinders
Only his was
cheap brass washer
Dangling from his
left nipple which
Has a chain
with diamond studs
Connected to his
Short and hairy
Scrotum and marbles
Which he liked
Cinders to photograph
And keep forever
Tattooed to her
Very toned stomach
amongst the other
Assets she flashed
To the men
who were delivering
Her weekly supply
of red hot
Chilli peppers for
Dreamy curry chicken
She feeds to
Her daughters friends
On a regular
Food kitchen chain
And food poisoning
Never darkens her
Surfaces that prepare
the ready meals
That Kenny cooks
for unsuspecting punters
Of haggis and
and porridge oats
With black pudding
and health threatening
Heart problems due
To all the
fatty food consumed
And not drinking
the right type
Of earl grey
for discerning drinkers
To savour the
delicious bergamot flavour
Which satisfies the
real men unlike
That skirt wearing
Kenny who likes
to brag about
his very large
bank balance that
He wont spend
on poor Cinders
Even though she
salivates over her
Firm and petfectly
cooked Wigan buns
she won't eat
but tempt Kenny
Into her boudoir
so she can
explore his bulging
Belly with her
heat seeking missiles
That she handled
like a professional
Aiming a straight
drive down the
Gorbals into the
orchestra stalls where
He played his
best strumming tunes
on his pipes
that haven't experienced
A good blow
for ages becasuse
His missus wont
Go near it
So a blow
Is done by
His best mate
While on a
Visit to Bradford
At the local
Pub, the Bobby
In darkest Preston
Where a postie
stares into his
Empty glass and
eyeing the barmaids
Whilst pulling a
whisker from her
Chin and plucking
her eyebrows over
The black pudding
to add body
and texture to
his pint of
lime and lemonade
with a slice
of jellied eel
Supplied by Tubby
And delicately jellid
By cockney chas
So he could
Give Dave some
Finest sea food
From the sewers
polluted by Bob
and his train
Spilling diesel into
Dave's jellied eels
Which actually made
Them taste ok
to northern palates
Which are better
Than all southerners
At unstoppable winging
about Spurs players
being exceptionally superior
Divers all the
Time being monotonous
Appealing for penalties
when rigging postings
in Daves imagination
which is perceptive
when drinking Shiraz
and drossing with
his mate Ron
and Cinders Bobbit
Talking about the
time Cinders broke
the circumcision knofe
:o :o
On the chopping
board whilst under
Just saw what I typed - that sounds a bit Norfolk
the influence of
Numerous glasses of
Red or white
vinegar from the
local Morrison in
Sunny Manchester where
its not safe
To walk round
the back of
Wigan pier where
Cinders hid her
stash of pies
So that nobody
Would want to
mess with her
Sharp tongue that
makes Ena Sharples
look like Cinderella
On a good
:o :o
Drinking binge where
everyone took turns
To kiss her
on her lovely
Tattooed part of
bicep which is
Tanned and toned
looking like a
A bulging hotdog
That Can ate
from between her
Firm and perfectly
cooked Wigan pies
That are fattening
and not recommended
For people who
respect their bodies
And always have
their eyes on
her finest assets
and his bank
Balance that she
blown on loads
Of home improvements
and finest wines
Always enjoyed by
the bottle saving
The need for
washing up glasses
That always smash
when three sheets
Of lightening strikes
down upon the
Leeds Liverpool canal
Causing waves to
Ripple fairy godmother
Drank Cans whiskey
And got micturated
Before been thrown
off Wigan Pier
That doesn't exist
due to the
Lack of beach
upon which to
Frolick in the
sand with Kenny
And his burnt
bum cheeks which
Cinders laughed at
and rubbed with
Cold jellied eels
pinched from Dave
who wasnt very
happy that Jenny
who sold them
To Kenny who
Uses aphrodisiacs to
Try and impress
And turn on
The German naturists
Flaunting their bodies
To all the
Unlucky people who
Made the mistake
of thinking that
He was a
Gruesome scots man
When we know
The feminine side
Of him wears
ladies mini skirts
And high heeled
shoes and lacy
corset that he
Liked to wear
when striding the
girth of the
Caleta beach camel
Which had fallen
laughing at Can's
Bad attempt at
telling a joke
To impress cinders
while checking out
The size of
Her puppies noses
Which pointed towards
The skies above
Which were clear
And so hard
That they would
Support barbells and
Not bend an
Tassel hook with
A weighted nipple
Ring and chain
Which glistened in
The strobe light
In paradise club
Where she shimmied
Around the pole
With her glittering
Nipple tassels twirling
And sparkling thong
That twinkled like
:o :o
Her beautiful eyes
In the moonlight
While watched by
Cockeneeee Dave who
was disgusted that
Cinders thrupennies were
largest in britain
Admired by all
lovers of fine
Silicone enhanced apparel
with Manchester waterproofed
Piercings on the
Lower nether regions
showing off her
Diamond encrusted ring
and knobbly knees
From crawling on
All fours for
Slapping her bum
While she ate
Strawberries and drank
Ice cold champagne
from Can's welly
Which also contained
His viagra and
And a spare
Set of bagpipes
For him to
To serenade her
Because she likes
To hear his
Very badly played
Pipes give out
A very loud
Noise which needs
To be recorded
So that the
Southerners could then
decide what to
Do with proper
sounds of the
Highlands and not
a poor imitation
Of cans singing
in his barotone
Out of tune
until someone decides
To silence him
By stuffing a
A Red cortina
Down his y-fronts
Then taking a
Banana and shoving
It down his
tractor exhaust that
He proudly showed
at all the
starry eyed ladies
who needed glasses
to focus on
his small onions
that had begun
to start turning
A purple colour
because of the
when magnified by
Kennys old glasses
Showed it was
quite disappointing to
See him stood
with a skirt
Around his ankles
because he had
Lost his belt
and had no
braces or string
which was binding
The whole thing
Together so not
To spill over
And stain the
Bottom of his
Gusset in his
Pink spotted Speedo's
Which showed off
His very sunburnt
Bits that he
Paraded thru Caleta
like a cowboy
on a mission
on his way
to the rodeo
where he rode
a selection of
camels that he
enjoyed the humps
reminiscent of Wigan
Girls extra large
breastular regions which
Are all implants
Paid for by
Young cinders father
who runs the
Local architect firm
for bra design
So cinders sister
don't flop around
Lol
And hit her
knees with her
Very over sized
thru'pennies that have
Pierced like cinders
Ouch :o
which made them
Very much ouch :( :o :o
Swell to twice
when Danny bit
So cinders hit
his orchestras with
Her sharp tongue
which he liked
On a regular
bases because she
Wants to train
him like a
Demi god of
Of the bedroom
where he usually
Dresses up in
girl guide uniform
to try and
Spice up his
fire lighting skills
Which where damp
squibs in Cindy's
Eyes ,so she
chose to go
After a healthy
jog along the
Golden mile where
Pavement pizza's line
Is as long
As a dogs
Tail that has
Ribbons and bows
Sewn into the
Ball sack hair
Making it walk
Bow legged like
John wayne or
a busy lady
At the paradise
where young Can
Likes to strut
And dance to
the sound of
Daves golf clubs
as they merrily
hit kennys large
head with a
rotting haggis that
stunk like a
sweaty camels undercarriage :o :o
attracting the biggest
swarm of german
teletubbies that he
previously had a
exposed paradise club
pole dance with
big busted Helen
Of Troy who
had a crush
on a scotsman
a handsome man
with very cute
legs, looks and
Eyes that suggest
some nocternal activity
In cinders new
extra large padded
pink boudoir with
fluffy hand cuffs
And chains to
restrain Kenny and
nail his credentials
To her shiny
table top cover
And pour hot
molten wax all
Over his hairy
Big toe which
She liked to
Rub with her
largest nail file
Then giving the
nail varnish too
Can for his
rusty old tractor
And his trusty
old sheepdog called
After his pair
Of close friends
mork and mindy
Who sleep regularly
at the foot
Of his bed
which has seen
Hundreds of sheep
romanced until they
Moved on to
Wigan for real
Local boys who
prefer them to
Big chested women
who nag like
Bradford boys nagging
because their makeup
Was streaked with
By the smell
Of Cans manure
on black pudding
And beetroot sarnies
to improve flavour
And texture to
satisfy the parts
That eels cannot
Wriggle up to
whilst Dave eats
His afternoon tea
while the notherners
Drink white wine
from a cup
In the shape
of a boob
which causes a
hardening of the
Lower men's region
just below his
Tattooed six pack
that extended downwards
To a large
roll of sausage
Meat seasoned by
years of submerging
Into dark murky
rat infested areas
In cans garden
shed where he
Keeps his chains
Bagpipes and other
Useless old instruments
designed to torture
People down south
Who have to
Put up with
All that Can
Constantly jokes about
Which is a
Giant pain in
Bottom and needs
To behave because
he's not funny
And needs locking
But you won't
Because cinders wants
To keep laughing
Because Can always
Tells really good
girls how to
Become totally depraved
and please Irishmen
With daily striptease
and sensual massages
Along the inner
regions of his
Large bulging wallet
To dispel the
Idea of a
Irish economy crisis
That can caused
by overspending in
The paradise club
like a man
Who needed a
long drink and
Some irish sausages
in Aunt Bessies
Yorkshire puddings which
contain too much
Starch and salt
which clogs the
Back passage causing
a nasty rash
and a burning
sensation that causes
A nasty swelling
So he cannot
pass essential matter
Like the BS
Kenny's bestest buddy
Chanted while drooling
thinking about Cinders
And her luscious
Firm pierced assets
That stand proud
In her lacey
Anne Summers finest
To make kenny
heart rate increase
While he watched
through a peephole
:o
At her tiny
beach hut in
Manchester city centre
it always rains
G-strings and thongs
That Kenny wears
While ogling pictures
Of cinders profile
With his kilt
Hunched up to
Reveal his little
But firm haggis
Which is unfit
For human consumption
As it may
Contain lots of
Cans home grown
Crushed viagra pills
Which made him
Rise to the
Challenge that awaited
Him when cinders
Paid a visit
To his cave
Full of chains
And other kinky
Toys bought from
Cinders favourite shop
Where she spends
Danny's hard earnt
Cash on useless
Things that dont
Get used by
leaving them unplugged
So bob has
a hair raising
Experience with bagpipes
burnt to a
Crisp by Jon
in the sun
While he enjoyed
A quick drink
Of strong local
Beer which made
Him very drunk
and all amorous
Over his curry
Made by his
Favourite takeaway in
Preston after spending
The day naked
At Cinder's barbeque
Whilst dancing to
I'm too sexy
For my kilt
And rubbing up
His barbequed sausage
Between her pork
Loins which are
Waxed smooth and
Throbbing from the
Wax strips pulled
Off by kenny
the hairy old
Bag pipe player
with a nice
Long pink tuba
Which he liked
To play with
when he couldn't
Get anybody else
to fiddle with
Because it was
covered in nasty
Burns caused by
Cinder's very hot
Chilli peppers she
slipped into his
Hands when he
got too friendly
and roasted her
Near the coal
in the bath
playing with her
yellow rubber duck
Whos name was
Kenny duck because
She wanted to
Show him a
Wet sudsy time
And give him
A wash because
the dirty old
Scotsman never shaved
under his sporran
or used deodorant
So smelled of
rose petals and
Stale black pudding
which excited Jon
And caused him
To add beetroot
To add flavour
So can serve
All the punters
A Yorkshire delicacy
And poisons southerners
Which isn't fair
W hen they travel
By boat to
Avoid road works
To get to
Wigan on Sea
Selling deep fried
Pooles meat pies
That are gross
and very fattening
So you ladies
should avoid them
for fear of
expanding your bottoms
Which isn't good
when wearing Kenny's
Tartan patterned thong
and prancing around
The canal for
money thrown by
Jon's drunk punters
Hoping for a
Glimpse of the
Forbidden triangle that
Scared all southerners
Who are said
nervous of brazen
Northern men who
are not choosey
Who they seduce
with low morals
In order to
display their wears
To cinders so
she can get
Her wicked way
with hot chillie
Sauce on a
Bury black pudding
Then eaten by
a scottish wench
of ill repute
who hangs out
With Irish hunks
who paint wearing
Their birthday suits
which is not
Safe as the
Poster says it
Shrinks certain parts
That other women
May find hilarious
When it comes
To measuring for
succulence and goodness
That's rare in
Lancashire men folk
Because of the
female domination there
As they always
wear the trousers
To stay in
charge because they
Need to make
the key decisions
About where to
keep the pigeons
Away from the
the ferrets and
Yorkshire sheep because
interbreeding is rife
Around the Pennines
leading to problems
With yorkie folk
indecipherable speech and
Odd food fetish's
leading to obesity
And loss of
bladder control which
Needs rubber bands
To tighten things
In order to
keep trousers dry
From the very
wet weather up
Yours Cockeneeee Dave
said Yorky Jon
in his thong
Eating beetroot sarnies
and watching Shrek
in the mirror
Who reminds him
To cut back
On the curry
And raw broccoli
So not to
Make pee smell
And stink out
His bar full
of other ugly
Can lookalikes who
scare the children
with the sound
of stripping naturists
Being naughty in
In the nude
While being careful
when cooking sausages
To avoid any
sparks burning the
Hairy lower regions
which could ignite
And cause a
a flare up
Of itchy scabs
Which would need
Attending to by
burning out with
Cans Irish whiskey
which is not
The best stuff
To rub on
Ones nether regions
(Welcome back Jon)
As it causes
A large imflamation
That can only
be eased by
A gentle rub
with a brillo
Cleverly rubbed by
removing a layer
To get to
the hidden valuables
Worshiped by all
loose northern ladies
:o >:(
Who take pride
When picking up
any chap with
A large bank
overdraft after they
Refuse American express
and don't do
Cash back for
Southerners wanting bogof
on their purchases
Because they are
careful how they
Spend their hard
Earned tax evasion
in overseas accounts
To pay for
Cinders black pudding
She won't eat
too quickly because
It makes her
strip off and
Flirt with the
Wigan rugby team
To fulfill her
Needs because she
Likes to be
Immersed in champagne
And strawberries so
Titivate her fancy
And sweeten up
Her bad mood
by giving her
a rub with
the sporting life
to encourage the
hormonal development of
her expanding waistline
as it accomodates
last nights curry ;D
and impending lodgers ;D
that is delayed
by barrier methods
until after the
wiley negotiations of
very mixed opinion
with the male
who must be
In a state
because hes soft
And needs to
grow a pair
Of balls and
be more like
an Essex boy
because they are
the super studs
who know how
to satisfy women
by learning from
northern chaps failings
which makes girls
depressed and empty
but happy because
they can domineer
the Scottish and
Lancashire wimps who
who really don't
tick the boxes (Glad Bob is not about)
;D ;D
for any Manchester
girls with attitude
Who prefer Yorkshire
softies who always
Make a good
House husbands who
Tend to their
Macho mancunians hunks
Then wake up
The southern chavs
To ask advice
On how to
Perform like mancunians
As they are
The best at
Making a good
Door mat for
The front door
To stop the
Downtrodden Manchester males
Making a mess
Innocent Essex girls
Who don't know
What they're saying
As don't listen
To drunken ramblings
After numerous cocktails
And tequila slammers
To ease the
Pain caused by
The ear bashing
That Can caused
After a few
Naturists paraded around
And tried to
Call Bob Gary
Blow his bagpipes
And ask him
Politely to go
Flash in front
Of his kids
for the time
but they laughed
and pointed at
his miserable excuse
For a pair
of very swollen
knobbly knee caps
Just like Kennys ;D
who is snubbing
the heartbroken Cinders
who frightened him
with her wellies
and rather large
and very real
personality which is
sometimes very feisty
and will train
Scottish blokes accordingly
so that they
will do what
Cinders tells them
or else feel
The back of
her very sharp
tongue which will
Make them never
need to wash
Their smooth bits
to prevent them
from catching on
to the front
of her bar
where she poured
numerous pina colada's
over her head
to smell like
the local sewer
That was cleaned
out using a
leopard print thong :o
donated by thongman
previously worn by
a large German
woman with hairy
backed friends from
the eastern part
of Bradford where
curry is eaten
for any meal
with a side
glass of Cider
with pickled beetroot
Which is beautiful
With a bit
of jellied eel
Pie and mash
and other delicacies
From East London
where diamond geezers
Are ten a
Penny unlike proper
gentlemen from Essex
Drinking Earl Grey
with afternoon tea
of hot crumpets
and best butter
Before getting stuck
whilst eating the
Gut buster special
At the dorchester
where the rich
Arabs and Russians
Do their business
To pollute the
Leadenhall Market bars
With elementary waste
upsetting the Brokers
By doing what
visitors always do
Like our Bob
taking their seats
On the throne
and drinking Bolly
To pee up
the Gherkin windows
And dump down
the Stock Exchange
causing it to
have a Bear
and a bull
run freaking out
Can in Soho
strip club when
the bull entered
and sat on
his flattened bagpipes
and gored his
sporran until it
stood majestically straight
Upright facing the
Slippery pole and
Then went limp
from fright because
Was scared off
By Cans tractor
And combined harvester
Which was covered
In cow pats ;D ;D
Drying out so
could be fried
with egg, mushroom
and jellied eels
for improved flavour
to serve to
Hungry northern folk
who are always
up for free
drinks from the
generous southern men
who shop at
Charity shops because
They as tight
A ducks posterior
And only buy
replica second hand
Tat from primark
And giving to
our northern friends
Who take it
and sell to
the southern softies
Who think they
would rather avoid
Such cheap filth
that northerners value
To save money
to buy gin
And cheap tonic
to get high
And start talking
to the wall
Because no one
Listens as they
mumble their words
And fall into
A vat of
Premium Russian vodka
made in Wigan
And consumed by
Cinders other half
to numb his
sense of smell
so that he
can avoid Kennys
awful chat up
lines which aren't
original or any
where as good
or as potent
as the irish
blarney which maidens
don't like much
as real action
happens around Manchester
in the rain
so dance naked
around their handbags
At the clubs
of adults only
and those of
the open minded
and handy with
Hammers and nails
to seal up
All the holes
that were caused
By bad wind
from the vindaloo
takeaway eaten by
exhausted gym members
whipped into shape
by Dominatrix herself
guarding the door
whip in hand
to capture all
sheep escaping from
Jons back garden
In perfect Yorkshire
where the women
put up with
Generous loving men
with deep pockets
For hands to
grab all the
Best bits for
Nice northern ladies
To handle carefully
Like precious stones
that are flawless
With no wrinkles
To smooth out
the almost perfect
Skin of his
Cold aging hands
that have been
Massaged by the
old dears from
Kenny's bingo hall
where he called
Out naughty words
to offend the
Elderly fans of
Bay City Rollers
who wave there
walking sticks about
to the sound
Andy Stewart signing
his autograph on
Kenny naked rump
Underneath his skirt
where he kept
cash stashed in
Quote from: DaveW on May 01, 2014, 20:57:14 PM
Andy Stewart signing
you meant to put singing didn't you ;D ;D ;D
his tattered old
Cheap tacky thong
that he bought
Yes, my dyslexic fingers again ;D
from Anne Summers
with a gift
voucher from Angel
To get her
a new toy
Because the other
had worn out
Because she hit
Danny in the
mouth with a
Rather worn rabbit
because he couldn't
afford any batteries
So made her
adapt an old
withered cucumber to
reach the parts
That need itching
with sand paper
Borrowed from can
who is expert
At internal investigations
With his pipes
That are pushed
to their limits
with help from
His rampant bull
who knows how
to chat up
His prize heifer
as learnt from
old macDonald who
was a bit
intoxicated by all
the beauty around
the lancashire countryside
which is best
if youre blind
and tied to
A Blackpool donkey
with a carrot
stuck up its
Rear exhaust that
had gone slightly
rusty after he
Got stuck in
Between the thighs
Of a manc
who was a
Spy working for
a local gym
Who trains for
using corporal punishment
Using whips and
Other punishment equipment
Whilst wearing a
sporran borrowed from
An old Scotsman
With a big
Heart that breaks
Wind when no-one
Is looking apart
Tilting his kilt
Blowing it up
To display his
Very big shiny
Leather Jock strap
Hiding a small
Wrinkled appendecture that
Looked more like
A cocktail sausage
Which had been
Lying around for
A few years
Gathering dust and
Mouse nibbling it
Making it more
Wrinkled and swollen
than before Kenny
Got his hands
Dirty from the
Haggis mixture he
Forced everybody to
Roll into little
Balls and stuff
Them up his
Very hot sensitive
microwave to get
His mashed neeps
Ready for later
When he goes
Strolling nude in
Edinburgh Tesco where
His caber tossing
Annoys the shoppers
Flashing the cheeks
On the meat
Pole as he
Offends the girls
Who prefer to
Polish his buttocks
With a wet
Scouring pad which
Caused a large
Red patch to
Match his small
And knobbly knees
That need tanning
and plastic surgery
To enhance the
the overall roundness
Of his large
beer gut that
Hangs down between
His white thighs
Where short curly
hamsters like to
Creep through dark
Passageways smelling like
leeds train station
After Bobs been
To play with
The train toilets
He used for
Large curry deposits
Causing a burn
To his ring
Brendan Grace (Curry Version) Ring Of Fire (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4GwtcXrRFg#)
Lol
Making his thong
Grate like cheese
And nipping the
fivers tucked in
to his handbag
from his overtime
that he earns
for doing diddly
squat except eating
Black pudding and
mouldy railway sarnies
With a side
of cold fries
Caked in greasy
old chip fat
And fed to
the paying public
Who took pictures
of Cans tractor
And bored everybody
with his ramblings
and his jokes
that arent even
remotely funny to
any f us
So he went
and spoilt other
other peoples enjoyment
the RSPCA want
To have words
About abused gerbils
That he kept
In a tube
Down his trousers
To enable them
Play ball games :o
;D
And chew on
The free nuts :-\
Seasoned with a
Tasty jerk marinade
Then eaten by
Golf club barmen
Whilst drinking beer
Through old socks
Custom made by
Sweaty railway men
And smell like
Scotsman's crotch which
Hadn't been used
Or washed for
Years due to
Whiskey drinking and
And eating unhealthy
Deep fried mars-bars
Dipped in mayonnaise
Coated in sprinkles
And put on
A smoked haddock
Then nibbled by
a Wigan bird
Who kisses Irish
Gentleman on the
top of their
Game with Wigan
scrambling around for
Red dental floss
which pass as
Red Wigan thongs
the boys love
To fondle lovingly
Whilst tossing the
Ducks off the
Canal barge where
Jon kept his
Photos of Angel
in her skimpy
Shorts and her
Victoria Beckham sunglasses
to impress the
Love of her
life but is
yearning for Kenny
in his dreams
as only he
Manages wet ones
;D ;D
through not wearing
His incontinence pad
he borrowed from
Poor old Can
meaning Can has
Got wet pants
To wear on
His days out
To sunny Yorkshire
From the home
That released him
On day release
On one condition
That he didnt
Take pictures of
Kenny and Angel
And put on
his zoom lens
To inspect Kenny's
miniscule excuse for
A pair of
shrunken pickled onions
That tasted like
A jellied eel
Spiced up by
Spicey meat balls
after they had
Been coated in
in Melon's special
Insanity special sauce
direct from her
Perfectly formed toned
but well used
Pierced one half
her swollen tongue
To use for
Licking the tip
of the expanded
Thighs of her
oven ready chicken
And basted by
Kenny's spare fat
Sucked out from
underneath his skirt
Using the sharp
teeth that Angel
Had custom made
For stripping meat
And deboning slowly
The boner that ???
Was caused by
A glimpse of
Jon's very handsome
Red cortina which
He let angel
have a ride
As long as
she massaged his
Very large ego
until it was
Twice the size
of an oversized
Pair of melons
acquired from Waitrose
On special offer
for Aldi customers
Using vouchers from
social security handouts
Paid for by
overtaxed city bankers
And their fat
packed lunches that
Bob made from
BR cheese sandwiches
And pickled beetroot
With deep fried
Mars bars from
Our lovely Kenny
for Can to eat
Quick change it ;D ;D
Quote from: Angel. on May 07, 2014, 06:50:51 AM
for Can to eat
Too late. First red card of Angels career. 4 words. 24 hour ban from this thread ;D ;D
:-*
To three words
Jon's black pudding
with pickled beetroot
Quote from: Ronnie The Bull on May 07, 2014, 08:08:03 AM
Quote from: Angel. on May 07, 2014, 06:50:51 AM
for Can to eat
Too late. First red card of Angels career. 4 words. 24 hour ban from this thread ;D ;D :-*
To three words
still dont get it
A true delicacy
Quote from: Angel. on May 07, 2014, 09:27:34 AM
Quote from: Ronnie The Bull on May 07, 2014, 08:08:03 AM
Quote from: Angel. on May 07, 2014, 06:50:51 AM
for Can to eat
1 2 3 4
Too late. First red card of Angels career. 4 words. 24 hour ban from this thread ;D ;D :-*
To three words
still dont get it
Your only allowed 3 words :o, you used 4 :(
I KNOW ::) ::) ::)
like jellied eels
From Tubby Isaacs
using fresh eels
Caught from the
River Lea last
Night with a
pair of old
maggots and a
No 6 hook
then carefully prepared
To skin and
cook in their
polluted river water
With tinkers champagne
That they drank
all day long
Before falling into
the big hole
That Can dug
With his digger
That he bought
on Ebay with
his monopoly winnings
from an Irish
syndicate that was
printing its own
go to jail
cards and community
chest cos he
he thought Boobs
were community chests
for him to
caress whenever he
thought about ladies
who came from
Wigan and surrounding
Areas but his
Not choosy so
He spied Essex
Ladies of the
Night who charged
gullible northern gentlemen
Like young Graham
Who would never
Pay a fiver
And luncheon vouchers
in exchange for
A chip butty
with special services
on the side
with gym membership
with H instructing
In her pink
teddy with matching
Whips and handcuffs
Knew you couldn't resist ;D
which she used
My ears were burning ;D
On handsome Jon
the Bradford stud
who smooth talks
Only fit girls
and lady drossers
Who make him
all week kneed
Especially when they
Can grooms them
To play with
His little piglets
With very pink
snouts and little
Pink trotters that
he holds lovingly
Whilst looking into
the options of
A quick marriage
because the pig
was ready to
To shack up
due to pregnancy
but her teats
appealed to Can
he liked them
dangling in his
cold cup of
Milk and whiskey
Adding flavour to
his haggis and
His horrible porridge
Which he made
a big pot
Over an open
roaring camp fire
Adding that smokey
and the bandit
Feeling to the
mix of vegetables
That he grew
Between his toes
Cos he never
takes his socks
Off before he
goes to bed
to look at
his girly magazines
whilst playing with
his wife's wedding
photo of her
white garter which
Jon stole from
Dee's wedding outfit
after she'd married
a better man ???
than young Ron
who was despondent
and suicidal cos
his princess had
dumped him for
a sexy younger
stud who doesn't
have wind problems
or blue pills
but plays with
his marbles when
he can't get
a rise out
of the committee
for drossing when
he should be
serving the members
and buttering up
the lady captain
with his flirtatious
and rather charming
Innuendos about their
Nice feminine areas
That Can trained
up to be
Angel of jokes
which had people
crying in despair
Because they were
just not funny
Even though he
Groomed her by
ogling her pics
On the forum
while he pleasured
His tiny pink
excuse for a
Small cocktail sized
sausage coated in
Hundreds and thousands
With chocolate sauce
Topped with cream
With a cherry
Delicately nibbled by
Helen for her
Afternoon tea with
Special treatment for
Handsome Yorkshire men
For shortsighted Lancashire
Girls that want
To get married
In cans shed
And show them
Her sensitive piercings
Which twinkle in
The hot sun
But may burn
If goes nude
So its better
If gets rubbed
With smooth hands
Covered in cold
Slippery gel which
He got from
Ann Summers shop
With Dave's discount
Bonus card which
He stole from
Jons wallet when
He was drunk
And left it
Next to Dave's
New y fronts
That belonged to
His best friend
Who was very
Hairy and wide
So to much
Lard makes farts
So powerful they
They blew off
The chimney top
and fell on
Helens wine bottle
cutting her mouth
as she swigged
the litre size
aldi version of
Bulgarian Shiraz at
49 pence a
dozen which lasts
her a couple
hours before hitting
the cheap vodka
and jumping on
Cans very little
Finest Irish prime
sausage flavoured with
Barbeque sauce from
The bog of
Country tiree where
The little people
Dress in green
And dance round
The rainbow until
He finds the
The pot of
Gold which they
sent from Wigan
In exchange for
whips and handcuffs
Which H used
On Jon and
Gave him pleasure
and stop him
From moaning on
about Bulls losing
And stupid weddings. ;D
Just because his
lost the urge
To frollick in
the Corralejo dunes
With his blowup
swim costume budgy
That showed off
his inflated ego
And rather short
in trouser department
But made up
by being wealthy
Having won the
Bradford Mecca bingo
£5 jackpot prize
Which he will
spend on his
Friends so that
they'd like him
And he wouldnt
be branded tight
But as we
know he is
A typical Yorkshireman
who is careful
With his pennies
and will never
Buy anybody a
a champagne cocktail
With a sealed
Lid so that
No pennies can
Fall out of
His tight assed
Bar with cheap
Boozy mates like
Southern Essex men
And their cheap
Jelly eel sandwich
Making H gag
With some deep
Sensations in her
Lady bits and
Pink strawberry flavoured
Jelly tot and
Very toned tanned
Glass of vimto
With ice cubes
And decorated with
A little brolly
And bright sparkly
Sparklers which sparkle
And enhance Jon's
Large red nose
That glows when
He drinks Malibu
Or any other
Juice from the
Top shelf,where
He keeps his
sterodent and other
Potions in the
sexual infections department
Of the local
clinic where the
Nurses were pretty
But rather large
Breasted which kept
Interfering with his
posting on another
forum he looked
at with interest
to practice on
anybody who wants
to broaden their
Knowledge of the
naughty mind of
Can who liked
to experiment with
Candles and other
hot large objects
That he puts
in his pockets
To keep his
hairy but firm
Dead caterpillar in
a warm environment
made him feel
Extra special so
that he gave
Extra loving to
his beloved tractor
That he named
after his favourite
Naughty northern angel
Who we know
Is very shy
at telling truths
but doesnt lie
about jellied eels
Which makes her
drop Ronnie in
Her pink dungeon
and tied him
To the bedpost
With pink handcuffs
Which he liked
Chained to his
Very short legs
which have seen
No sun for
at least six
years cos he
Was banned from
the naturist beach
because he used
to flash his
cod piece at
70yr old ladies
with purple rinses
who tried to
Fondle and pinch
Fat ladies bottoms
Before swiftly being
Swallowed up whole
By fit northern
We'll hung men ;D
And know what
Is required from
Their personal services
to satisfy their
Musts and needs
But left wanting
another fantastic experience
Whilst tied up
Feeding his ferrets
A very spicy
Dead racing pigeon
Which Kenny barbecued
in his bedroom
And marinated with
cheap scotch and
Black pudding flavoured
Pink jelly tots
Stuck on her
Beetroot flavoured bottom
Which had baked
Beans and sausages
On toast and
jellied eel topping
And Dave's crabs
that started nipping
at his little
grey and wrinkled
cockles that he
keeps down his
Thigh high boots
he borrowed from
the bonkers man
with the black
dark clouded mind
that Helen tried
to lighten with
her starry eyes
but he's bonkers
so she had
loved but lost
her darling man
to the darkside
so she followed
cos he's bonkers
to look after
his lost soul
which was sold
to the dark
chocolate factory where
only fools suffer
Cans terrible jokes
Before slashing their
wrists on a
empty crisp packet
that bob had
sold to a
dodgy station master
Who then gave
Blackburn season tickets
To all yorkshiremen
Wearing Leeds jerseys
To educate them
In being mean
And moody just
Like someone else
Who lives in
A place called
Bradford where everyone
got along famously
And didn't sulk
when lovely pics
of chicken vindaloos
were posted on
H's dross bucket
and flowery pics
That got removed
when he threw
A hissy fit
Because he didn't
Want to see
Someone more popular
Taking the mickey
when he is
So famous and
so he decided
To wear a
blond wig and
some high heels
With fishnet stockings
Which made his
Legs start to
Wobble has he
Danced around to
Boney M,s hits
And shaking his
Big fat booty
Towards all the
Ladies sat in
His local bingo
Club who didnt
Like his attitude
Due to him
Being slightly odd
And from Bradford
Who eats very
Hot curries all
Day long with
Rice and pompies
And beetroot to
Put on the
BBQ built by
His lovely wife
So he can
Cook her favourite
Afternoon tea delicacy
Of black pudding
With sprinkles of
Jellied eels from
Tubby Isaac's famous
East End stall
Where people flock
to sample his
wares before going
For beetroot mayo
and pints of
milk stout from
His local hostelry
frequented by Jon
To satisfy his
Very hungry needs
Which include the
Whips and gloves
To groom the
Yorkshire boys so
That they do
What H says
eat their greeens
And baked beeeens
To make him
extend his ability
To participate in
physical activities that
Dont involve drinking
Or eating any
Red hot curries
then polluting the
Toilets of leeds
( who we on about here I've lost track)
Not sure, you or me think
And causing a
Bob size blockage
Which got cleaned
after much effort
So he then
Went to Greece
And drank to
Much ouzo so
He started dancing
On a pole
And hanging upside
down flashing his
Bare behind to
Watching Greek women
Who paid him
In single dollar
Bills tucked into
His pink mankini
He borrowed from
Jon who has
a fetish for
Anything thats unusual
that enhances his
His personal pleasure
so girls can
Enjoy a proper
Northern mature man
Unlike young Bob
Who prefers to
Enjoy mature men
And sweet talking
little old ladies
Into parting with
their weekly pension
so Bob can
gamble it on
Blackburn beating Barcelona
and bucket shop
where he gets
very cheap flights
to exotic islands
with golden sand
so he can
wear his thong
and pose for
the local monks
Who admired his
Manly charms and
Big fat wallet
Which was bulging
with fake notes
He had made
from his own
John Bull press
Which he nicked
From dark man
who tried to
Bribe H to
sell her body
To anybody that
Was willing to
Put up with
her constant nagging
and insatiable appetite
For hot chilli's
that make her
Run much faster
to the loo
where she used
Aloe Vera gel
to ease the
pain to her
Lovely and pert
Pink rose bud
that was punished
By her moody
Gravel faced boyfriend
who upset her
All day long
And made her
Cry into her
Bowl of vindaloo
And ruining her
Mild creamy korma
So she couldn't
ever go to
down the aisle
So she'll go
to the pub
Of dark and
Flirt with the
Dark man in
A dark booth
which needs to
Have candles lit
and medication provided
To show the
(http://wallgood.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Joker-Black-Wallpaper-HD1.jpg)
Dark side of
the moon which
Went behind the
Shadow of the
Black rain clouds
which dumped on
The north of
Manchester as always
Just to annoy
People in Yorkshire
Who were special
appreciation of poor
Decrepit old Lancastrians
who always go
to seed early
and drink alot
and nag their
significant other because
they are wimps
and just can't
direct women unlike
our southern gent
who is boss (hope Jenny doesn't read this)
;D ;D ;D
when is allowed
by glorious Jenny
as long as
he wears his
Long trousers so
there's no peeping
at his manly
fingers as they
hold on to
his pocket lining
that was full
of old coins
from his piggy
bank that he
pinched from a
Pearly Kings shop
next to Tubby
Isaacs famous old
Pole dancing shop
Where Dave performed
Knees up mother
Brown with the
Chas and Dave
Tribute band that
sang Rabbit and
other bad songs
using cockeneee rhyming
to confuse northerners
which is easy
because some of
can't write their
missing them's out ;D
their names or
just messing with
forums with ayes
that annoys all
except jon and
Helen because they
Are so in
touch with their
Feminine sides that
Jon even wears
Lacy knickers bought
from the charity
Because used knickers
were his fetish
before he got
A telling off
from the nasty
And very snappy
H who didnt
wear any because
she liked to
be ready when
The dark man
is ready for
Paying a visit
in a hurry
Because he's scared
his wife might
Catch him casting
his black magic
on his bagpipes
which scare the
Little old ladies
causing them to
Spill their earl
Derby spring water
And choke on
his very large
Barbecued loin of
goat found wandering
the streets of
Kerry looking for
the nearest knocking
Shop to learn
how to sixty
Nine to satisfy
his prize sheep
So he can
Heighten their pleasure
And produce more
Wind to turn
Them into fine
Plump and juicy
lamb chops which
Kenny attempted to
bbq in the
tent where he
Stood with his
Irish mate speedy
Roasting bulls testicles
On charcoal fires
While H marinated
His pork sausage
with mustard dressing
And sprinkles of
hottest curry powder
That caused his
skin to peel
And come out
in weeping sores
So he spread
some axle grease
Under the rim
That started to
Curl and blister
And it eased
Inside a tasty
Wigan girls pasty
Glowing tube of
Vajazzled and beautiful
Smooth cleft of
Her body that
He couldnt resist
But she wouldn't
Give in and
And he sulked
and threw his
Bagpipes into the
Jacuzzi where Helen
Tried to blow
Can's little shrunken
Widget that had
wrinkled with redundancy
Because no-one would
touch it even
If the scabs
Tasted a bit
salty due to
the environment that
He swam in
But was neutralised
and had to
Pour bleach in
The delicate areas
Which caused swelling
Which hadn't happened
In a few
Decades because of
His advancing years
and lousy chat
Up lines were
Sickening to hear
the same old
pathetic jokes he
tells and the
stupid dark pictures
That made Ron
cry in his
Cold pint of
flat Yorkshire bitter
Which makes him
horny as a
Bull on heat
And he thinks
he is the
Top drawer at
romancing the ladies
But they are
not fooled by
His yorkshire wit
and his inadequate
Ways in the
art of speech
Which caused consternation
with the Lancastrian
Who liked to
frequent the Bobby
But now never
see young Paddy
Which is a
shame because Helen
would find him
And show him
how to dross
And behave innocently
at all times
Or Jon will
go to Bobby
with deep pockets
And buy a
glass of milk
for young Dave
To mix with
his farleys rusk
Then fed by
his poor wife
Who has to
sleep on the
Cold damp floor
to keep him
Happy because he
is the boss
When she lets
people know his
Authority in the
household is total
And very strict
but fair but
Kind and loving
and house trained
Especially when the
Spurs are on
Or else he
goes to the
Local wine bar
And sulks into
A full bosomed
Young lady who
compliments his fine
Hair piece with
made in China
Stamped on the
label that irritates
his very sensitive
sun burnt pate
that requires a
skin graft and
a gentle massage
before sewing in
a spurs logo
with hair from
Bob's back to
give a blond
hair extension to
Whoever dyes it
from its natural
Origins which are
normally very dark
But can be
lightened by a
A few drops
of Jons bland
Home brew ale
With yorkshire water
the worlds finest
recycled sewerage that
man has created
for the delights
of all mankind
of devils country
called leafy Ipswich
(Dee will kneecap you)
where the finest
LOL might as well fall out with both ladies today ::) ::) ::) ;D
tractors entice Can
to plough up
the local fens
before he descends
Upon the local
Tavern to try
And be naughty
With the local
Mistresses who want
want their body
massaged and whipped
By a masterful
experienced Essex man
Who just happened
to be available
To offer his
full repertoire of
Chat up lines
he learnt from
A young Ronnie
through a toliet
door whilst he
avoided buying his
mates a drink
because he is
very tight and
unreliable YB chap
who is liable
to throw a
pyjama party inviting
Tall ladies who
Wear short skirts
Lacy see through
undies that crow
Builds a nest
in the soft
Silky strings of
of her favourite
Pink lace thong
Which radiated warmth
Along the line
Of the equator
That circled under
A very smooth
Waxed bikini line
So Jon can
lick the smooth
creamy white chocolate
that is situated
By the side
Of a well
Which was full
due to recent
Lack of work
He wasnt able
do the deed
And so had
To sell his
rusty old tractor
So that he
could splash out
On these long
surgical enhancement processes
So to enable
Him to perform
his one man
Show in paradise
club where he
Was friendly with
a pole dancer
from Poland who
was a part-time
Veg picker in
His back garden
which includes lodging
In his barn
along with his
beloved rusty old
Tractor which smelt
like Ron's old
Jock strap which
He always wore
while drossing because
He needed protection
when chatting up
Strange women from
Wigan when Lisa
Happened to see
her pet name
Which was very
Exotic and made
her angry that
He thought he
Could get away
Without paying his
complements to her
Like Dave does
But thats another
story cos he
Afraid of Jenny
Who certainly wears
The trousers in
The cockeneee household
Where the pearly
King is ordered
About like a
Little boy who
was responding to
the boss of
the local anti-bullying
cybernet forum brigade
who quickly respond
when the button
is pressed they
jump into action
and cut off
the phone line
and remove their
affiliation to the
worlds best forum
Confusing the hell
Out of the
Irish contingent who
Didnt know if
they were coming
Or going to
get their posts
and mistakes were
edited by the
Dark man returning
From his holiday
as a raven
was flying overhead
and dropping great
dollops of poo
over Jon in
His beloved Bradford
pub garden when
The clouds began
to dilute his
Best yorkshire bitter
and ruined his
Night out with
Dee while his
Lovely wife Lisa
shreds his clothes
And made him
go to work (if you can call it work)
And actually get
his hands dirty
But it was
a false alarm
And he didnt
have to serve
Any beer to
night time golfers
Who play with
balls that can
Be inflated when
the alcohol takes
It nasty hold
and the yips
Made it impossible
to putt into
The basket hoop
so he had
To go back
and buy a
Round for all
the studs up
In West Yorkshire
who annoy ladies
who ask for
compliments but get
nothing but abuse
from that cruel
yorkshire tongue that
Hurts Lancashire lassies
So it was
So painful that
He had to
get on his
High horse and
Ride into sunset
Before Admin decided
they were one
of the culprits
and we're innocent
until we're proven
But as we
Don't boil bunnies
We will see
the world cup
Hoping that England
Will at least
Win a few
Corners before losing
to some bunch
Lancastrian who was
Dave put bunch not butch ya numptie ;D
Hitting the vodka
and spilling it
down his mouldy
old blue suede
shoes that he
inherited from his
best mate in
Accrington who died
from the smell
of the rotting
british rail sarnie
that was revived
by soaking in
the old stream
Shed which was
used by immigrant
Escapees from Yorkshire
escaping to Lancashire
For international immunity
which they all
refused and sent
Back to Guisley
Gods own land
And made to
look for passports
so they could
Meet their Princesses
and pose for
a few piccies
for posting on
The forum for
All to laugh
And point in
the general direction
of his Pinocchio
Little stub end
but rapidly growing
Due to the
the porkies he
told about his
great successes at
Playing darts on
Monday nights when
We all know
his inventive chalking
Makes him look
better than he
Really is but
they all know
How bad he
deludes himself about
Being inferior to
the southern dudes
Who,s heads are
full of pride
And yorkshire bitter
which is weak
Just right for
The delicate guts
Of young Dave
Who,s used to
real men's beer
From Yorkshire breweries
With frothy tops
And not flat
cap whippet keepers
Like some southern
Yorkshire bread local
Is that inbread?
or just his
way of eating
His local bread
and black pudding
Which is delicious
With some beetroot
Unfortunately ignorant southerners
respect their bodies
Missing the delights
of fatty foods
Which can only
Lead to bigger
Stronger healthier northerners
lard arses that
Rule the roost
in their dreams
but to show
off their failings
When playing Italy
They let them
Pretend they are
being bullied by
Some strange people
Who can't take
The truth to
Realise that they
were always going
to get caught
For being false
And just pretending
To drink plenty
Of different drinks
Every minute of
The day and
Give plenty of
abuse to the
Onlookers who where
trying to be
patient and making
plenty of comments
that didn't make
a blind bit
Of sense to
anyone who drosses
But it sounded
more like a
Very bored whatever
after too many
large glasses of
Red wine which
are good heart
Needs to keep
to ward off
All the unwanted
side effects from
That extra strong
Yorkshire ginger beer
That Dave drinks
when on wagon
Because southerners are
such lovely people
Sharing there eels
and half price ...........(spelling ::) )
White stiletto shoes
and designer sunglasses
To hide the
bags under the
eyes caused by
excessive nocturnal activities
Of their neighbours
who are at
this time doing
things they shouldn't
But who cares
when England can't
Be a.r.r.s.s.ed to
raise a sweat
So why should
we give them
Our hard earned
money to keep
Them in plush
Mansions with vast
:gardens and pools
When all they
Pose in their
Designer mankinis with
Jon and Dave
Applying Bob's mascara
To make him
Look more attractive
To the fairer
Haired German men
Who liked the
Rugged Lancashire type
Not like those
West Yorkshire softies
Who just girls
Laugh at because
they just cant
Believe how small
Their male appendix
looks after they
Go swimming in
extremely cold water
in the naturist
Beaches of Fuerteventura
And parade around
For all to
compare against their
Own tiny shrivelled
Little muscle and
Cockeneee Dave said
Tubby Isaac wouldn't
Sell rotten eels
or dodgy winkles
Unless he didnt
test their freshness
By sucking them
without his false
Leg on as
he used the old
Four word story
because he can't
Seem to count
but being a
Sound young man
and clean living
and a cockeneeee
To boot,but
a love machine
moved next door
to the Shoreditch
Arms which Dave
uses as his
his love nest
to coach Yorkshiremen
on the fine
art of pleasing
A young ewe
to part with
Its furry legs
that were always
Open when requested
so that everyone
picked on poor
Feels the draft
of the northerly
Delights to be
avoided like mad
At ones peril
of nasty diseases
If left untreated
Will fester and
Cause you to
need hospital treatment
For distended toe
and itchy armpits
Which can be
deloused easily by
Some strong DDT
and a scrubbing
Brush to get
to the parts
That are hard
to get to
To make sure
there are no
Nasty little things
hiding beneath the
Cover of his
jar of jellied
eels which he
bought from Tubby
Issacs fish emporium
from Petticoat Lane
Where the ruffians
like Dave frequently
peruse the wears
Of the ladies
pleasure appliances like
Jon has in
bedside drawer which
He likes to
keep topped up
with ever ready
batteries and vaseline
For his sore
Wrist which he
Had sprained whilst
Partaking in physical
Activity of darts
Because flicking your
Arrows is strenuous
Work and lifting
A pint glass
Full of Yorkshite
gnats pee is
a favourite tipple
of cockeneeee Dave
Who doesn't like
northern ale because
its toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo strong
for cockeneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Dave
whos so soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooft
and eats Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels
covered in jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllly
which are better
for your digestion
only if swallowed
without even chewing
you will feel
quite sick soon
so keep a
eye where the
sick bucket is
before he throws
the black pudding
against the wall
to kill it
And sucks beetroot
to take the
Lippy from the
Jon's beer glass
Before Dee notices
that he has
Been putting chewinggum
on Daves bum
To stick him
where the sun
Shines daily in
the event that
The chewing gum
has been recycled
From Dave pants
of finest quality
Donegal sack cloth
which was redcycled
From donkey blankets
which Can bought
Cheap from Blackpool
help the aged
Tower keeper men
from Preston where
The wives knit
Bob's bobble hat
For the donkey
that Blackburn signed
As a hooker
to entertain the
Pensioner Ball boys
who attend every
Blackburn Tottenham game
to see the
Londoners win again
At diving in
the deep end
where they drown
in Yorkshire ale
after losing again
because Venky's starve
and Macky Dee's
is waiting for
A bus for
Gareth to take
A large bite
Out of somebody
That tasted like
A nice Italian
garlic marinated lamb
That made Bob
rush to the
Loo in Leeds
before tackling a
Big mac and
Mac nuggets covered
In BBQ sauce
Which he devoured
while he was
waiting for jon
To buy him
that large vodka
In the bobby
In darkest Preston
Where you risk
Your life going
Into a pub
With a full
Curry belly flabbing
over the waist
Of Jon's pink
Mini skirt which
Paired with his
Pink man bag
Looked quite fetching
don`t forget the
Sandals and socks ::)
and thongman thong ;D
Borrowed from Can
which is embroidered
with glittering shamrocks
on the front
Dazzling all the
the Paradise lovelies
who like to
to caress his
Little shamrocks which
Stand tall and
Wink at the
old ladies on
The greasy pole
as he loses
His best pair
boxers which were
Tied to the
flag mast outside
The paradise club
which the locals
such as Steve
Got discounted entry
so he can
spend more on
treating the girls
to egg sarnies
laced with Viagra
so they would
think he looked
like a stripper
with tassels on
their walking sticks
and zimmer frames
covered in glitter
that excites Can
so much that
He recruits pensioners
To wash his
Pipes out with
Some bleach and
a long hose
Inserted up to
the maximum height
Were the pain
Is the greatest
and lasts longer
than Daves neighbours
after a double
Brandy laced with
essence of viagra
To help them
keep going for
The entire night
without stopping for
A comfort break
Because that would
Interrupt the marathon
And dave wouldnt
Distract young Jon
Who had his
eye on his
the Russian bird
with the long
flowing wispy moustache
that he caught
when trimming hedges
with his electric
device obtained from
Ann Summers where
Dee regularly frequents
to buy her
personal equipment which
Ron pays for
Dees personal pleasure
Which in return
makes for better
and ready for
Her meet up
at Talk of
Town with Jon
sniffing around her
handbag for signs
Of spare money
to invest in
him a pint
And pink cocktail
For his beau
with the big
box of special
Chocolates for his
Princess but laced
it with a
aphrodisiac made from
Lewtress Eurycoma Longifolia
Google it :D :D :D :D
Which Jon buys
From corner shop
On his tab
Because he was
Hoping that Lisa
Would like his
Charms to be
Nice and stiff
So that they
Could pole vault
over the fence
And see the
Sunburnt German bodies
Lying naked on
Can's patio where
He told jokes
and bored them
Stiff which wasnt
Necessary because they
Had already fallen
Asleep whilst waiting
For the punchline
Which never came
or if it
Did we missed
the sense of
The occasion,but
Nobody finds them
So its off
To the pub
And forget about
his torturous puns
So Jon takesover
with his droll
Northern humour that
is Bernard Manningesque
With lots of
swearing and Irish
Ooohhhh Rrrrring to
with loads of
Mash potato and
Some sausage on
a Yorkshire pudding
With curried beetroot
And black pudding
So he would
Be able to
bring it up
When he meets
Dee in September
And hope she
Brings some money
Because jon being
A poor pauper
And not tight
Like some we
Know from down
Preston way who
Actually spend more
Than crafty cockeneees
Who just pretend
That they are
Loaded but we
Know bling when
we buy it
And that stuff
Helps Looky Looky
Love you longtime
and look macho
Wearing designer hankies
initialled in blue
an italic D
Delilah aka Dee
Who is Ronnies
Princess who likes
to play bingo
but will show
him how to
sunbathe without any
clothes on because
He likes to
flash his oversized
Extra fat marrow
Like hairy legs
to the girls
But he's only
A pigeon chest
Who Dee adores
Rubbing seudo cream
Into his sore
Sun burnt butt
after he fell
into the TOTT
for a game
with the girls
Who like to
Have a game
Of find the
birth mark where
It is hidden
by the overhanging
beer belly which
was filled with
Flat cockeneeee ale
And Tubby's finest
Mate Dave spewed
Up after 2
Disgusting black puddings
Were smashed over
His jellied eels
Cooked to perfection
In flat ale
And Thames brine
Carefully filtered through
Some old gusset
That was last
Worn by his
Incontinent great aunt
Who married Can
In shotgun style
Because she was
impregnated by the
Prize bull which
is short sighted
So instead mounted
Can's poor snake
on to the
fireplace so that
It made Can
Cry buckets of
Tears from his
Big blue eyes
So everyone needed
to get out
The tissues and
wipe the mess
From off his
massive outpouring of
Crocodile acidic mucus
onto his best
Set of pipes
found abandoned in
Bobs lockup in
Tamaragua where they
Kept all stolen
tassels and bras
That Can took
from Jennys dresser
Who lives in
the golf club
Stud bar where
Dave propped up
The bar takings
buying condoms from
Jon to sell
On to Bob
For his next
Conquest who looks
Like Benidorm Madge
On her mobility
Allowance which Bob
Spends on vodka
And walking boots
So that he
can lavish her
With a good
walk across the
Pennines to God's
scrap yard where
Decent honest people
eat black pudding
and beetroot tart
to fill their
rotund beer bellies
Making them cuddly
To Essex girls
who like a
Bit of meat
on there hunks
To keep them
in line so
That they do
win the dare
And wear pink
satin thongs which
Dont arf chaff
but the ointment
Works after a
two hour application
Rubbed in by
a paradise girl
that Can had
hired for the
duration of his
holiday for continuity
and to give
Out lots of
Punchlines to the
disappointed young lady
who didn't find
his performance satisfying
so Dave took
pictures to post
in Cans office
So that he
can practice his
snake charming skills
on the old
Slippery one called
can the fang
Who liked to
Nibble on his
Nail clippings as
his source of
roughage for the
breakfast meal before
he tackles the
slimy london eels
Which Dave brings
up north when
visits beautiful yorkshire
To educate the
Himself on the
poor northern grammar
Schools which are
breeding ground for
Cant say that ::)
depends what you put next
cant say that ::)
use your imagination
and put something
positive that will
not be offensive
to my northern
mates who are
you for banter
don't make sense ;D
Sense it aint
from cockeneeeeee Dave
with predictive text
That he blames
On his ipad
Which he nicked
his finger on
In his haste
post his witty
comments about young
Jon and his
merry band of
happy northern mates
Who pick on
poor old pensioners
from the south
who try to
be respectfully polite
and educate the
poor Lancashire surfs
but philistines cant
be taught that
jellied eels are
a true delicacy
that Lancastrians don't
Concern themselves with
because they give
Not a dam
For wholesome food
Like pie and
Jellied eels because
That fodder is
Just like sawdust
to a butcher
Of fine food
Where dripping and
bread is sold
To unsuspecting punters
With southern accents
Who wouldn't touch
Their wallets to
Waste their cash
Which is pre-decimalisation
When a pound
Was a pound
not 100 pennies
Or 200 halfpennies
But still was
A lot of
buying power which
Resulted in a
Romance between the
poor northern boy
And his fit
Kick boxing chum
Larry from the
Local gay bar
mainly frequented by
Blokes from Lancashire
That look like
Train guards in
Fancy dress because
of their flair
In doing nowt
But drink all
The cheap vodka
With a dash
Of cheap gin
Bought from the
Bar in his
Fancy games room
Decorated pink for
His manc enemy
Who chained him
To a four
Poster bed and
Poured very hot
Baby oil over
His well toned
Chest that she
Tattooed with a
Burnley club badge
And red rose
On his right
Cheek that he
Didn't have tanned
Because of the
Tight trunks he
Kept his budgie
Well hidden from
View because it
Would scare the
Life out of
All the ladies
Except for the
bunny boilers who
Love to play
with long needles
Knitting dish cloths
For the local
Butcher to use
When chopping a
Few rotten chops
To feed to
Selwyn who would
Take to the
His girl from
Over the hills
So she can
Tease him with
Her saucy pictures
Of her tanned
and well toned
Body which was
sautéed in finest
Dark tanning oil
Before exposing to
The people of
Yorkshire and the
Men got excited
Because they don't
Mess about like
Older Scottish people
Who run a
Brothel named after
The skirted wonder
Who vanished because
he sat on
A rather large
pile of ants
that infiltrated his
White Y fronts
and disappeared up
The dark glen
And caused a
Terrible rash to
Turn the stomachs
Of the most
hardened pole dancer
Who had seen
Can totally naked
when he was
Drunk on the
Homebrew he made
From his marrows
Mixed in with
His pickled cabbage
Which smelt like
The crutch of
A very old
Kilt that he
Wears to bbq
In his kitchen
To annoy his
Followers on twitter
who idolise the
Hairy white legs
that he parades
around the glens
shooting the grouse
then plucking his
Feathers until he
choked on the
Giblets which he
had marinated in
stale porridge oats
Which he mixed
in his sporran
To give a
stale sweaty flavour
for any girl
to inhale deeply
And blow out
in little bubbles
Just like the
cockeneeees who like
Drinking Newcastle Brown
From a pretty
Yorkshire man's tankard
With encrusted crystals
And a pink
pair of frilly
Knickers that must
always match his
gay pride socks
he proudly wears
Around Lancashire when
he visits the
Preston rambling club
that walk round
the local hills
completely stark naked
eyeing up sheep
to ask out
For a meaningful
and fulfilling night
In a railway
carriage filled with
Blackburn's entire supporters
who all chanted
Who are ewe
in the baa
with the pretty
Irish man who
couldn't manage to
Play a tune
on his little
Old and rusty
penny whistle that
He nicked from
the Cartier Shop
With help from
Can the man
When he acquired
A pair of
The latest fashion
Leather pink shorts
Also worn by
Our yorkshire friend
Who thinks he
Is gods gift
At guessing numbers
For the lotto
But never wins
Because he's useless
At writing things
On hip forums
Unlike some pervs
Who lurk behind
their cameras hoping
To catch a
Glimpse of a
Naked young Dee
Frolicking with young
Animals on the
Beach where she
loses her new
Smelly flip flop
in a German's
Bunker where he
sunning his little
Self to make
his body brown
For his adoring
buddy from Yorkshire
That's quite nauseating
with his Sun's
That got cut
out coupons for
His supply of
Tia Maria for
Cocktails that make
her a little
sick because she
didn't really like
local liqueurs which
are bought from
the bar where
swingers hang out
and get up
to naughty things
making Can jealous
as he hasnt
packed his viagra
Which he needs
to sustain a
his body parts
at times of
day when he
Entertains the women
On his old
Trusty tractor which
He lovingly restored
So he could
Plough the ladies
Up and get
Some corpses to
Indulge his fantasy
Of being livelier
Than the usual
Women he had
A passion for
Who were far
More duller than
He had hoped
So he needed
Fine northern lasses
Half his age
To teach erotic
games that will
Keep him entertained
In his hotel
Room where he
Laughed at his
Inability to work
Out the simple
facts of life
and defy gravity
by taking his
rather large appendage
covered in scabs
and missing bits
Which would interest
The southern girls
Ooh you're so funny babes. Lol XXX
Who prefer a
London baby face
Who talks like
a baby does
with a cockney
Accent with a
hint of east
Lancashire twang which
Sets the teeth
Crunching on the
Big words that
Southerners don't understand
Cos they talk
With a lisp
so that northerners
From Lancashire don't
want to interpret
Their bad language
As southern drivel
Spoken by it irish
Who can count
My scrappy machine stuck the it in!
Or distinguish between
Irish or scottish
Bagpipes or kilts
Which all look
The same because
We dont really
care a toss
About men in
the latest tartan
Skirt that they
Say isnt girly
But we know
Real men wear
trousers all the
Time in Cans
reserved area of
VIP clubs like
Grab a Grannie
Night at the
Paradise club where
Can likes to
Meet his babes
and tell jokes
Just to amuse
the people with
a sense of
smell that is
not very good
after all the
foul odours from
from his rancid
Black pudding which
he liked with
A nip of
madras curried beetroot
and cocktail cherries
stuck on his
little excuse for
calling everyone babes
pretending he's smooth
smart and sophisticated
when he's really
very very stupid
And needs to
Brush up his
Trendy speaking so
He sounds cockney
To impress young
Pregnant mancs but
To be honest
when the sun
Where's that come from Dave ;D
Page 3 girl
just trying to change direction but got dragged back!
gave him a
Lol ;D ;D
Lesson in how
pose for photographs
Which enhances his
moobs and other
Drooping bits that
require touching up
Using best cement
and Irish tar
To cover the
Homemade tattoos that
cover his little
and very old
redundant penny whistle
that he played
to the tune
when Irish Eyes
are smiling at
winding Jon babe
to the point
Of throwing up
because he ate
Dave's jellied eels
which taste rancid
To refined northern
men who only
Like the best
that cost less
Because we are
saving up for
A really kinky
holiday at the
Place where Can
spys on the
Fit young Mancs
who pole dance
To the sound
of Kennys pipes
for a glass
Of cheap wine
And a hot
Curry with some
really fiery little
chillies that burn
when they pass
through the following
morning, he needs
paper from fridge
to soothe the
intense burning of
The ring of
Fire which is
Worse with farmers
My rings on fire a class song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4GwtcXrRFg
Who grow horse
Radish as this
Is best for
soothing a raw
bum after all
the activity that
has been in
legal for consenting
adults to play
with fellows of
Irish descent who
Like to swing
With much younger
People to make
Themselves act very
Silly and cringeworthy
to the other
numpties who missinterpret
A good banter
between mindless morons
With limited vocabulary
For them to
Bye bye babe
Sweet dreams babe
Which is about
as interesting as
Watching paint dry
or watching Blackburn
Beat spurs in
1955 last time
In worthington cup
Because dodgy referee
had a big
Whistle that he
Like to blow
When spurs dive
To the ground
With grace and
Nancy who was
Bob's best friend
Nay his only
friend come to
Think of it
apart from Venky
Who are his
fancy gay friends
Who like to
Dress up in
lycra cycling gear
To show off
Their over developed
Ego,s which had
Begun to annoy
The quiet drinkers
Who could handle
Jon and Dee
But then left
Jon lost his
Bottle and tried
To make amends
But only ended
Up losing friends
So he decided
to move south
But lost more
Friends cos he
Ignores the ones
That he doesn't
Care much about
who live near
Tubbie's jellies eel
Stall on petticoat
Lane where young
Dave likes to
Get his tongue
Around a nice
Manicured garden where
he lays in
A fur lined
Four poster and
Reads his Daily
Top shelf magazine
To perk himself
And touch his
Inner self so
Somebody likes him
Even though he
Needs to find
His wig that
Blew off when
he let rip
after eating a
jellied eel takeaway
Causing his neighbours
to mug him
Keeping him hostage
until handing over
His four poster
which his neighbours
gifted him for
They'd worn it
out last time
bonking all night
And keeping our
Dave awake making
him very angry
forcing him to
buy ear plugs
to block out
the Meg Ryan
like screams that
could be heard
three streets away
so Dave slept
on the beach
along with the
chipmunks and the
Rest of the
Neighbourhood so its
No place for
An OAP to
Rest his weary
old bones when
All he asks
for is a
little restraint so
he can relax
Without hearing pleasurable
music from his
sex starved spanish
neighbours who invited
Jon and Dee
to show them
How to bounce
Without making a
Very loud screaming
Noise acting with
a pool party
with loads of
Fun and laughter
cuddling and canoodling
and playing games
which Dave interacted
and kept score
as to how
many times Jon
stared at Dees
new flip flops
which were huge
and well maintained
just like her
and very squeaky
Like the bedsprings
on Daves bed
That they had
installed on the
Stage of the
Paradise club where
They performed using
stale black puddings
As sex aids
That vibrate on
a full stomach
Which causes a
Great deal of
wind and other
nasty things to
pollute the air
Which will be
Heavenly to Dee
Because she wants
to meet Jon
In his mankini
and photograph him
Posing with a
Blow up sheep
Borrowed from Can
who was lonely
after getting punctured
driving down the
Singles club where
Hes a regular
But loves mancs
squeaky piercing voices
Even if they
Are quite feisty
and appear menacing
shattering glasses when
She gets annoyed
and loses arguments
With stupid people
from West Yorkshire
Who always eat
beetroot and blackpudding
Downing pints of
Maidens Blood and
Nibbling on the
delicate red cherries
That got popped
by piercing white
Teeth and large
fangs dripping in
The blood of
pure white maidens
That love to
play bingo when
at the TOTT
the sing karaoke
with Jon who
sounds like Jiminy
Cricket on a
really good day
with the wind
Blowing up his
his tartan kilt
As he pretended
To be tough
cookie who likes
acting like dracula
Whilst sucking on
his thumb like
A little girl
in his tartan
Skirt borrowed from
the man who
Bbq's in the
kitchen wearing only
A leather thong
that his wife
Had specially designed
for his little
chipolata to fit
comfortably and maximise
the effect of
Wilted chippolata weener
overcooked and burnt
to a cinder
and only useful
To use as
A book marker
In his newspaper
that was wrapped
Over his head
To prevent the
sun burning him
Go put ya specs on ::)
Already very tender
m and w not even close on the keyboard
sticky out ears
You could have meant his ;D W and S are close ;D ;D
Which were already
Think you are correct, no hope for me ;D
peeling from the
;D ;D ;D ;D
side of his
head which was
Wrapped up in
thoughts not repeatable
on an open
forum were the
females were very
touchy on certain
subjects especially about
the female parts
that other beers
Cant wash without
causing a terrible
Burning rash to
to their inner
Thighs ,so a
lotion has to
Be applied twice
by the eager
Volunteer who was
Dying to rub
His own lotion
And ease the
Rather stiff appendage
That had been
Placed between two
Two giant orbs
Capped with red
bows made of
The finest lace
Just so that
Bob could ride
first class for
For free because
he nicked a
season ticket from
his mate in
A small Yorkshire
members golf cub
In the elite
suburb of Bratford
where the members
Like to perform
In the open
Championship at Royal
where they can
pitch and putt
to their hearts
content pretending that
they know everything
about women's minds
But know nothing
about rocket science
Unlike brainy Dave
Who has a
science lab in
His spare bedroom
where he experiments
Sometimes go wrong
causing great disappointment
To his ego
when he can't
Shout out eureka
I've invented the
The cockeneeee slang
for my china's
Cats with tails
And syrup of
figs on his
Big bold plate
And a sticky
tape holding his
Very fuzzy wig
Of blue and
black shoe polish
With a matching
Clown nose which
People squeezed to
see what pops
out of his
Nostrils that would
Be worth eating
If only he
Would stop picking
The nice juicy
Bit ones before
He offers them
The rest of
His slimy delights
Which he had
Groomed to be
A fan of
some very small
irish leprechauns who
Peek in on
Essex girls changing
Into men's underwear
imported from Ireland
Where they are
limited in the
Trouser dept ,so
Steal a kilt
thats made of
The finest wool
To pose in
front of the
Paradise club hoping
That Can will
be pulled by
His short and
taken into his
Own private boudoir
where the ladies
Play roulette and
hope to win
The star prize
which was a
one day pass
To the massage
Room where Can
can practice his
limbo dancing techniques
And shock the
girls who were
Expecting his shrivelled
Chipolata to be
A bit bigger
Or they might
Have to try
And perk him
With a blue
Pill borrowed from
Bobs daily stash
Which only Can
Knows about so
hes gotta be
careful not to
Overshadow him as
Jon will get
The hump when
his princess realises
he can't get
her flip flops
To fully function
because they are
Made for female
beach loving people
With a love
Of wet sand
Which gets everywhere
in the creases
Of his pink
Leather shorts which
Looked rather fetching
combined with his
sparkly man bag
Matching Dees flip
flop thats missing
Presumed taken by
By a passing
Drunk from manchester ;) ;) ;) :-*
With Wigan accent
Who was going
To head butt
the next person
Who argues about
The price of
a bottle of
Fake Sun tan
( i dont have a wigan accent)
from the pound
Shop next to
the wine shop
that only sells
alkies cheap plonk
And tours of
Coronation street after
it had closed
So had to
go and beg
with the boss
for some time
Off so that
She could dry
All her washing
Without anyone seeing
Her smalls that
Blow gently in
The warm Caleta
green golf course
Bunker where Kenny
was laying naked
With hie beloved
BBQ that was
sizzling pork sausages
Marinated with hot
Juice from his
Dark cellar that
Was full of
Cans rusty pipes
That he'd blown
Up to save
Young girls ears
From obscene sounds
That's heard for
Time to time
coming from his
Extra large lungs
if he has
remembered to take
His blue pills
in his hand
with a glass
Of red wine
in the other
he holds a
Large piece of
Jon's black pudding
Topped with beetroot
to bring out
The taste of
West Yorkshire where
The men wear
blue shorts and
Socks and sandals
Going on holiday
To meet his
Gay friend that
hangs around Corralejo
Searching for the
earring he lost
When had his
Wicked way with
A very hairy
21 stone female
arm wrestler from
Down Essex way
Who drinks in
The queens legs
Which is open
And charged by
Duracell batteries which
Always go flat
When she plays
With her rabbit
That's very rampant
and over worked
Because she has
an insatiable appetitie
That scares some
shy Yorkshire boys
As have a
Few other men
Who have crossed
The line because
They hide in
The pub away
from the darts
and pork scratchings
and feast on
Curried black pudding
which causes a
Strong odour to
get rid of
his smelly aftershave
Which was cheap
From the pound
shop at the
Corner of the
rough council estate
in Burnley where
Northener numpties reside
alongside very nice
Girls who can
Expertly iron shirts
without ever complaining
that they should
the latest equipment
that would help
remove the creases
made by sitting
on hard seats
waiting for the
Yorkshireman to buy
A round in
The bobby toilets
where the machine
Has run out
Of chewing gum
and tooth paste
so he has
to floss using
a thin piece
Cotton from his
extra large underpants
he found in
Can's wash bin
Which hadnt been
emptied for at
least 10 years
So was growing
dated by todays
Hygienic standards that
Require you to
partake in certain
Methods of practice
Like wiping your
Back side with
(http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/00/d9/10/00d91082046d116ead0c8b117a8fdaaa.jpg)
Which is certain
To cause problems
with his clinkers
and a tear
on the underside
which can be
excruciatingly painful if
touched with a
sharp razor blade
coated in spicy
chilli sauce which
is like diving
Into a hot
vat of molten
Lava from Lanzorote
which is so
Scaldy balls hot
And sticks to
The hair follicles
Making it difficult
To rip the
Wax strips off
The rug under
Administering local anaesthetic
Into his tender
Knacker sac while
Plying him with
Cheap Irish whiskey
Which makes him
Think he is
The Adonis body
Like Arnie or
Ronnie Mac Donald
In a mankini
Bought from Matalan
at half price
because it had
a rip in
the crotch area
To let it
breath without having
To be waved
about and banged
On the side
of the dustbin
Lid being used
for Can's paella
Which he liked
the pink prawns
Because he wanted
To skin cats
Which is nasty. :'(
but taste like
Southern fried chicken
with a hint
Of smoked salmon
Glazed with a
Red onion marmalade
Expertly made by
A chav from
The corralejo area
Where she sells
Mouldy flip flops
And fake tan
To match the
The stall roof
Painted with orange
And white stripes
And shiny new
Hair clips holding
The rusty drain
Pipe for smoking
Rather strong weeds
And thistles for
relief from painful
Of sunburnt ar$e
That looks like
the Japanese flag
Fluttering in the
Fuerteventura Calima while
Everyone enjoys the
Sand in their
toes and other
Hidden crevices that
Start to itch
When you start
To scratch the
Razor burn rash
That looks like
A baby's ar$e
So needs rubbing
With aloe vera
To calm down
That chilli burn
Which always appears
Just under his
Scrotum which he
Straps up with
old rope and
Goat skin sinews
To enhance the
smoothness of the
surface so the
Lotion is quickly
Absorbed into his
Specially made incontinence
pads that he
Wears so that
He looks like
A right proper
lad from Lancashire
That eats lots
of fast food
And drinks proper
big cups of
Earl grey tea
Without the milk
but lemon slice
Like cockeneeees do
When they are
refreshing the parts
That other beers
pickle and harden
As they shrivel
To the size
of a small
Nut that tastes
Very salty and
Gets caught in
The back of
Throat are make
Eh ;D
Of the finest
Should not put brandy on my cornflakes
Ceylon tea leaves
Lol ;D ;D
Which make the
Sri Lanka workers
Produce the finest
brew in the
Lyons corner house
Where paddy sat
dreaming of his
Scones and jam
And meeting the
Local town idiot
who likes to
Keep doing a
Long walk across
the golf course
Where Jon pulls
out his little
Note book and
Pen he nicked
From the captain
Who looks like
He will murder
But got bribed
Into letting him
drink after hours
As long as
He buys scones
With whipped cream
That's hand made
By a large
Left wrist action
Used often as
He skulks in
Dark corners watching
Through toilet door
Looking for his
Minuscule pork sausage
That shrinks when
Essex gals show
Their bare feet
Heels as they
Search around for
Silver tiaras and
Fake tan that
Shine and glow
Because it's to
Dark in bars
So hides all
of the features
That are greatly
More prominent in
the local strip
where drunken irishmen
Flirt constantly with
with loose women
From the south
As they flash
Their apple catchers
And booby doobies
And wobbly tummy
Swinging his langer
In the direction
Of Lola's luscious
Lips painted with
Deep purple gloss
With a scent
Of goats pi$$
;D
He finds attractive
When milking his
Small and hairy
Pot bellied pig
With wind issues
That vibrate around
The small bedroom
In Bradford city
Centre where he
Supports the Banties
But only on
Days they win
So he can
Play with himself
U wot m8?
Recordings of Leeds
Rugby league lose
To women's league
Which is very
Poncy like banties
Causing him to
Go down the pub and have a pint
And hide whilst
Others buy drink
Which he fiinds
Very popular with
Certain rough customers
From South Essex
Who eat all
Jellied eels and
Drink posh tea
Outa china mugs
And flowery teapot
With lace doilies
And fancy cake
With cucumber sandwiches
Cut into triangles
And no crusts
And best butter
With lemon zest
That gets his
Knob shining bright
And standing up
At an angle
Guaranteed to hit
His lower wrist
When he plays
My ding aling
And bangs spoons
On his knees
And whistles to
the tune of
Emmerdale so that
he remembers the
Time when he
Once visited the
Rovers Return in
A dark nightmare
With Queen Vic
Looking over his
Counter in the
Middle of the
Wool pack pub
Where his mates
Drink tea from
Dirty old boots
Worn by the
Yorkshire elite who
wash their feet
In scented oils
and Irish whiskey
Which is all
A load of
rubbish to get
The taste out
Of the curry
Flavoured crisps that
That are horrible :-X
But cure a
Very bad cold
With snotty nose
TOTTY pretending to
Be younger than
the legal age
For performing the
Naked pole dance
With the fit
Young men from
The Yorkshire dales
that hide under
the tables when
its their round
They ain't tight
So buy everybody
a large lemonade
Laced with a
honey rum chaser
And massage oil
To ease all
The bone pains
From exercising on
The beach where
The Italians are
waving white flags
Whilst drinking from
Their very small
Glass of water
Which made them
Appear to be
Proper men who
Know how to
Treat a lady
By buying lots
of washing powder
And marigold gloves
To delicately scrub
the underside of
a very smelly
vest and underpants
Why do you always lower the tone Can
From Marks and
found he had
Worn out the
the gusset because
They sweated buckets
From running the
other way again
To avoid the
The barmaid who
had the bill
Quote from: DaveW on September 18, 2014, 17:23:37 PM
Why do you always lower the tone Can
From Marks and
You have seen him in his vest Dave, sat there supping his afternoon tea and scones that you paid for :o
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
So she had
a big stick
To poke him
to wake him
Up from his
Boring rugby game
So sulks when
His team gets
Beaten by girls
with bad attitude
Because of idiots
Who dont know
How to drink
Lots and keep
Their kebab from
Dropping on the
Floor of the
Dressing room shower
Where Can likes
To sit and
Fiddle with his
overfilled wallet that
Hasn't seen the
Light of day
For years and
Years because he's
A tight wad
And only spends
when it suits
Him because he
Only spends on
Blonde bimbos with
Enhanced breasts which
May pop when
Exposed to the
Fake tan salon
Causing everyone to
Choke on smelly
Plastic fillets that
Look like they
Have been massaged
By toilet stranglers
Then pierced with
A rusty stud
Which rubbed on
Someone else's toothbrush
Which had batteries
as flat as
The old car
that he drives
Looking for lost
loose women who
Only drink cheap
Yorkshire wine with
Chavs that look
Like Oompa Loompas
And prance round
In thong bikini's
Pretending to sing
A-gaa doo dooo
And pushing his
Pineapple up ahill
covered in sticky
Honey which came
with his croissant
And flaky pastry
Which came from
The Beach Cafe
on the beach
Where the sea
Is surrounded by
old northern folk
with long grey
Beards that touch
Their knobbly knees
Making them look
Just like kennys
When he's wandering
goes on touching
His shiny pipes
On his new
Indoor BBQ which
He's only allowed
To use once
Before he has
To go on
His naked romps
before he gets
Sand in his
overcooked pork sausage
Which reminds of
A story she
Once chose to
pm to Can
With pictures that
would shock even
The more mature
Emmerdale photographer when
They see the
size of the
Sun burn blisters
on her ample
Thighs that have
a tattoo of
A love heart
With VR across
Can's picture taken
On his beloved
Paradise club night
Where he parades
In his thong
And string vest
And white socks
And pink sandals
With his sporran
He made from
His sheep's best
Innards That smell
like a yorkishire
Terrier crossed with
a dingle drosser
Who eats and
farts like a
Geordie bloke on
Guinness and sprouts
Then blames the
wife and dog
Which gets him
off the hook
Until its time
to start his
Tractor when they
Start to chase
attractive looking sheep
From the hills
Dressed in green
Onesies with large
Ears to hold
Cartons of alcoholic
Based Vaseline for
a nice easy
Entry into the
Beautiful Yorkshire countryside
where everyone is
Speaking in a
Slow drunk manner
That Lancys dont
because only drink
Cheap white wine
from a back
street shop which
sells Essex wine
In plastic bottles
to stop any
Glass been smashed
over naughty mens
shiny new cars
Before they bumped
into the wall
and caused lots
Of damage to
the side of
His Hyundai 40
which is now
In the garage
so he will
Have to pay
but thats ok
Cos he's minted
After winning the
raffle in the
Local club house
where jellied eels
Are sold to
the pearly kings
With a glass
of London Pride
In an engraved
pewter tankard with
A gold plated
Dave written on
So he doesn't
Forget what his
name is cos
Hes over 60
and sometimes forgets
What hes doing
like leaving his
Wallet in the
paradise club where
He decided to
try a cartwheel
Wearing a kilt
Without flashing his
Bits and pieces
That can excite
Even the most
Experienced young female
Who's seen plenty
Of Can's flesh
Over the years
Unlike Ronnie who
Likes to keep
everything under wraps
And not flaunt
it on here
because it might
Upset the delicate
young boys who
have not experienced
Real black pudding
that clogs arteries
and causes smelly
breath that will
make everybody run
In the opposite
Direction into a
Dark alley where
where dark people
Look darkly at
very dark things
That are darker
Than the darkest
Dark chocolate that
Was really dark
In deepest dark
And the darkest
Deep dark pit
Where the dark
People darken their
Dark hair darker
Than the darker
Jet black ink
Which was dark
Compared with other
Less dark inks
That darken Doncaster
And other Yorkshire
Places that darken
The really dark
Shadows that darken
In the dark
Bradford bulls stadium
Where the Gods
Struggle to see
The dark humour
That lights up
The darkest place
Which hides even
The darkened Leeds
When the electricity
failed making it
A nicer place
But darker than
Manchester which is
Cemetery with lights
Which shine down
On old Trafford
Where a certain
Dutchman excites all
The really dark
Sense of humour
Which only he
Finds funny cos
no one else
Can understand what
he is on
About so just
smile and nod
And walk away
while thinking what
is going on
In the dark
dark corners of
A dark mind
where dark thoughts
Were even darker
than the darkest
Place that you
could take anyone
And have a
naan bread with
A mild Korma
Cos his guts
Are very delicate
and he doesn`t
Dare chance anything
That is slightly
edible especially from
The Bradford Morrisons
Dark dungeons of
The food emporium
Where he buys
His edible undies
To enhance the
Pleasure of his
Varied diet that
Includes lots of
Dodgy black pudding
Made in Bury
From the offcuts
Of the pigs
Not good enough
To become bratwurst
only nasty tasting
trotters which made
northerners suckle with
The thought of
A nice prawn
Mixed with fresh
Fishy tastes that
take you back
To Brighton pier
When you used
To eat jellied
Pigs hearts and
Other southern delicacies
Which makes normal
Northerners want to
Gag and laugh
At their strange
Habits that don't
Compare to the
Class of manchester
Where they eat
Alcoholic fruit in
Bowls of stew
Unlike Irishmen who
Eat our steak
and stray cats
With french fries
drenched in tomato
Ketchup,Heinz of
Chicken soup and
slice of bread
Made by a
Little boy who
put his finger
In the dyke
Ooooh her missus
who didnt enjoy
such shocking unpleasantries
where rubber is
Only needed if
Water is leaking
Down the boots
And your feet
Are getting slightly
soiled from the
Constant use of
The toilet which
was situated in
The first class
lounge in Gatwick
Where the classy
business fraternity enjoy
A cup of
Earl Grey with
A large slice
Of Madera cake
and some tiffin
served on a
Bed of feathers
causing a nasty
Coughing fit which
Caused him to
Turn a strange
shade of green
And behaving like
An ageing drunk
man from Leinster
Who sways to
the shaking Lancashire
Lass who is
up for a
With her lovebird
little leprechaun with
His rotten jokes
Supporting Leeds United
And Munster rugby
Kicking Tottenham ass
Because southern softies
Tottenham managers words ;D
Always drop the
balls because are
Wanting Gareth back
home where he
Was loved by
The loyal supporters
Who appreciated his
spicy meatballs with
Freshly pickled beetroot
and a buttered
Currant teacake with
A sick bucket
at the ready
For The dicky
stomach that might
Reject the northern
delicacies which sometimes
Poison the recipient
it theyve not
taken special precautions
for there delicate
teeny weeny bites
That look very
sweet and sickly
Like Tia Maria's
or Disaronno which
Really gets you
smelling of marzipan
Which in turn
Makes you balk
Unless your hard
Unlike some down
in Manchester or
Even in Blackburn
where northern softies
Make southern pufters
look like little
Dynamos cuddling northern
girls because they
prefer southern men
at six years
Older than their
husbands for maturity
Or sugar daddies
to satisfy their
Taste for the
Good life that
Southerners can't give
Without total commitment
So opt for
Roughing it with
Tubby Isaacs the
Whelk seller from
Down petticoat lane
purveyor of fine
Football teams so
Never trust a
Lancashire men offering
spicy chicken wings
Which are like
vindaloo but hotter
and really make
Your ring sting
especially when Dave
dips his eels
in mushy peas
And beetroot puree
He pinched from
A fit northern
Bloke who knew
how to fool
A southern pussy
to not laugh
When he knows
He is not
Going to tolerate
Nonsense from the
Football fans that
Unfortunately support spurs
frustrated with failure
After failure after
A very premature
Exit from the
Bar when it
Became certain it
was Jon's round
So he hid
With his phone
In the toilet ::)
for the umpteenth
Don't you start ;D ;D
Time due to
His weak bladder
and loss of
Memory because of
All the drossing
And cheap ale
Supplied by his
mate at Talk
Of the town
Which is the
hub of Corralejo
Where trendy people
compare their tattoos
With the best
One winning a
Free game of
hide the sausage
In Dave's wallet
Covered in mustard
from head to
The bottom of
his best wellies
Acquired from a
certain Irishman called
Big babe can
who loved his
Lovely Lancashire Lass ::)
Because she made
him get excited
And call her
his princess and
follow her like
a love sick
dog agreeing with
anything that she
asked him to
Until she ditched
the underhand stalker
on his birthday
For a biker
in leathers and
twenty years younger
the little leprechaun
was totally devastated
So married a
Young cambodian girl
Called Heren who
couldn't pronounce 'L's
but a jilted
Irishman isn't chosey
and will stoop
To any level
to replace Helen
To satisfy his
need for a
Quick cuddle behind
the tractor shed
Being watched by
his flock of
Geese ready for
a fight with
The old bull
near the cow-pat
next to his
Usual seat were
he can smell
Heren's lovely big
juicy freshly baked
Melons he squeezed
so that they
looked like Helen's
healthily toned but
were hidden under
multiple layers of
Cans pig manure
Put on to
Firm up the
thighs for wrapping
up and giving
better grip on
the wrinkly old
64 year old
bald yorkshire man ;)
who liked to
earn money stripping
for Lancashire Lassies
that pay well
to see a
drunk dancer on
From Bratford perform
to desperate biddies
Hoping to get
A bit of
A smooth talking
From Yorkshire's finest
But could he
Perform when it
Actually came to
The crunch with
a bag of
Cheesy wotsits and
Some pickled onions
Don't forget mibeetroot
and cold glass
of lager to
help see the
evening through until
he crossed the
hills to buy
H a new
Pair of large
earings to match
The door knockers
hand crafted by
Can in his
Rusty old shed
where he plays
With his pipe
Stuck up his
vice to ensure
A high pitch
Was enabled before
He entertained his
Lancashire lass to
Send her asleep
Caressing her hair
And feeding her
Olives and grapes
before gently removing
The big pips
And spitting them
Into her mouth
Caressing her lips
Before she threw
Him onto the
Peat bog where
He did a
Really strange dance
For spectacular H
Which she found
To be spectacular
But very strange
Because he was
Wearing a pink
Tutu with a
Large picture of
Elton John holding
A yellow brick
Fizzle stick and
A large pink
Vibrating wand that
Was used to
accompany Rolf with
Teaching the children
How to hold
A quite small
Didgeridoo while humming
The theme from
The dam busters
Whilst watching a
Film on how
To inflate sheep
without using your
Hands whilst playing
with a pair
Of crystal balls
and hand pump
to inflate his
Ego which had
been increased due
To H's attentions
And words of
Endearment like babe
And outshone the
Shy people of
West Yorkshire who
go straight for
wrinkly old dames
with vast experience
and charge by
The millimetre when
H insists on
Value for money
so she makes
A squeal of
delight when Can
Managed to find
a joke which
Tickled her fancy
Which he often
Tried to do
With loving care
But only laughed
When he so
didnt want to
But he idolised
his babe so
He internet groomed
an older model
from London area
who saw through
All his blarney
so he went
back to TOTT
For a game
Of tiddlywinks with
His beloved princess
Of the north
Side of Essex
Who had gone
Awol from her
sunbed next to
Her beloved washer
so she could
Keep an eye
on her whites
So that they
all came out
Pristine and clean
ready for Jon
To sniff them ???
to cure his
Phobia of getting
kicks from clean
Lacy thongs which
Raise his pulse
Making him very
horny horny horny
So gets out
His very dangerous
Python which has
Pink glitter from
Head to toe
On yorkshire stage
Where top performers
Wear their wellies
And leopard skin
Bra and thong
Donated by Can
From club Paridiso
Regulars special collection
From South Ipswich
WhereCans jokes
Got applauded for
Extreme hilarious fits
And giggles that
Jiggle her boobs
Causing a lot
Of problems for
Flat chested chavs
Who wished they
Had stayed at
The fish wives
Eating a large
Sour lemon to
To get rid
Of pleased look
And sarcastic grin
From his face
Caused by the
Retired pensioners Club
That dressed in
a pink mankini (ftp://a%20pink%20mankini)
And matching finger
Ehh ;D lost me ;D
Poke that was
Not as big
As Can thought
But he still
liked the smell
After he had
bathed in fragrant
chillie con carne
with curry sauce
and mango chutney
Sprinkled with spicy
sprinkles and jewels
To look attractive
for his babe
Who is not
Taking it lying
Down because won't
Be able to
Perform when prompted
To mount a
Wooly sheep from
Can's favourite flock
To keep Ipswich
In fine knitwear
And green wellies
while driving tractors
Singing along to
the Wurzles greatest
In a very
loving way,which
Resembled grating iron
rubbed against a
Rusty old tractor
Parked up in
A dogging park
Where he frequented
On many occasions
Whilst waiting for
The local cameraman
To get his
best angle to
Film the old
Boy to make
A gift for
His old lady
Because he had
Lots of grovelling
To do due
To his philandering
And being rude
To Chelsea pensioners
And caused an
Political PC storm
So he hid
under the duvet
whilst smelling his
Very mouldy old
beetroot and pickle
that was saving
in a ziplock
to take to
the airport so
didnt need to
put in suitcase
but carry in
His morrisons bag
Which cost him
Because it was
5p now so
he will economise
And steal the
Bag when nobody
was around but
Got caught by
An irate Scottish
man wearing a
Kilt and sporran
and high heels
Which made him
slightly taller than
Helen in her
Trainers that have
A hole in
Causing a sore
Big toe
In two words ::) ::)
was practicing on mi phone ;D
which just isnt
Good because can't
Fathom out what
this is all
About so he
started a new
thread about monkeys
And how they
Jump up and
count their nuts
So that Tarzan
can swing with
the knowledge that
he won't have
to rely on
Jane to hold
on to his
Pink man bag
Made from ostrich
scrotum which was
Borrowed from Can
Who had a
Fetish for the
kinkier thing in
His favourite club
Where he is
often seen performing
the gangham style
to the sound
Bagpipes played by
a very pasty
leprechaun from Sligo
That talks like
Mrs Brown after
a few sherbets
which he can`t
really handle because
his normal drink
is afternoon tea
with hob nobs
and jam scones
don`t forget the
the lace doilies
and the cucumber
Sandwiches cut into
Quarters with crusts
Off because it
Played havoc with
His diet of
Water and whiskey
And lettuce leaves
wrapped around chirizo
Wrapped in blackpudding
With curry sauce
From a recipe
Off the Internet
That he emailed
To a Manc
every single day
With pictures to
show her how
To create his
fitness programme which
He refuses to
follow because he
Would rather sit
on his tractor
Fiddling with his
top shelf magazines
And watching dirty
Videos on his
Pink iPad that
has London Birds
Performing in a
most unusual way
With a large
Orifice between two
God like figures
on Mount Venus
Looking a bit
tarty with their
Bleached blond hair
And short skirts
and fish fingers
Which needed a
a little spicy
Homemade sauce from
the finest chillies
Cultivated specifically for
Yorkshire tangy pallets
Which are wierd
For beetroot and
any rubbish that
Goes with curry
that is cheap
But amazingly brilliant
For raising hormone
And making it
Stand up straight
and whistle colonel
Saunders fried chicken
TV advert jingle
For Venkys chicken
which is chewy
Like their football
team who are
Incapable of winning
like useless Spurs
Who pay millions
for the use
Of overpaid foreigners
To pose around
In pink thongs
Diving around like
a Yorkshire terrier
With a bone
Then moaning when
He has spent
All his cash
Treating his friends
To Indian takeaways
In deepest Bradford
where they always
look after young
Girls who like
something filling and
Substantial to eat
Before they go
On the lash
Drinking in every
Cheap bar and
Night club in
Bradfords select areas
Where Ron lurks
in toilet cubicles
Avoiding Can because
he always buys
Cheap Scottish whisky
for Northern lads
Christmas cakes which
they eats with
Popeye and his
And his enemy
In echo chamber
Quote from: DaveW on October 28, 2014, 16:23:57 PM
Popeye and his
Quote from: RonnieTheBull on October 28, 2014, 16:27:01 PM
And his enemy
Red Card for Jon - repeating One word is forgiveable, but two is fatal
(http://idrgrp.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/red_main_1689473a.jpg)
where he could
have a conversation
With someone who
Drank tea and
Ate scones with
his daily mail
Sitting in the
Beach Cafe while
Ogling at the
camels that remind
him of Julie
On a good
day with the
Lights turned down. (Who is Julie?)
so they cuddled (i made her up)
On the sofa
With a good
Pair of glasses
to ogle his
Xhamster down loads
which he forwards
To all of
His friends who
can`t be bothered
with tacky nonsense
and picking up
All those newspapers
for the fish
to be wrapped
up with the
Chips and then
smothered all over
with beetroot juice
And spicy curry
Paste and chutney
Made from the
Finest ingredients that
Morrison's stocks in
the quick sale
That gets Jon
all excited about
Cause he saves
himself for Dee
after he decided
to travel down
To make her
Day by showing
How to make
a bun in
The oven,which
He wonders how
it possibly got
there when he
left it at
Gas mark 2
which wasn`t hot
Just like his
favourite curry with
Lots of beetroot
To give it
A spooky colour
Just in time
For the small
Event that is
due to occur
At the local
male waxing saloon
Where Yorkshire men
bare their hairy
Bottoms to the
horrified delicate beautician
Who's quite rough
stubble was prickly
Like the coarsest
Sandpaper you could
buy in Morrisons
In the hardware
section which offers
Two for one
jars of beetroot
And pickled eggs
and other northern
Delicacies that southerners
Eat on a
day when they
Need to realise
there must be
A better place
to dispose of
All that southern
Ireland exports which
Is full of
horse manure and
Unsavoury characters who
tell dodgy jokes
And hang around
seedy night clubs
Causing trouble for
Teenage Russian girls
That flirt with
the older men
From Ipswich, blackburn
and especially Leinster
Where they eat
Deep fried peat
while attacking a
Passing postman who
Looked like Paddy
In his shorts
and sandals with
Red rose socks
being chased by
Some angry husbands
Who have made
Enquiries about their
PPI claims because
They think paddy
should have delivered
The cheque weeks
ago but left
It in his
favourite Bobby's corner
Where he sits
and puts the
Cheques down the
barmaid's blouse hoping
That they wont
bounce too far
In her wonderbra
making him spill
His real ale
down her cleavage
So she had
to change her
Top in full
view of Paddy
Who got excited
And began to
Shake with great
Delight at the
Pleasure he enjoyed
Whilst he watched
The beer dribble
onto the PPI
Cheques,ruining them
before he can
Get around to
asking for commission
On the cheques
Or special offer
If he delivered
two bags of
Mail on time
to the correct
Addresses instead of
The nearest or
The easiest place
To deliver the
lot in one
Big go instead
of individual service
That we all
expect from the
Young postman who
are dedicated professional
And show pride
in keeping his
Bag in his
Postman Pat van
While he feeds
the dogs with
Poisoned meat so
they are dead
So wont bite
when he visits
The lady of
the large house
where he gets
His bit on
side nearly every
time he delivers
The goods to
the recipients pleasure
Who invites him
in for a
chance to deposit
His full sack
into her receptive
Which was quite
experience for this
Was the only
available place to
Drop his bag
and get down
On the job
and get the
Payment he is
has expected in
when he cashes
IOU's from Bob
which add up
To a single
That he can
Repay over a
pint of best
creamy Yorkshire bitter
and offer some
advice on the
The way we
Don't like flat
Beer ooop north
Unlike those soft
Shandy drinking southerners
Who know nothing
About the art
of kissing blokes
They prefer camels
With sweeter breath
than old buffaloes
from the Paradise
club where Can
is in charge
of locking threads
and annoying some
of the regulars
to their favourite
dross which is
not playing the
game when we
try to have
a laugh and
Take the Mickey
in a friendly
Sort of way
but unfortunately some
Insecure types dont
find things funny
And send texts
moaning about us
With rude pictures
posted on the
Other forum that
might allow such
Disgusting and childish
antics that we
Wont put up
with because we
Are more civilised
than the other
Bunch who just
post pics and
Tell silly jokes
that no-one finds
Funny at all
10 ;D
even Dave gets
Fed up with
the pointless offerings
And gets the
poor old cockeneee
All steamed up
over guess the (ftp://over%20guess%20the)
next insult from
That nasty Bob
encouraged by Jon
pick on Cockeneeeeeeeeeeeees
Fine upstanding gentlemen
Which we disagree
and argue that
All southerners are
complete and utter
Inferior to northerners
who always win
Guess the number
without throwing teddies
Out the pram
with their delusions
Of a better
Standard of banter
that can be
Brought about by
Agreeing with northerners
which is never
a good idea
If you are
from the South
Because pride will
make them lose
There sense of
direction and they
prefer quality conversation
with other cockeneeeees
with large vocabularies
like apples/stairs
move your 'arris
And Rockford files
and other enlightening
Programmes from the
Early seventies which
Some on here
Remember very well
Like only yesterday
when times were
better than today
When you could
drive your Cortina
After ten pints
and a game
Of darts with
a side bet
With our Yorkshire
friend because he
Likes to think
he is the
Bees knees at
all pub games
Against numpties who
Think southern teams
Can beat Stoke
in their dreams
They beat all
the northern bullies
Who try to
Steal their teddies
And throw them
At old ladies
Who try to
Put them back
In the pram
So that the
Cockeneeees can have
A look at
How to do
a witty response
And be accepted
Without having to
be happy and
Act in a
manner that provokes
Loads of hilarity
But just removes
all of his
Hard thought up
Threads that he
decided to remove
All his clothes
and perform a
star jump damaging
his poor brain
on the large
Pole that was
sharp in places
Causing him to
Leave some flesh
Stuck on the
Cactus thorns that
Get caught in
The delicate parts
of his body
that are sensual
to sheep which
have nice breath
because he doesnt
eat garlic before
before giving a
lift to his
girlfriend who was
having its puncture
Repaired in the
nether regions of
of deepest darkest
La Campanella where
the seedy lap
La Capellania Dave ;) ;)
as he's known
is cheap Russian
bars with young
Russian ladies who
will seek to
Relieve you of
hard earned pension
Which with inflation
beats working any
day of the
week except Mondays
Because dee loves
Mondays as bestest
So she can
Have a whinge
about poor Jon
or farting dogs
or washing machines
that need sorting
I enjoy a red. Will take it ;D
out before the
iron gets broken
in road rage
when she assaults
a poor young
Man who approaches
close to her
and doesn`t indicate
Which makes Dee
steam with rage
because everybody should
Move out of
her way because
she loses the
sense of direction
Whens shes in
A rush to
get to work
And do Morrison's
shop but unable
To afford Safeways
Or even waitrose
Where the food
Is so expensive
but the coffee
Is much better
because it's free
but tastes of
Wee water that
discerning coffee drinkers
Who like to
sip their Americano
Like its the
Best thing since
Earl Grey tea
Which Sir Dave
drinks pints of
Of that is
Like liquid viagra
And keeps him
up all night
Making a terrible
strain on his
dodgy ticker which
Is working treble
Time just to
keep up with
the young girl
with a healthy
Appetite for the
young stud from
down Suffolk way
who know how
to eat eels
And treat ladies
Like they should
do the work
In the kitchen
and prepare his
Breakfast,dinner ,tea
and iron his
Y fronts so
he could pose
In the mirror
before hitting the
paradise to see
If he can
work up a
Decent opportunity to
make a pound
Collecting empty glasses
from around the
Seedier parts of
Caleta where the
Camel parade along
looking for a
Trip to Corralejo
to meet Thongman
Enjoying the sun
on the dunes
Where the pervs
look out for
Dave in his
pink mankini which
Makes him look
like Jon on
A good day
But much younger
And a lot
better at doing
the household chores
when his leg
gave way and
He needed a
Large vodka followed
By more vodka
To dilute the
Taste of the
Tonic that spoils
Every drink that
Requires careful preparation
And not just
thrown together like
A flat pint
Of Yorkshire bitter
just for cockennnnnnnnnneeeeeeees
Who prefer superior
Class of drink
not northern rubbish
That they claim
But know is
not fit for
Cockeneee consumption because
Northern impurities damage
Their tender livers
so they shouldn`t
venture beyond Watford-Gap
Drinking strong beers
that deadens brain
Cells,which are
More prevalent south
Of bradford which
is where Bob
Im here sweetie :-*
Drunk after drinking
a rum punch
In Blackburns worst
massage parlour and
A fiver gets
a happy ending
And a dose
that his wife
Didnt really want
to go near
The lap dancing
Club which was
full of desperate
Old men like
Bradford Bulls supporters
Who don't understand
Any cockeneees at
normal speed which
Sounds like a
episode of Eastenders
Which has got
Pathetic over the
number of non
Story lines which
Are far too
Boring and silly
Actors who aren't
Worth the effort
And can't talk
The queens English
or know where
Anywhere north of
the Dartford Crossing
Which is bandit
And dangerous for
fine upstanding Northerners
with weak bladders
containing real ale
And not p&ss
every 5 minutes
And leave their
chicken vindaloo to
Cover the porcelain
In terrible splashes
Of recycled tetley
bitter which was
Unfit for human
Consumption if they
realised it was
From down south
near Rotherham where
The six fingered
locals who have
Cousins in Guiseley
and Burnley where
Jon was born
and a star
was born for
Billy Smarts circus
as the ringleader
Of the clowns
With his big
feet and red
Nose borrowed from
Bob after a
night out at
The Talk of
the Town where
He loves all
the different brands
Of cheap vodka
smuggled in from
A dodgy trawler
Off the coast
of Blackpool where
Bob is often
giving walks advice
To the educated
At the top
of the board
who like to
discuss his photographs
and volcano rims
Without banal interruptions
from the drossers
Who tend to
know more than
That lot upstairs
but we just
Put up with
Their snide comments
and respond accordingly
With the utmost
Dignity that we
Just don't expect
From them upstairs
with bitter cutting
Remarks about post
By poor misunderstood
Spike who tries
To wind up
the people who
Are always getting
the wrong end
of his tongue
which can be
razor sharp because
he's a famous
celebrity around Pajara
Where the goats
Are very choosy
To whom they
offer their services
Because there is
a great demand
For a good
plate of cheese
And a fine
glass of milk
From his goat
that lives in
His back garden
and lives off
The weeds that
are suspiciously like
A banned substance
for making sweet
Music with his
ukulele he got
From George Formby
on his window
Which was very
dirty due to
Having no window
cleaner since discovery
That Mr Wu
Was a wongun
From darkest Preston
Where the chinese
Whispers cause concern
because everyone was
Believing what they
heard from the
Person who shall
remain nameless as
We all know
who they are
but we dont
Like to post
Anything that could
Upset people of
a sensitive nature
causing them to
Run away crying
To the people
who lend sympathetic
ears and then
Just totally ignore
Us poor drossers
while they post
Nasty things about
poor old Gareth
diving all over
The pitch until
the ref finally
Gives in and
takes a selfie
With him to
sell on ebay
To raise some
money to buy
Some detergent to
Clean his glasses
And enable him
to see the
Mistakes that he
made for wrongly
Thinking Gareth had
tried to con
Him but really
he was tripped
By his mate
Ronaldo as he
Ran for the
chicken on the
Venkys shop counter
full of salmonella
Which will make
him fall over
So the ref
awards a penalty
And Gareth misses
the Spurs fans
Who bottied him
with great affection
and kissing his
on his magic
Roundabout where dillon
chases Zebedee while
Florence smokes some
Whacky baccy from
Dillons stash under
the Christmas tree
dumped on waste
Ground by Brian
Who hates christmas
because it is
To commercialised now
not how it
Used to be
when we were
Young and rationing
Food was part
of everyday life
For the unfortunate
Unlike today's spoilt
Kids who expect
Everything they ask
For and get
it but then
Don't respect the
Meaning of it
So we tell
Them about the
Three wise men (Bob, Jon and Dave) ;D
Who know what
the real meaning
Of it all
but gorge themselves
On food and
Too much alcohol
Followed by a
Huge fight with
All the relatives
caused by a
Argument about the
advances made by
the drunken old
Cockeneee who likes
to miss Ron's
92000 posts but
We forgive him
As he has
forgotten his camera
Which he will
learn to use
At some stage
so he can
show Dee his
favourite Yorkshire beauty
dressed in only
His special thongman
outfit with a
Nice pink trim
To show off
his latest tattoo
Depicting a picture
of two drunken
northern bums in
Bradford getting stuck
Drinking weak beer
by the bucketful
Paid for by
poor old Jon
The Yorkshire baron
Were he sits
counting his brass
With every penny
Donated to Bob
and his personal
Holiday fund for
gallivanting around the
Globe visiting all
The vodka houses
Which sell all
his favourite brands
of cask ale
Which still tastes
like the gusset
Of an old
pair of draws
Worn by Nora
His home help
Who has not
changed them since
Jon promised to
buy Dee a
New merc because
he is trying
To impress the
Pants off her
Because he wanted
To give her
Something very intimate
Which we cant
discuss in public because
Dave is getting excited using ;D
too many words ::)
Because he is very ;D
Thick and cant
Count up to
three,Jons also
Very clever spotting
Daves spelling mistakes
And counting errors
because he has
To be seen
To be better
Than he thinks
Which is not
saying much about
his spelling abilities
which are very
disrespectful of English
speaking citizens who
Think they are
Better than us
because they always
miserable northern folk
Who suffer southerners
visiting Blackpool tower
Which they think
Is the Arc
De triomphe ,because
English is not
easy for them
Especially them cockeneees
With their rhyming
Slang which normal
Sensible northerners don't
Understand or give
A toss what
the Southerners are
Blabbering on about
Making no sense
To anyone but
Fellow cockenees who
always wear Onesies
Looking like Rudolf
with big red
Nose and fluffy
Onesie for Dee
Because she likes
Christmas because she's
A sucker for
All that craaap
but shes happy
So thats ok
If she wants
to see Santa
In his grotto
sitting on his
pile of presents
Bought from poundland
And tickling his
whiskers to get
the biggest present
That you have
Ever had because
he is very
Kind and generous
like Essex folk
Who still believe
The world is
better down south
But we all
Know that's not
Appreciated by northern
Who think they
Are the tops
Which is truthful
Because we can
Beat them at
Almost everything except
Cerebral challenging debate
Because they haven't
a clue after
The finest ale
by the gallon
Before having a
Take away curry
With all the
Trimmings including a
mince pie and
Curried xmas pudding
with lashings of
Beetroot sauce with
Black pudding starter
sounding absolutely delicious
So jon was
In food heaven
but forget the
Horrible rock eels
but bring the
Tia Maria and
some Pepsi Max
By the bucket
because Dee only
Likes to have
ten a day
before going dry
and being a
very good girl
she only drank
virgin Mary's while
She was waiting
for Bob to
Learn how to
Make a cocktail
That isnt full
of vodka and
A fancy umbrella
Stuck in the
Birmingham airport,waiting
For a free
Luxury coach courtesy
of his friends
At Ryanair who
Adore their customers
and treat them
with the respect
of valued customers
Every last desire
So why dee
Whinge about minor
Detours which cause
Minimum of inconvenience
And get you
to Stansted in
The early hours
With plenty of
Time before work
but never again
Will she moan
about the quality
Of St Michaels
Excellent customer care
she secretly admires
and will book
Business class next
So she can
sit next to
Saint Michael and
sip chilled champagne
At his expense
while praising his
In flight entertainment
On the way
to the resceduled
Flight just for
an extra 8
Passengers that have
Complained about special
Requirements that were
Not given when
All she wanted
Was to go
to Stansted airport
Which was closed
because Dave was
Sitting on the
baggage conveyor belt
Complaining about the
cost of his
Coffee at the
Costa coffee house
Where he threw
His toys out
Of the pram
and hit Bob
On his bad
leg which made
him very grumpy
so he went
for a beer
To ease the
money from Jon's
Wallet which was
as much Bob's
Money that jon
could donate to
the pensioner fund
for Dave to
Dip into for
his holiday fund
For when he
requires a little
Exotic rock eel
With a glass
Of Waitrose plonk
or a shot
Of Yorkshire bitter
to shampoo his
syrup so that
the true colours
Stand out for
accentuating his handsome
Rugged features that
drive woman wild
with lustful desire
Unable to control
Their urges they
let their animal
Passions out on
Dave who can't
Resists a good
bunk up with
Any old slapper
You have ruined the story
from West Yorkshire
Sorry ;D ;D
Cos he's desperate
they experience southern
men to appreciate
What they miss
from proper Northern
Todger erectile dysfunction
Usually caused by
Weak southern beer
And watching Eastenders
And owt to
Remind us of
our round so
we all know
To visit the
Toilet before its
Impossible not to
Get his wallet
Stuck in the
Inside pocket of
His designer jacket
which was padlocked
So that jon
would delay until
People got fedup
of waiting for
Him to buy
Their 20th drink
without dipping into
Bobs wallet because
Yorkshiremen are renown
For being generous
With other people's
Interests at heart
While ensuring he
Spends as little
On himself so
people pity him
buying all Bobs
sob stories about
How jon never
buys a round
but buys twenty
cigarettes and twenty
vodkas for Bob
but borrows the
money from Dave
at reasonable interest
which you'd expect
from an Essex
geezer who wheels
Jellied eels around
In an old
Yellow Robin Relient
down the frog
and toad to
pop into uncles
Lock up in
Mile End Road
Where wide boys
flog fake watches
With Rodex on
printed on the
Face fooling cockeneees
into parting with
Their cushty money
Earned from selling
Hookey goods down
The Camden road
to gullible northerners
Who refuse to
Believe they could
So stupid as
Believe dodgy southerners
who tell them
that its still
Xmas when its
really all finished
And evening starts
when the darkness
Arrives at 6pm
but you can
Not say that
unless your name
Is Dee / Dave
who implement flexible
Times to annoy
Their northern partners
But us being
stuck in 1950's
and proud of
their funny accents
which cockeneeees dont
always understand because
They are slightly
Thick about Northern
drossers that continue
to mutilate English
southerners with abuse
To show they
Are superior in
Every manly way
in Neanderthal terms
they haven`t got
a clue about
Speaking the Queens
Cockeneeee slang which
is too sophisticated
For the northerners
Who cant be
bothered to learn
More foreign languages
eh bah gum
Said Jon when
he disappeared in
the Talk of
The town to
scrounge a drink
Or two because
He prefers to
Keep his money
In his purse
Which he left
In his room
with his charger
and teddy bear
that he cuddles
and tries his
luck with the
corny chat up
lines but they
Are so bad
He gives up
And goes to
see Dave who
teaches all he
Knows about the
Suffolk countryside and
How not to
Confuse him with
too much information
Which southerners are
using the benefit
System to pay
for their holidays
In Caleta where
they holiday every
Other week so
the Spanish economy
Benefits from his
oversized bar bill
That Jon Pays
With money from
Dee's large handbag
containing her white
Stilettos and favourite
black rubber dress
That Jon adores
to see hung
On his hotel
bedroom door where
He shows off
his limbo technique
Thus avoiding any
awkward situation that
An angry husband
Might deem to
see unfit so
Give him a
Condom so not
Spoil the sheets
Which will make
run to Bob
To borrow his
house to hide
In the wardrobe
Because the thought
Of a punch
in the mouth
Might spoil his
rugged good looks
And Silver tongue
which he uses
To charm the
Barmaid at the
TOTT whos bored
By the usual
Clientele who frequent
To play darts
And get drunk
On one pint
And expect everyone
To pay for
All his beer
And for Dave's
Earl Grey tea
And afternoon tiffin
With jellied eels
As a treat
because Cockeneees like
The feel of
Slippery things down
on Waikiki Beach
At happy hour
where Jon waits
For Dee to
walk right past
And ignore him
As per usual
As this is
the normal way
For southerners to
Ignorantly behave when
They should be
Giving two fingers
to jellied eels
And saveloys which
slide down easily
With a pint
of methylated spirit
The northerners tipple
is best bitter
From Suffolk brewers
But being weak
ale we sent
For more because
we were driving
His old Skoda
Back to the
Metropolis of Ipswich
where Dee has
Seen him drive
like Mr Magoo
jumping red lights
And causing people
To run for
an anger management
Course in cockeneee
rhyming slang which
Confuses northern folk
As its silly
Lancashire inhabitants cannot
understand why cockeneeeees
Are so intelligent
In their own
And wider community
In outer Essex
where Northerners are
greatly enthusiastic about
Returning back north
To proper ale
And proper grub
And friendly people
And proper speaking
to make it
Hell on earth
For ignorant southerners ;)
Who do not
Like northern bigots
With their strange
Views on southerners
Who have similar
Views about Cockenees
That are far
Too strange to
Be aired on
An intelligent forum
Like this one ::)
;D
Where northerners rule
And southern minnions
Lose at footie
To northern gods
Who beat welsh
Lamb to within
A second of
Their feet being
Licked by Dee
before getting a
Jellied eeled sarnie
Which Jon enjoyed
Smothered in beetroot
with some porridge
which will improve
The digestive tract
And warm his
Most delicate bits
Not exposed to
The freezing cold
Wind thats blowing
Dave's wig off
His Sun burned
Head,which he
Thinks resembles a
nice ripe tomato
Ready to peel
When it dries
And goes wrinkly
Just like something
out of Eastenders
That terrible soap
that depresses all
Who watches because
The Cockenees are
Practically brain dead
And mumble along
In their own
Yorkshire like accents
Which sound like
Chalk on blackboard
Screeching at each
dodgy geezer that
Goes by the
think resembles a
East end barrow
Boy by the
Way he acts
On this forum
Which is totally
Unacceptable to the
delicate northern flowers
That blossom into
Handsome wonderful gentlemen
outfitters and dustmen
From down south
Lowering the tone
Of our classy
Forum that doesnt
Have stupid sayings
Like boat race
And other such
intellectually challenging phrases
That no-one understands
other than educated
Northerners who tolerate
Their southern minnions
Who pretend that
we know everything
As we do
and subsidise their
Pie eating obsession
With jellied eels
Washed down with
Flat headless ale
from Yorkshire breweries
Comes proper beers
for northern softies
Who are still
Believers in fairies
And that cockenees
Are the greatest
Losers of all
Excessive fat that
Is caused by
Black pudding and
Putting up with
Lancy prima donnas
Who never pay
for drinks but
Pretend they do
Whilst they are
Chatting up the
Big Busted Barmaid
With the nice
Pair of eyes
One blue and
and one red
One so she
Can look like
A spurs supporter
Who are renown
for their generosity
Towards friendly gooners
Who return the
Dodgy aluminium gates
for decent ones
That were previously
Used by Woe
before she had
A visit from
Some Russian scrap
Dealer who is
Bob's best mate
And lends him
A hand to
Sort them cockenees
A real bargain
From Tubby Isaacs
Michelin rated jelly
Which surrounds his
big round beetroot
That Dee likes
To put her
Hands on and
Give it a
Nice gentle rub
With lots of
Scented oils to
soften the skin
So that it
can be bent
Into different positions
for extra comfort
When the weather
threatens the wellbeing
And you need
To perk up
Before you can
get out of
Bed and run
to the loo
Like jon does
Every other hour
When its his
Turn to buy
Bob another vodka
But bob being
Drunk decided to
Forgive jon and
Buy him a
Few beers to
Cheer him up
Before telling him
He has to
Welcome H back
from other forums
That dont satisfy
us true drossers
Who like to
have some banter
And a laugh
with Jon who
Likes to think
his chat up
Lines which are
so lame that
Even Dee doesn't
think he's genuine
And talks utter
drivel but enjoys
A good challenge
To escape paying
For yet another
Beer for Bob
with his insatiable
Appetite for vodka
causing a run
At the bar
before he exhausts
The busty barmaid
with his chat
Which isnt up
To Davesstandards
of Essex charm
Which really woos
The old slappers
Down Camden market
where he likes
to practice his
Chas n Dave
greatest hits that
The ladies love
and has them
Swooning in the
back of his
Old rusty Skoda
He borrowed from
His mate at
Romford dog track
Who liked a
quick gander at
The form guide
Incase there was
A cert running
the day after
So that he
could hop on
The train and
pull the cord
To make Bob
gag on his
First class sarnie
Which was very
Old and manky
Becase it had
Been in the
cupboard under the
high viz jacket
which was covered
In a drunkards
last nights dinner
Which stunk like
Jon's old socks
After he'd been
running a marathon
For charitable causes
Because he has
to pay penance
For being a
Big cockenee plonker
Who relocated up
To Suffolk where
Bernard Matthews describes
Everything as beuuutiful
(Bernard Matthews is in Norfolk)
with real ale
Quote from: DaveW on February 04, 2015, 19:32:53 PM
(Bernard Matthews is in Norfolk)
with real ale
Close enough Dave :o
That can not
You wouldn't say that to a local in Ipswich
be bettered because
Bernard like flat
Norfolk rubbish that
Can only be
Yorkshire cat's pee
Which jon likes
To drink by
alcoholic northerners who
Prefer proper ales
That have a
Decent creamy head
And not the
rubbish from Norfolk
that tastes of
Peat and turkeys
that turnip crunchers
Just love to
Sup instead of
Fullers London Pride
Which makes you
Throw up after
25 pints because
Its so weak
You just have
live in Norwich
And be a
Brightspark with things
All about computers
And provides useful
Information on other
Topics such as
Quality radio programmes
Where Spike spins
Like a top
Making charitable promises
And challenging other
People to give
Generously to worthy
Poppy appeals that
Recognise the heroic
Exploits given by
The defenders of
Our freedom and
Deserve the recognition
That Yorkshiremen want
Spike to honour
By dedicating a
Whippet to the
get Jon out
Of Yorkshire and
keep him fit
Chasing rabbits around
the hilly dales
Until he sees
Lights of thirsk
Where he stops
to chat to
Dave who's on
A tour of
The wonderful north
Yorkshire national trust
Which covers most
Places of interest
That anyone would
With any taste
Should enjoy all
The beautiful countryside
Before the tories
Sent Dave to
educate left wing
Miners about the
Benefits of capitalism
Before its too
Late for their
investments to be
Spent in the
Spread betting opportunity
on the greyhounds (ftp://on%20the%20greyhounds)
Where most of
The kennel maids
Are from Bradford
And can't speak
to strange men
Who live in
golf courses and
Don't appreciate the
The finer arts
Is it a red for repeating a the ;D just asking ;D
Of curry eating
It was a dave sssttttttuttttterrrrr thats all ;)
With ya fingers
Fair enough ;D
In the finest
Eaterie in Blackburn
Where bobs guts
Are strewn over
The floor causing
Young Ali to
lose his footing
And spill jons
Tia Maria with
Slice of beetroot
All over Dee
ruining her new
Pair of white
hot pants with
Matching white stilleto,s
with nine inch
Heels so she
was as tall
As jon who
was on stilts
So that he
see the barmaid's
Big round eyes
down to her
Large well rounded
Smooth Silicone enhanced
Double barrelled projectiles
Which he tenderly
caressed with his
Nice soft hands
causing her to
Go get Bob
to extract his
Wallet to pay
for the services
He had received
And leave a
deposit on the
Bedside table for
The professional services
That these young
women always expected
Off Yorkshire stud
for the benefit
Of mankind can
discover from this
Fine male specimen
Whose body should
Photographed for all
To laugh at
Because they saw
His miniscule excuse
When dee posted
Her wobbly picture
Which was offputting
For Bob who
Liked a clear
Head when looking
for his wallet
That jon had
filled with IOU's
That he had
collected over the
Years that his
Honesty made him
have larger debts
Than Bob who
Just did runners
To escape the
Heavies collecting from
Him all his
Co-op divi which
He had saved
For a rainy
Day or until
He retires to
his favourite Essex
Resort of Clacton
To enjoy eating
Slimy jellied eels
Also pie and
Mash with brown
sauce while playing
His favorite Chas
and Dave songs
At full volume
Until he goes
To see the
Pearly Kings and
Queens because he
Needs to see
How real people
dress up in
Stupid clothes to
Amuse simple northern
Irishmen who are
Doing a jig
And playing bagpipes
To the tune
Of a cat
Being strangled by
The throat which
Some people think
is pleasing to
The discerning eye
but deaf ear
Does prevent the
brain being damaged
because they always
act like they
Are the best
comedians and tell
Corny jokes which
some do not
find very funny
But fortunately they've
used to being
made fun of
just like our
banter on dross
which sometimes can
Cause touchy people
to get slapped
And banished to
the top of
the forum where
Baz relentlessly takes
the mickey out
Of people who
try to ask
are there cashpoints
In the local
pole dance club
To pay for
Bobs bar bill
Which is only
5 euros because
Dee buys all
the Tia Maria
And coke that
She can possibly
carry to the
Room so that
they could have
A bit of
a quickie if
Jon could manage
to keep it
Up for more
That a few
Seconds before he
limped out of
The boudoir and
phoned the Samaritans
To help him
buy some viagra
To enhance is
standing around the
Bar where he
was waiting for
Bob to buy
him some durex
and some stiff
little fingers songs
So that Dave
could pogo along
With his wig
firmly stuck down
With uhu to
make sure there
is no sun
To burn his
tender head which
Make it look
Like a beetroot
Causing Dave to
buy a dozen
Red roses for
Jon to give
To dee who
Was very grateful
Has she was
Madly in love
With a certain
good looking Essex
Pensioner who had
wit, charm and
Lots of money
and a large
Eel stuck down
his trousers to
Really impress Dee
and not frighten
Her like northern
Men from Bradford
And from Blackburn
Who don't know
how to treat
Ebola because they
Holiday to Jordan
Where they dont
Shoot many tourists
Because bullets cost
more than vodka
Which helps to
numb the pain
Of listening to
Jon's chat up
Lines that are
cringe worthy and
Not very romantic
Unless you appreciate
Clever Yorkshire humour
And not many
people do,so
Its all wasted
on the old
Women in the
Waikiki Bar that
Was full of
men with long
Dirty macs and
Preston accents drinking
Cheap Russian vodka
and leering at
the dee lookalikes ??? ??? ???
In white stilettos
From the local
Hostlery where jon
Play washboard in
satin budgie smugglers
while singing karaoke
With a certain
drunken look that
charm the pants
Off the barmaid
Who was wishing
That she was
In some other
place with the
Men who prefer
young boys who
Have plenty of
money to buy
Her and Dee
a Baileys and
A vodka for
The time while
They discussed Daves
wonderful knowledge of
Earl grey tea
And the cups
Made of best
China ,so that
He appeared posh
And more refined
Than us ruffians
From ooop north
Who sup proper
Beer and not
Posh tea because
they shop at
Aldi or Lidl
To get the
disgusting black pudding
A true delicacy
for livestock and
All decent people
with gastric bands
Which they sell
as a bogoff
To whining cockenees
To give to
More whining cockeneeeees
grumpy northern tubs
Have more fun
And are more
likely to be
Successful than southerners
at scrounging beers
If only from
Tight Dave who
Has more pennies
Invested in Yorkshire
Black pudding which
replaces mortar in
The highest places
securing ridge tiles
that are loose
Because of the
Wind that blows
From the northerners
Lovely green hills
Full of freshness
like an old
Vintage port resplendent
after recycling through
The finest vats
in the Portuguese
Area of Yorkshire
where the local
Cheeses complimented brilliantly
the 15 year
Old vintage port
which Jon bought
A case of
With his pocket
Money from Lisa
Because she's the
One that wears
The trousers and
jon does has
to get on
to the shopping
and ironing her
clothes for work
before cooking her
a nice surprise
soggy black pudding
With fried beetroot
To make worth
The time she
Had invested in
teaching him manners
And how to
Behave in a
responsible way when
Hes been drinking
Champagne from ladies
Who want him
to strip off
the old wallpaper
And do a
Some odd jobs
Around the bedroom
Where he thinks
His expertise always
Comes to the
Fore because he's
mopping up the
Mess Baldy made
doing his impersonation
Of Arsene Wenger
after swallowing a
Piece of french
letter that had
Been pulled off
At half time
and been washed
In Arsenes shower
Before Wilshere's cigarette
Butt set fire
to the dugout
Causing Arsenes anorak
To smolder at
Pockets where he
Keeps his lip
Balm and his
book of jokes
In his pockets
Which echos with
A reverberating noise
About beating Spurs
In the final
of the X-Factor
which is rubbish
Watched by the
Less discerning viewers
Who like mindless
talentless people perform
Their inane routines
Whilst lounging in
The hospitality suite
Drinking free booze
And making passes
Towards the cameraman
Called Jon from
Guiseley in Yorkshire
Where the locals
Are a strange
People with six
Packs and charm
Bracelets and tattoos
And staffies to
Frighten off southerners
Who don't like
(http://supping%20real%20ale)
Supping real ale
Tasting like soap
To those with
Experience drinking real
Watered down rubbish
From north Yorkshire
Which Dave enjoys
With a cherry
And an umbrella
To keep the
Wealthy image going
To his corperate
poverty and hardship
Mates from darkest
Seven Sisters Road
Wherever that is
The Spurs Arsenal
Area of the
Communal toilets where
Bob blocks the
Pipes with his
Usual enthusiasm when
Sitting on the
Delayed train from
Preston which usually
Gets cancelled due
To the wrong
Type of snow
Blowing the wrong
Way down the
Line making it
Impossible for Jon
To get aboard
Without disabled assisstance
after downing ten
cups of tea
At Dees house
where Bailey bit
Jon on the
Bum making him
Kick him up
The backside and
Bruised his nuts
Making him bark
And number two on
Four words ;D
Dees new carpet
It started out as three but didn't allow cr*p and replaced with 2 words
thick pile shag
To match her
new ra-ra skirt
And best white
Blouse that has
quite a revealing
Plunge neck line
down to her
(think we might get a slapping if she reads this thread)
I enjoy Dees slappings ;D
Knees which is
Butlins nobbly champion
For the tenth
year running because
She bribed the
judges with special
Flashes of her
perfectly tanned assets
Which made them
very excited causing
Them to prematurely
expel their copious
Amounts of cash
down her cleavage
Which Bob grabbed
while copping a
Eyeful of her
Copy of TV
Time magazine which
she got for
Planning her big
brother fan club
Which she was
The special guest
At the opening
champagne reception where
She was able
to chat with
All the dregs
From Essex and
druggies from Lancashire
Who rob posh
People from down
South to feed
all the seagulls
Some fresh popcorn
On Clacton pier
Where the wind
Helped dry out
The old folks
Who wet there
Knickers at 0430 ;)
Which excited Dave
Who in turn
Wet himself to
Join in the
Cockeneeeee ritual of
slap the northerner
On the back
Of his head
To knock some
sense into him
So that he
Would be polite
To the ladies
Showing them some
desirable qualities that
Southerners don't have
To learn as
they are so
Well trained already
Like lap dogs
unlike northern slobs
Who resemble Rottweiler's
Ready to rip
Open their wallets
After mugging unsuspecting
Southerners who couldn't
Read or write
Or get a
thank you from
Ignorant southerners who
Were really northerners
Doing an impression
Badly of the
Proper word pronounciation
Aye tha's reet
and other gobbledegook
That confuses Dave
who speaks the
Perfect queen's English
Understood by all
Well educated people
That only live
In southern England
And rarely venture
Past Watford Gap
As the yokels
Don't appreciate cockeneeeeees
Or bloody snobs
Because they're miserable
And like to
Be stuck in
A nice blond
Haired person from
Deepest dark Essex
Who snuck down
From Camden town
but her hair
Dresser recommended she
Wear a wig
To hide the
Bald patches that
had been made
From the Velcro
on Jons trainers
Bought in Morrisons
with his Match
Bright pink shorts
that he wears
To mince along
The corralejo promenade
Like the advert
For moneysupermarket where
Jon wears shorts
To show off
His generously proportioned
Backside and upper
Black pudding filled
Beer belly which
Reaches his knees
Needs to be
Assisted with a
Fabulous looking woman
To nip and
Get his ale
Whilst he goes
To find Dave
Who is hiding
behind gooner Paul
Just in case
It got windy
endangering his new
Curly blond syrup
Causing it to
Blow off and
land in his
Cup of Earl
Grey tea which
Is an acquired
Taste supped by
The good people
Of southern England
Who prefer witch
And warlocks to
Proper decent folk
Who dont ignore
Good mornings and
Afternoon all,s which
Is just basic
Manners which Northerners
Are proficient in
And would like
Our southern counterparts
To take note
Of their persecution
Which is justly
Dished out due
To their ignorance
On football matters
Like blaming the
handsome dross members
For being thick
but Norfolk members
Sat behind computers
with too much
Time on there
hands,so make
Up polls without
asking dross members
Or including Dee
who qualifies for
The best member
of the dross
Because she is
the heartbeat of
All that is
Special to jon
and his fantasies
Of being a
Little Essex boy
As Dee's neighbour
Where he can
Ogle her lovely
Nice clean undies
On the washing
Line where she
Likes to tease
Him by putting
Anne Summers knickers
Out on Fridays
In touching distance
But just has
A Kleenex moment
His sticky fingers
Trying to grasp
The clasp on
his pearl necklace
So that it
Touches her nice
cheese and onion
Pasties which were
Fresh from her
Hot sticky oven
Which hasn't been
Used for some
Time due to
Not having the
Right type of
Yorkshireman to sort
Out things like
Which knob to
Lubricate before he
Has to insert
All of his
Screwdrivers to make
It easy to
Get better entry
To an irishmans
Wallet which has
Been unopened since
The last payday
Due to them
Being tight as
A chuffing ducks
with short wings
And Yorkshire accent
Which dislikes cockeneees
Even though they
Like to think
the inferior northerners
Are infact superior
In every way
Of bragging when
Their vast knowledge
In absolutely nothing
That cockeneeeeees would
Find noteworthy of
Because they are
So inbred that
Moved from Lancashire
To educate them
In southern values
Which didnt take
Long for northerners
To realise that
Southerners are a
Complete waste of
Time and should
Be sent to
France to deal
with Lancashire deportments
Who try to
be like southerners
Talking with a
Surrey accent and
Making no sense
Of black pudding
A true delicacy
That all Northerners
Appreciate unlike some
People from the
Wrong end of
The hospital queue
Where they had
stomach pumps ready
For the eels
in the pudding
Which shouldn't be
Spoilt by putting
Southern rubbish in
Just great northern
train journeys which
Show people how
Northerners really treat
Ladies with respect
And stand up
For all that
Gentleman stuff that
have crafty gropes
Taught by Dave
from Bradford who
Is cockeneeee Dave's
pen friend who
Is learning Spanish
so he can
Converse with the
locals like Spike
Who he's avoided
to keep his
Sanity intact because
he could upset
A few people
With his cutting
Tongue which as
We all know
he can`t spell
So he gets
a bit touchy
And sulks off
with his mate
The crackpot from
Norwich who is
Always winding up
other members by
Making stupid posts
and upsetting Bob
So much that
he threw his
Hands up in
Dave's overused wallet
From buying half
Size bottles of
Harveys Bristol cream
And Newcastle brown
which tastes like
Nectar from the
large furry cup
Of the gods
That makes geordies
Forget Friday nights
And suffer Saturday
Until x factor
Drives them out
Doon the club
Calling it a day now. Goodnight SBSP
to down more
lager and lime
And promptly throw
It up in
The porcelain godess
Who was trying
Swallow it up
But she couldnt
find the right
Bucket to put
her false teeth
In because she
Jon prefers toothless
Women who can
Teach him to
Gurn just like
Bradford beauty queen
Who would not
Eat swordfish squid
or jellied eels
because she liked
A long slippery
and very satisfying
Slimy thing that
She could play
the sailors hornpipe
By just blowing
up a balloon
And sticking it
down his trousers
To make the
ladies think that
His hernia is
Ready to be
pushed back down
And stapled into
the front of
A no9 bus
which stops outside
The Caleta MacDonald's
Where Bob's eating
His first big
Mcflury with special
Chavetta fries and
a tub of
Greasy fat to
lubricate his mobility
Scooter to take
Him to Caleta
to harass the
Unfortunate young people
owning golf course
Property with fat
cat Yorkshire owners
Upsetting the local
drunkards looking for
The nearest burger
joint to throw
Up his happy
Meal over a
Poor unsuspecting lady
Discarding her wrappers
On the golf
Parked next to
Dave's pad where
The pensioners meet
To discuss how
To ban whingeing
Gringos from there
And send them
To the asylum
In Tamaragua where
Where Bob could
Re-educate them to
unblock their toilets
With their hands
As caletta folk
Will not do
like Tamaragua philistines
Who graft hard
Winding people up
At the top
of the board
With his cutting
Remarks and sarcasm
even upsetting BS
And making him
Put a contract
om the heads
Of us drossers
after the poem
About him was
below the belt
But factually true
being an expert
At all things
On inbreeding as
Hes studied southerners
through three eyes
To get a
cure for his
Bad back which
he inherited from
His friend Peggy
sitting on her
High horse preaching
on something she
Knows absolutely nothing
About but we
Just smile and
Bob offers her
Refuge in his
Favourite MacDonalds restaurant
In downtown Caletta
and the Paradise
That is the
Resort of Corralejo
has just opened
A deluxe promenade
pole dancing club
Is all Chavetta
From Corralejo want
But the chavs
won`t let him
close down TOT
Because jon loves
Looking at his
Bingo card and
winning the top
Line and getting
Fish n chips
With mushy peas
Accompanied by a
Large dollop of
Heinz tomato ketchup
Which is the
Best alternative to
Safeways tartare sauce
Which enhances the
Flavour of the
Horrid mushy peas
Much liked by
our northern friends
With bad taste
But good manners
And great awareness
of womanly needs
Which is what
southerners taught them
If only true
when they want
To learn about
speaking Queen's English
Not cockeneeeee slang
being too complex
For sensible northerners
with low IQs
so thatDave
Can Think hes
A proper northerner
unlike the plastic
One he is
drossing with from
The Emerald isle
Of man where
Dave took his
Bucket and spade
To dig for
Oil so he
can lubricate his
Throat which was
As dry as
A desert in
the mid day
Sun making him
Thirsty and bad
Mouthing nice southern
Fried chicken provided
By the local
Venkys chicken shack
Offering free salmonella
And fried rat
With french fries
For tight southerners
who rarely exist
Beyond Caleta's slums
As civilisation upsets
The fat cats
From tamaragua knocking
Down the caleta
MacDonald's which keeps
Bob's cholesterol levels
High as a
Benefits street inhabitant
From leafy Suffolk
Street in Lancashire
Where roses bloom
Amongst the dark
disused mills that
Are architectural wonders
from the industrial
Revolution that missed
the southern artisans
Playing golf and
exploiting their skills
At drinking gin
and Italian before
Popping off to
the local bistro
For pasta and
a chianti to
Drown his sorrows
after losing his
All his dollars
Betting against who
would win the
Fat cat competition
to be chavettas
Best burger eater
on't golf course
Where the litter
is blowing all
Over the villas
of chavettas fatcats
Which made them
ban northerner litterers
From the local
Tamaragua coach outing
Which went to
The caleta casino
And won nowt
But praise about
their beer bellies
And gambling skills
To fleece fatcats
Of their pensions
like northern bandits
Who show no
Class when they
Go to Caleta
And get drunk
In the ghetto
And act like
There southern counterparts
Would never do
A days work
In the pits
Which would kill
Their manicured hands
With false nails
Chewed to the
Gold sovereign rings
That matches their
Pirate earrings which
they won in
Tubby's easter raffle
Which is popular
With the cockeneeeeees
Who spend a
Penny in the
Toilets of the
Nearest public convienience
Which was gay
And suited them
Down to the
the pink undies
Which Paul admired
Has he had
given up on
Poor old Arsene
after he failed
To win a
Knobbly knees contest
But won a
Chocolate fire guard
which was useless
Like Dee's arm
because it hurts
When she has
to post on
Here to keep
my bestest happy
Because hes fretting
about the contract
On his head
From fat pensioners
that eat McDonalds
Down in Caleta
where the beach
Is man made
For plastic chavs
and less superior
Than Corrie people
Who are the
Real fuerte appreciators
And not just
Caletas fat cats
Playing golf and
Supping Earl Grey
subsidising northerners holidays
To faraway places
ensuring that Bob
Is never at
work for more
Than a couple
days before he
Jets off again
To warmer climes
To escape from
The Lancashire cold
And the silly
People from the
Preston and surrounding
Walton le dale
where he stomps
To the Bobby
for his usual
Beer and vodka
Intake before tackling
The forum problems
And putting them
In there place
With home truths
About what complete
And utter buffoons
and know nothing
About owt but
don`t forget Dee`s
Birthday or else
the full force
Of Dee's tongue
Before breaking the
Forum in anger
As he can't
Stand to be
Let down by
those up top
Who should know
how to make
Things run smoothly
with informative succinct
Advice not the
Back stabbing cutting
Comments that does
Upset the delicate
members from the
North of Scotland
that are called
Complete and total
nutters that like
To wind up
The old folk
From up north
Who are going
to Nicola's rally
Whatever that may
Excite some Scottish
People into thinking
They will be
Independent after the
Election but we
Know mad jocks
will miss being
Ruled by England
when they go
For their independance
As they couldn't
Cook an haggis
or play football
Or really do
Anything requiring talent
Other than playing
with his little
Set of pipes
Making a dreadful
Noise which scares
Dave because he
Is of nervous
Of a bang
As it might
wake him up
From his deep
hole he dug
Whilst swinging his
Golf club at
The thirteenth rough
Which was his
Bogey hole and
He threw tantrums
And his favourite
Teddy which mummy
used to tuck
Down his pyjamas
so it could
Mop up the
spilt Earl Grey
From his sticky
Little fingers which
Which get stuck
On his wallet
Which was padlocked
but the code
He gave to
Jon was wrong
But Bob knew
How to open
His wallet so
he could take
His free coffee
And chocolate cake
Which he dislikes
Because they are
Both horrible things
Which cockeneeees like
So they can
Energise themselves so
They can catch
The last train
To wonderful Yorkshire
With pretty sheep
That are worried
About marauding cockeneeeees
Who might take
Advantage of sheep
With their nice
eky thump caps
eating black puddings
And chasing pigeons
Which are southern
Fried, a delicacy
from deepest Suffolk
And therefore perfect
Place for immigrants
Visiting from Bradford
To have a
picnic and barbeque
Where Dee cooked
chicken breasts and
Birdseye double pounders
but Jon forgot
To pack his
Budgie smugglers so
He borrowed Paul's
mankini patterned with
Luscious red lips
Which made him
Popular with the
Girl from Essex
with short sightedness
And white stick
To defend their
Right to be
topless on the
Train where Bob
Sits and ogles
at those lovely
Full and ripe
and worthy of
A good kneeding :o
To make them
ready for a
Dave who needed
To be shown
How to handle
A younger model
Who scared him
Because he thought
That Dee would
Beat him up
And pinch his
Nice blond syrup
And gold medallion
which he polishes
using his favourite
Cloth which he
recycled from old
Guiseley football shirts
Made of cheap
Nylon material made
In North Korea
No expense spared
In getting the
Stuff for the
inferior quality team
From backwards Yorkshire
where they like
Fondle sheep's bottoms
as their evening
Isnt complete without
a game of
Strip poker and
Dustman's knock which
Is carried out
After the consumption
Of real ale
and tuna sarnies
Which makes him
more flatulent than
Eating Brussel sprouts
With curry sauce
Which is a
Yorkshire delicacy enjoyed
By all visitors
to the Rowntree
Factory in York
where they make
Bob test the
plumbing with his
Daily dumping of
the equivalent of
Ten tons of
Vodka smelling excrement
Which made everyone
Gag so much
That they evicted
Bob so he
Went to Burnley
To annoy the
The six fingered
Brothers and sisters
Who liked to
have a fiddle
With Bob's little
shed that he
Liked to hide
his Playboy magazines
And his Kleenex
mountain required to
Be emptied in
Wearing Ebola kit
What Dave's banging
On about nobody
north of Watford
Could understand unless
using their imagination
To comprehend the
Highly intelligent beings
That they think
Only exist south
Of the country
But we know
They are plonkers
Relocated from Yorkshire
To sort out
The problems with
Dave's tassimo coffee
Machine which has
had too much
Use over the
Bank Holiday weekend
Because Daves golfing
friends enjoy endless
Rubies washed down
with cold Cobras
And gaviscon which
Helps the oldies
Handle the mixture
And prevent them
From feeling ill
And throwing up
On the shagpile
In Jon's lounge
Which has seen
life in the
70's a good
period for his
Gold medallion and
mullet hair cut
Made him think
he was younger
Than he really
Is but it
Didn't fool Bob
when he said
"can you touch"
Or will he
take it for
a long walk
to the nearest
Train station where
the platform buffet
He devoured because
he needed to
Get free grub
Before he set
Off on his
walk to Scotland
To visit the
world famous Kenny
Who stuck up
a good friendship
Stuck up not struck up ;D
With all on
The wonderful forum
when others try
to ask sensible
Questions about the
Brown sauce problem
and the best
Place to get
a decent jellied
Pork pie with
Finest Norfolk mustard
Spread all over
His face after
He buried his
secret stash of
Dee photos in
his secret photo
Album which nobody
Can find in
His back bedroom
Where he also
has night vision
So can see
the goings on
In the next
doors garden where
All kinds of
Nocturnal activities are
Ongoing on a
Witches coven like
Jon has in
the darkest Bradford
Backstreet where he
Recruits New young
Females into his
popular swingers group
Where Dee likes
To entertain young
innocent boys with
Her whip and
Chains and gimp
Mask which some
think an improvement
But not young
Delicate Jon because
He appreciated her
Fishy breath on
The back of
His rather small
But rather cute
Bishop desmond tutu
Which looked rather
fetching in the
Black robe and
Black rubber thong
With a red
ribbon around his
Finest asset which
Is barely used
Apart from the
Occassion when he
Was caught short
after a half
Of lager shandy
And had to
unsurprisingly pop to
The little boys
Room where he
had and accident
And wet his
Little pink skimpy
shorts that shrunk
causing him to
Expose his massive
Backside due to
Being extremely fit
For Lipo suction
To make him
Sleek like Dave
The love god
And super stud
Who waxes his
Iron hard chest
And back, sac
And crack to
Mince around Caleta
kicking sand in
The face of
Gobby northerners who
start to cry
With laughter at
Dave's waxed body
Which resembles a
Dried up prune
but deceptively firm
Little buttocks that
Frighteningly arouse Bob
As he trundles
Along mincing his
Way through the
Train carriages on
His way to
An Irishman's paradise
where they drink
Black poo for
Breakfast with a
Silly shamrock in
The top of
The glass which
Serves no purpose
But keeps simpletons
Amused for hours
Because people who
Don't know how
To think for
Themselves without needing
A frontal lobotomy
To stop him
From becoming a
Complete and utter
Cockenee who thinks
They know everything
But has we
Know they know
Bugger all about
Anything that is
Remotely worth knowing
Even good referees
Favour the northern
Spivs and cheats ;D
Who don't edit
As they haven't
Any idea what
They are up
To due to
Them being a
Lightyears ahead of
Their whippets and
All things honourable
But we recognise
Our failings when
We're feeling hungover
But we still
Know more than
Them northern forum
Geniuses who really
Lead the way
And our southern
Numpties could learn
Some respect towards
Superior northern men
Who after all
Are the backbone
Of sponging off
The southern breadwinners
Who quaff champagne
And eat rich
Food which gives
Them terrible wind
Making them smell
Reet manky like
The cockenees from
North that moved
to avoid work
And hot weather
And fat cats
raiding their dustbins
To find food
At Caleta's MacDonald's
Where certain golfers
Enjoy their big
gesture donating generous
Amounts of money
At the Paradise
Club in the
Early hours where
They can win
a pole dancing
Session with a
Big old bird
From East end
Of Bradford in
Cockeneeees dreams they
love to touch
the hearts of
Their northern pals
who are really
Not into all
bondage and other
Southern tendencies which
Are really rather
Too sophisticated for
People from Suffolk
Street in Blackburn
Where exiled cockeneeeeees
Raise the standards
To gutter level
Which isn't easy
As cockeneees are
The finest folk
Just above the
Standards set by
The dregs of
Bradford where young
Jon lives in
Luxury surrounded by
His family and
Vintage black pudding
Which Paul loves
With jellied Eels
And cockles with
Double cream and
Pie and mash
With flat beer
At five pound
A pint ,some
People would say
They have more
Money than sense
And they dont
Know how to
Sup or even
Speak proper like
Us ooop north
Who are superior
To them in
Every way because
The flat caps
Are made of
Jon's old ferret
Which he keeps
On his top
Shelf with his
Stuffed racing pigeon
Which dave shot
when eating his
Big Mac with
Earl Grey in
His five bedroom
Camper van with
All the mod
Cons such as
A wig stand
And full size
Blow up doll
don`t forget the
The inflatable sheep
That Dave admires
Whilst wearing wellies
To put there
Fand steady his
aim so he
Could enter the
Yorkshire outdoor life
Which is very
Good for your
Life style if
You are fit
To adapt to
This healthy lifestyle
And serious inbreeding
From Blackburn isn't
Helping with the
Management of the
Birth control methods
Causing an increase
Of Burnley supporters
Rampaging all over
Blackpool beach causing
The donkeys to
poo on the
Sand right next
The dog toilets ;D
and candy floss
Falling in the
Sh1.ty brown water
That is full
Of logs and
Old Used condoms
Floating along the
Irish sea across
To the emerald
Isle polluting the
Guinness water which
Determines its colour
and makes it
Taste like sh1.te
Yorkshire bitter with
Some blackcurrent flavour
That electrocuted people
when they tried
To bathe in
it above their
Knobbly knees which
dunes frolicker Jon
Likes to pose
In his pink
Thong because Dee
enjoys a laugh
At Jons expense
As do all
German naturists exhibiting
Their bratwurst and
Rubbing oil into
Their wrinkled bodies
After sunbathing on
Dees dunes where
People gathered round
To see the
Free show of
Aqua aerobics which
Jon's little snorkel
Becomes almost invisible
In the cold
Atlantic after a
Quick dip before
His nightcap tipple
To send him
ready for a
Attempt at the
Limbo under the
Washing line with
great difficulty due
To his large
belly full of
Yorkshire best bitter
and black pudding
Along with curried
cow pie with
Lashing of beetroot
topped with whipped
Cream and sugered
caramel and chocolate
Cake layered with
Essex strawberry jam
Which is high
in goodness and
Fruit which can
Only help his
otherwise unhealthy lifestyle
Which he likes
Because of the
Cheap cost of
Big Macs and
Fries plus ice
Cream which he
Likes to rub
His full belly
In a seductive
Part of Corralejo
Where young ladies
Liked to meet
Tough cockeny studs
that can`t spell
Cockney even when
They are the
True cockeneeeees who
Eat jellied eels
And speak in
(My Kindle changed my spelling but was too tired to argue with it)
the Queen's English
Which is not
We know because
they don't pay
In monkeys in
Bradford or Preston
The chic towns
Where dark satanic
Mills have been
Replaced by opulent
Delights unlike Essex
where the best
People move from
the North to
Laugh at cockeneeeeees
that live in
Superior life style
Than the northerners
Except for Dave
Who resides in
the posh part
Of Hackney where
he parks his
jellied eel stool
Up against the
wrought iron railings
wearing his gold
Chain and sheepskin
coat like Delboy
From deepest Suffolk
Who also drinks
liquidized sprout juice
with a cherry
On a stick
which he thinks
Is a lollipop
due to the
His eyesight being
like that of
A blind bat
That has been
Put in a
barrel of beer
And left to
Pickle like a
Alcholics liver which
Ignore government guidelines
And carry on
Drinking Earl Grey
with lemon slice
On the side
to enhance the
Flavour of the
Bergamot which connoisseurs
Like Dave like
to perk them
Self up to
Be able to
visit the Manchester
supporters in Bradford
And East London
who don't know
Their as*e from
their prawn sandwich
But still want
To be known
As the best
of a bad
Bunch that go
into the toilet
When its their
turn to pay
At the bar
I know someone
Just like this
he kept going
To the loo
in every bar
To avoid dipping
Into Dees frilly
Blouse which flows
Freely over her
voluptuous well toned
And perfectly shaped
thru'pennies that Jon
Sees when sunbathing
And slides closer
For a selfie
To show Bob
his six pack
Of extra strong
tins of lager
And Tia Maria
which Dave prefers
To lick off
Bobs big lollipop
Which they both
take their time
Over because they
love the taste
Of there lollipops
especially the ones
With the brown
Chocolate stuff on
The end of
this very long
wait for Jon
To educate Dave
On cross dressing
And the size
Of pink shorts
Which he wears
When he meets
Bob in the
Tamaragua naturist bar
To meet Dee
to admire her
squeaky flip flops
With expensive gold
Nipple clamps which
you attach to
Jons ears so
he can`t wander
To the toilet
when its his
Princess who wants
Him to buy
A blue beemer
because the old
Girl liked a
Mondeo but preferred
A bit more
style and class
like a Skoda
With a sunroof
And fluffy dice
Hanging from the
well used grab
Handles which are
Essential when Dee
Is demanding Jon
To get down
On all fours
And barks like
Dave would if
His rheumatism let
him have a
Chance of getting
His leg over
The high stile
on Ilkley Moor
When he visits
His first conquest
By the name
Of Margaret Thatcher
Who loved to
give him a
Penny for his
pole dancing tips
Because hes one
mile away from
The eel stall
That Dave frequents
when he can
Afford to buy
a few pounds
of succulent tasty
Sticks of black
liquorice dipped in
Garlic eel juice
And topped with
Some flat beer
That he enjoys
All the time
when in Yorkshire
He misses it
when noisy locals
Remind him of
Corralejo on a
Caleta day outing
riding mobility scooters
And eating a
Big bag of
healthy fresh fruit
Which counts towards
his five a
day washed down
With earl grey
Which Is drunk
Lifting your little
Pinky while reading
A copy of
The financial times
Followed by a
Quaff of champers
and a bowl
crunchy nut cornflakes
With his neighbours
Smoking old rope
Which suspiciously smells
Like Dave's wig
that he bought
Down Camden market
For only a
Lady Godiva and
That was a
A rip off
For such a
Shoddy piece of
Wig making that
Is typical of
Cheap southern rubbish
imported from China
Town in Chelsea
where the Russians
Make a fortune
From daft cockeneeeeeees
That were originally
From Yorkshire but
Got deported back
To Pakistan via
The Dartford tunnel
Around the M25
Where Paul loves
To sit and
admire traffic jams
while texting to
Anyone who will
Pay his toll
Within a day
if not he`ll
Skip the country
and join up
To see the
Arsenal supporters deported
Back to the
wrong side of
The north circular
And end up
In,t Jewish quarter
where the local
People like to
support a better
Team up north
In the championship
That have won
Nothing for years
Than a descent
To support Derby
Like some muppet
who is easily
Swayed by beer
Then bites when
Bob tells it
from his heart
Which he can't
Believe as he
Thinks Derby are
a London team ;D
that never win
Owt to shout
About because they
think they are
The best team
for growing sprouts
Which makes them
Fly down the
Apples and pears
And out the
Front door like
Mo Farah being
Chased by a
Drug tester who
didn't knock loud
Enough so he
Decided to break
Free and head
for the Dartford
Tunnel to meet
Dee at Bluewater
Her favourite place
To shop and
Buy white stilettos
In readiness for
Her meet up
With Jon at
The naturist beach
where Jon observes
the ladies changing
Ready for the
Romp in the
Dunes getting sand
Stuck in the
Most unfortunate of
Places which caused
Some chaffing of
Rather delicate areas
Which could result
Jon explaining away
The reason for
His goodself being
covered in a
Lot of Johnson's
baby lotion which
Dee liked rubbing
into his sore
And rather delicate
excuse for a
Quick massage from
His own princess👸
With plenty of
Money to spend
On aphrodisiacs to
Get Jon in
The mood for
a happy experiemce
A happy what ;D
of spelling mistakes
a happy experience ;D
That's much better ;D
he said after
She had kissed
His throbbing little
Finger which had
Tickling her delightful
Windy dog bails
before they were
Exiled to the
vets waste bin
And tossed on
The sand dunes
to feed the
Fish with some
juicy fresh and
Delicious black pudding
which gives them
The strength to
attack lilos and
Surf boards that
Get too near
For peoples comfort
which causes a
Riot amongst the
OAP,s who think
Chavetta is the
Mecca for northerners
To expose their
Lady boy bodies
To those deranged
People from Preston
Who like to
Count to twelve
And no further
On two hands
because they have
Essex boys to
Constantly laugh at
their white bits
and kick sand
In their faces
Before running scared
Northerners to their
Whippets, ferrets and
Racing pigeons that
Are a delicacy
After twelve pints
Of real ale
weak Yorkshire ale
With creamy heads
For the locals
And flat ale
For the cockeneeees
Who don't appreciate
The finer things
In life preferring
to frack Preston
And ramble on
opposing progress and
Trying to make
A financial opportunity
To become a
laugh a minute
Dot com director
of a website
Dedicated to syrups
of all colours
that double as
A shammy to
Wash your windows
Or polish your
Family silver which
Is usually locked
in the loft
Along with his
Wallet so that
He can scrounge
All his drinks
Off any mug
that falls for
His cockeneeeeeeee charms
Which only work
On other strange
People from cockeneeeland
Who feel reet
And above the
Northerners who think
And know that
They rule supreme
In their dreams
Of invading Suffolk
To plunder daves
Earl Grey jar
and get slapped
By mi princess
Which i like
Because her dominatrix
Is the thing
that makes Jon
All excited and
cant wait for
His sept jollies
To Sun his
Little bits on
The dunes for
Dee to ogle
When she gets
Her kit off
For jons pleasure
Because he admires
Nice essexs girls
In white stilettos
Showing threpennie bits
and other valuable
Assets which she
Will take selfie
Of to show
To fellow drossers
Who will not
Believe what they
Are just witnessing
Except for Paul
Who has detailed
Accounts of what
Happened when Jon
Went to the
The south of
The island to
See all the
Best beaches in
The naturist area
of Jandia where
He and dee
Frolic in the
Clear blue sea
For all to
Watch and learn
How the master
Can make a
Cup of Earl
Grey to refresh
The parts that
Yorkshire tea cant
satisfy due to
It tasting magnificent
Until it's swallowed
And everyone pukes
Everything eaten that
Comes from Yorkshire
Which can endanger
All of mankind
And should be
Appreciated by southerners
Whos only thought
Is healthy diet
And flat ale
Sent down from
Daves local hostelry
Because he insists
On buying a
New syrup for
His Chavetta neighbours
As a substitute
For the one
that blew off
In the high
Wind cutting across
The golf course
And landing in
a greenside bunker
Where the geese
Try to set
Up their home
And feather their
Nest with some
Daves new syrup
hand knitted by
Nice friendly gypsies
from barbed wire
That made him
wince when he
Put it on
When he visited
The caravans parked
In Jon's garden
To see if
He could learn
How to do
A jigsaw without
seeing the box
Lid and it
added to the
Excitement of the
best experience of
His sheltered life
Which he wished
He was a
Lad from Lancashire
Living in Caleta
Neighbouring our Dave
Keeping him in
Check with the
Tamaragua fat cats
Who spend money
Keeping their mates
In red wine
And big Macs
And large fries
To keep him
In peak condition
ready for the
Frollocking in the
Dunes in sept
Wearing only a
Smile so that
His bleached teeth
Sparkled in the
Summer sunshine whilst
Buying Bob's drinks
Because he owes
Him naff all
In his mind
Which does forget
A few selected
Bets he lost
To a cheating
Train guard from
West Yorkshire who
Idolised young bobby
And thought that
The sun shone
out of Ryanairs
Fantastic planes and
extra leg room
To spread out
his large collection
Of dirty mags
that he keeps
In case Dave
wants to look
at some busty
Gypsies selling lucky
heather to him
Along with pegs
While reading his
Palm and telling
He will meet
Tubby Isaacs and
Harry Kane in
The diving pool
Where the ref
walks on water (Harry doesn't dive)
To see the
Floodlights short and
Electrocute young Harry
Needing Daves kiss
his bet goodbye
To another young
chap from Bradford
Who frolicked with
Frisky ladies from
Colchester who appreciated
The finer things
In life like
Flatulant old dog
And washing Machines
That ease her
Gently into the
Favourite day, Monday
And hump day
Which she celebrates
By hanging her
Freshly laundered smalls
Above Jon's photo
Which hangs down
From her fireplace
Along with her
Fishnet stockings which
She wears for
getting Jon's blood
Out of his
wallet he gripped
Tighter than a
Yorkshiremans ar.se in
A sand storm
which only happens
When Bob's around
sponging beer off
Poor gullible Jon
Who always tries
To be generous
And pay for
All Bob's cider
And vodka to
Keep him happy
Which should happen
When bluefox has
Joined the real
World and apologised
for telling Bob
That he was
a sandwich short
Of a picnic
But we know
Bob is grumpy
Like a bear
With a sore
Head after picking
A fight with
A knuckle dragging
Female traveller from
North of Watford
Where they visit
Hemel Hempstead for
A quick frolic
and a game
Of strip poker
which Jon usually
Wins by cheating
By wearing special
Xray goggles that
Can see through
A thermal vest
Which will come
Off when he
Meets with the
Girl of his
dreams in Corralejo
At happy hour
to get her
To part with
her hard earned
Cash and buy
Jon a nice
large beer with
A creamy head
that reminds him
Of his local
Hostelry where Bob
Is still waiting
For a pint
That jon owes
But the tight
Yorkshire barstool wont
Spend owt, even
Though he knows
Bob is skint
after blowing all
Of his brass
On buying Dee
Some white stilettos
And posh handbag
From Aldi where
Bob has an
Loyalty card which
Gets him a
Big discount on
All designer tat
That Jon loves
To wear around
his growing waist
Due to the
black pudding and
Perfect beer he
drinks in copious
Amounts with Bob
Blowing his overtime
On his mates
Bluefox and Tamkid
Who,s intellectual intelligence .
Bypass operations worked
So well that
They talk rubbish
About rubbish which
They consider experts
in dross subjects
Making young Bob
get very angry
And throw his
toys out of
The pram because
no-one would listen
To his ranting
about top politicians
And the cause
Of Blackburn's demise
To the depths
Of the lower
End of the
Conference where they
Lose to Guiseley
Then go into
Liquidation because of
Slump in chicken
Sales due to
Bob's latest diet
Of vodka and
another vodka to
Help him to
drink more cider
Which Dee pays
the keep him
In a good
Mood so he
Opens his wallet
And buy dee
A penny chew
So that she
Couldn't open her
Mouth because we
Wanted peace and
Quiet from her
instead of Essex
Rhyming slang which
is too complicated
For Bob who
Speaks the queens
Arms alcohol induced
Cockeneee rubbish that
Northerners envy because
Southerners are deranged
And so inferior
they can`t tie
There own laces
which were stolen
From safeways by
a Preston tealeaf
With six fingers
Who support Spurs
And drink earl
Tea from China
Cups and saucers
Which where bought
From the local
Branch of Harrods
Where Dave spends
His hard earned
Pension money on
Only the best
Quality produce on
Special offer at
The airport shop
Where he knew
The Rolex watch
Was cheaper than
Ipswich poundland where
They were on
buy one get
Two free because
they are really
Up to Cockeneeeees
to reject fakes
Which are flooding
Down from Yorkshire
Especially from Guiseley
in Jon's shed
Where he has
a cottage industry
To fund his
Drinking habit that
Is sadly getting
out of control
And AA will
be unable to
Find Bob's vodka
Because jon has
Watered it down
Because strong stuff
Makes him argumentative
and droop where
It becomes embarrassing
when his missus
Wants some fun
Other than trekking
On t'moors
So he talks
To himself in
Cockeneeeeee rhyming slang
about Southern drossers
with superior intelligence
To dead frogs
Which come to
Daves attention when
driving through Lancashire
On his scooter
With his syrup
soaked by the
Constant rain which
Makes the locals
Drink strong vodka
To keep warm
Enabling you to
Get your hands
on souvenirs from
Dees washing line
which always include
Her black fishnets
and copious bikinis
That gave Bob
reason to doubt
If Dee was
really a woman
Or Dave in
some womens clothes
Which he likes
especially Jon handdowns
From his mother
and Edna from
His favourite soap
after seducing her
In the Woolpack
After a few
Flat Suffolk pints
And finest chat
Up lines that
Turn them to
Bob for some
Advice on how
To treat a
Young lady who
only has one
Thing on her
washing line so
That it would
not fall apart
When jon falls
Over snoring Bails
who needed a
Number two so
Jon took him
To the greens
and let him
Ruin Daves golf
with large piles
Of doggy manure
which smelled like (did you write manure? )
Old jellied eels
mixed with some
some mushy peas
and black pudding
With Suffolk ale
for real men
In their dreams
The envious northerners
Know the truth
Of their shortcomings
Whereas southerners dont
And strut around
Like drag queens
Imitating the northern
Macho image which
intimidates them because
they proposition them
With jellied eels
that fine delicacy
Enjoyed by the
Unfortunate southern people
Who have no
time for bigoted
Immigrants who flood
Down from Lancashire
To nicer folk
that live in
Rat infested slums
of Burnley and
Blackburn where only
Championship teams exist
On chicken wings
and lard butties
soaked in gravy
With a woodbine (other no tipped cigarettes are available)
hanging from his
Bottom lip so
he reached for
His little pistol
which was filled
With the best
Northern tap water
The best in
Yorkshire to be
Absolutely honest which
Makes Sheba proud
And avoid at
All costs because
She knows that
He is frightened
Of a tongue
That could tickle
and lick the
Tip of the
Cocktail sausage that
Looks like Jons
But bigger because
He's a hunk
Of lard full
Of love and
Real ale looking
For Bob to
see he gets
A round in
Which is highly
Likely has Jon
is telling porkies
About Bob's generosity
Because he knows
He owes Bob
is as tight
as a fiddlers
Think Dave was drunk ;D
Elbow when it
probably too much sun
comes to splashing
The cash on
anything but exotic
Sunhats and syrups
To improve his
Rugged good looks
Which the girls
Swoon over and
then throw up
little pieces of
Diced carrot which
He hasn't eaten
In years but
They still appear
As if by
magic when you
Gop up on
Black pudding and
Mushy peas and
Flat London Pride
because it sat
Just at the
time when Jon
Went to the
The toilet to
To avoid buying
Any one a
Drink because we
appreciate his Yorkshire
Tightness with his
Hard earned brass
which he counts
Every working minute
saving up for
His comrades to
Inflict pain on
The capitalist wasters
who keep him
In the finest
Down trodden abode
In the slums
Of Nuevo Horizonte
driving British Leyland
less than one's image of idealised perfection cars which
Is more than
one can expect
From comrade Bobby
in his Allegro
With its funny
Red dice and
Hammer and sickle
Tattoo on his
Chest which was
done on NHS
Due to the
Hungarian EHIC card
Which he stole
Whilst working at
The channel tunnel
Where jon likes
giving lifts to
The so called
Ladies of the
Essex slums who
Frequent Daves clubhouse
Robbing fat cats
Of their champers
And new scales
That don't grow
So marine boy
Dons his flippers
Swims to Caleta
Harbour to meet
The aquarian owner
And the other
Up market businesses
Mermaids who like
To de scale
The marine boy
Whos new scales
are working well
And keeping him
Waterproof so he
walk on water
And does the
Walk to corralejo
To see jon
Who treats him
With a nice
game of bingo
dominos and other
Juvenile games that
Southerners can understand
Why the northerners
Are sad bores
Not golf bores
Who are above
The 19th green
Buying the ale
for their selves
And there chums
wives when they
Needed a good
sort out from
A union man
That lives in
a dream world
Where tory toffs
Are held in
High esteem by
Their eton cronies
who always buy
Others less fortunate
especially from Preston
And the Yorkshire
run down areas
half a pint
and pork scratchings
That are consumed
Instead of luncheon
Meat which the
Poor people of
the outer reaches
Of rural Suffolk
Can't afford because
The golf fees
are way too
expensive for northern
Men who prefer
More feminine sports
Because real men
from Essex excel
In knitting and
Kicking Yorkshire butts
Which are rather
Childish but southerners
Supremacy will always
Come to the
Fore and they
Frolic naked in
The sand dunes
Where the camels
Lick their butts
Which Dave finds
Quite sensual and
Caused him to
Finally get a
Stirring in his
Trouser dept which
Caused great embarrassment
Has he was
ogled by ladies
Who were blind
drunk at the
Time of the
Alleged incident ,so
He took advantage
Of the camel
And impregnated it
With earl grey
From his small
But well proportioned
Fat cat wallet
With endangered moths
Flying out of
West Yorkshire where
The sand flies
had selfie sticks
To take piccies
Of Daves wallet
Which is full
of Jon's IOUs
Which will never
Be honoured because
Tight and Yorkshire
Go hand in
hand not pocket
Billiards played by
These Yorkshire folk
Who please themselves
with silly games
For their low
Diskwallyfied southern chums
Who are numb
from the waist
Down which is
always a problem
In the bedroom
if you can`t
Get it up
then you`ll need
a good book
To read instead
the carnal delights
Which some people
Practice on a
Old Yorkshire sheep
with nice eyes
And a coat
All fluffy and
filled with sequins
To make it
sparkle at night
To attract the
desperate Yorkshire men
And striking railway
left wing wasters
With no loyalty
or moral compass
Who just think
of their selves
And not the
fare paying commuters
Who pay extortionate
amounts of money
For a dreadful
Maggie privatised services
Destroying all the
Work the unions
Had done to
Help build a
Great nation before
Life wrecker Maggie
And her fat
Cat golfing mates ???
Destroyed all the
Disastrous nationalised industries
Lining tory pockets
And winding up
All the good
British establishments that
Knew how to
waste taxpayers money
On government pensions
and union business
With golf days
Taken as holiday
in sunny Caleta
Where they play
spot the Yorky
Hiding in the
loo avoiding buying
His Lancastrian mate
A lady for
The night whilst
Keeping his Thai
Bride happy at
the mill weaving
His woolly Blackburn
hat made of
Of finest mohair
from Mo Farah's
Hairy under arms
Which is more
A scent that
Reminds Bob of
Smelly southerners who
eat rotten eels
(we never do)
Yes you do
they are disgusting
Except for cockeneees
Cos Dave loves
everything about Essex
Flat beer and
Free supermarket coffee
And disrespectful northerners
who talk a
Load of rubbish
In cockeneees eyes
And whinge about
The superior southerners
Food parcels that
We send them
To distribute back
After eating the
Rancid jellied eels
Which they love
To dip in
Overpriced Flat beer
Sent down from
The Essex slums
Created by northerners
For workshy southerners
and railway workers
From Anglia railways
Abellio or something
That baffles tory
Upstanding fellows who
Quaff champers at
Morrisons open night
Where jonny likes
to browse the
Underwear section that
Contain his favourite
thongs and bras
that don't ride
Too well up
His well padded
Lunch box which
Is actually an
oversize black pudding
Making Jon think
to start dieting
So nobody calls
him lard asre
As Jon is
wearing ear plugs
And is very
happy that he
Weighs more than
Bob and Dee
But has started
To keep fit
By walking whippet
To the club
For his daily
Dose of exercise
And beetroot sarnies
A true delicacy
From backwards Yorkshire
In dingles eyes
Living in Burnley
Or in Ipswich
Next to Essex
Where Dee likes
To sunbathe with
Dave rubbing oil
all over his
barbequed jellied eels
Which he brought
for Jon's delight
And treat dee
to dinner at
Chaveta's finest McDonald's
Where dave goes
every 50 years
To celebrate his
Love of Gareth
and his wonderful
Array of dives
which he frequents
With his mate
and buys plenty
Of cheap booze
from the travelling
Eastender barrow boy
And diamond geezer
Who is found
In maccy d,s
Bob's favourite haunt
Where dave eats
lobster thermador with
Mushy peas and
The finest caviar
That he cant
Get Jon to
Eat without beetroot
and black pudding
True Yorkshire delicacies
That jon loved
To pack for
His holiday to
Inflict on local
Essex chicks who
Rebuf Jon with
a sharp comment
About feminine Cockeneeeees
That are really
Just camp boys
From Preston who
Who support Spurs
As their local
bunch of losers
Just don't cut
The ice with
Eskimoes from Greenland
Where they eat
Raw seal with
Jon's tomato ketchup
And fried beetroot
To ensure that
nobody will steal
Them before they
Are admitted to
The local asylum
For treatment to
understand the complicated
Rituals of cockeneeees
Enormous brain capacity
Sadly all empty
Due to being
Mushy and mouldy
Just like the
Overcooked jellied eels
That are exported
To caleta for
The visiting northerners
To stare in
silence after failing
To understand the
Superior southern intellect
In total stupidity
Of Lancashire folk
Who are superior
at whinging about
Anything and everything
Because they are
As grumpy as
All them cockeneees
bored by northern
Numpties mithering on
About southern softies
Who drink shandy
and drink within
Their own limits
Thats two pints
So that they
Are compas mentus
Until dinner time
at 8pm when
Jon opens his
Pink man bag
And pulls out
His moisturizing cream
And rubs it
deeply into his
Only bestest mate
best developed features
Whilst under the
the influence of
His favourite tipple
that Bob bought
On sunday night
Whilst on strike
Because he wanted
to squeeze the
Next pay rise
To fund his
Trip to Argentina
to meet Ardiles
After retiring from
The local football
Team in north
West where they
Eat meat pies
and race whippets
Wearing flat caps
and smoking Capstan
Waiting for pigeons
Pooing on cockeneees
Whippets with flat caps that could take off ;) ;D
To move north
Because their pensions
Go much further
Being bloated plutocrats
And living in
7 bedroomed houses
Which are the
Norm for rich
Southerners who emigrate
For better life
And not understand
The proper language
Spoken by the
Proper northern people
Who put t'in
In all they
Say and splutter
Which still is
Normal practice for
Cockenees who imitate
With good effect
A strange noise
Created by our
opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body which is ;D
Quote from: Red Russki of the Rovers on September 16, 2015, 09:30:30 AM
opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body which is ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D
Red card Bob too many words ;D ;D ;D ;D
think he typed ars* and the extra words were added by the system
where Bob's brains
Correct Dave you cant type A.r.s.e
Can remember what
was said by
Looking deep into
Jons wallet which
Was full of
IOUs made out
To Red Ruski
the TUC baron
Who has gone
further left than
Jeremy Corbyn the
Citizen Smith lookalike
Admired by the
Blackburn Trotsky association
Temporarily located in
The republic of
Burnley famous for
Meat pies and
Six fingered folk
Who marry sisters
And brothers so
One big inbred
Burnley family can
fill a street
And can confuse
Cockeneeeeees by using
unintelligible northern slang
Thats the proper
Abortion of English
Spoken correctly so
Posh cockeneees can
Be fat cats
Playing golf with
The Caleta chavs
visiting from Corralejo
The best part
of Caleta being
The strip joint
Which is packed
With dirty old
Posh cockeneeeee golfers ;)
Drooling over the
vibrant young bodies
Of male escorts
Shipped in especially
For Cockeneeeee pensioners
With money to
ask about Bob
The union man
Who is known
for going on
About jellied eels
that we never
Eat enough of
According to Tubby
that famous Londoner
From Camden market
Who sells all
(Tut tut Pettycoat Lane Jon)
type of shellfish
Covered in jelly
and strawberry blancmange
Which quite disgusting
Unless you have
A northern pallet
Refined and delicate
After digesting back
The finest foods
From the north
Bradford food bank
Who sent supplies
to Jon's favourite
Pub where both
The northern numpties
Chomp on curried
black pudding and
Proper creamy ale
Without anything jellied
As the northerners
cannot appreciate delicacies
that southern cockeneees
Including her Majesty
who is German
sausage importer for
all the greeks
Who smash plates
For the fun
before sending republicans
To the gallows
And their heads
To Tubby the
Jellied eel man
To mince up
To Suffolk to
Impress the fat
Cat golfers who
Send the jellied
Eels to dee
So she can
move her Pole
into the garage
To entertain Paul
who likes to
Stuff 10 pound
Into Dee's skimpy
Corralejo kiss-me-quick hat
Which jon bought
Out of Bob's
Money he owed
For losing his
Bets which he
Was tricked into
When he was
Drunk at the
TOTT after devouring
The finest champagne
That ten euros
can buy before
Doing a runner
Leaving Dee to
Iron her own
Washing causing her
cases to be
Left at Birmingham
So she had
sunbathe without any
Clothes on causing
the Germans to
Get all frisky
And start fondling
With there little
sun cream covered
Bits which were
Reacting to the
Sight of Dee
blinded them all
when they pulled
Off their own
swim wear to
Show what they
Had to offer
And the girls
Had to laugh
At what Jon
Was eagerly displaying
In the dunes
But it failed
And they just
Stroked it until
It burst into
Flames an burnt
Cockeneee Daves bum
so he rubbed
Sand into his
Jellied eels to
Make his syrup
Stick fast on
because on Ryanair
Will charge him
For extra luggage
and requiring special
Assistance with his
Box of syrups
Of many colours
And varying degrees
Of length to
support his disguises
As a middle
Aged person who
Belies his years
Cos he does
50 press ups
In a day
That starts with
A nice cup
Of Earl Grey
And a croissant
With lurpak butter
which gives him
Strength to undertake
Putting on his
Syrup on his
bald mate Jon
The sex god
In his dreams
He persues his
Beautiful Essex princess
across the dunes
Stumbling head first
Into her pair
Of extremely large
But perfectly formed
sand castles which
She had lovingly
built styled on
Nelson Mandela towers
Where Pauls penthouse
Overlooks the nudist
Beach at Jandia
Where the lovely
Ladies show off
Their well toned
Upper thighs to
Get Dave aroused
Because it was
The first time
For twenty years
that Jon bought
A round in
As per usual
Because he doesn't
Know where the
Others have gone
But the toilets
Are safe for
Bob and Dave
As jons finished
his tenth pint
And just wets
himself when asked
Spurs premiership chances
of relegation this
time are quite
High because Spurs
flatter to decieve
But northern experts
all know that
Yorkshire haven't any
Teams in t'premiership
And know nowt
About real tea
Drinking southern poufters
With China cups
And discerning tastes
For cream puffs
And strong ale
Served very flat
But full bodied
And tasting sour
For northern customers
that look like
Real hunky men
with beer bellies
All paid for
by their wives
to get them
Fattened up for
Playing golf with
The local movers
On their buggies
Who they know
Are lazy bas##ds
From up North
Quite near Watford
where their train
Was cancelled due
To lazy cockeneeees
Not switching on
Their alarm clocks
Because they are
overpaid union representatives
Striking at every
few weeks so
They get time
To spend walking
All over the
Poor downtrodden workers
At the office
behind the photo-copier
Fiddling with the
Sexy secretary who
is up for
A bit of
Slap and tickle
Over the boss's
desk before getting
A nice little
Rise and other
Perks from the
Seedy boss that
Jon trained personally
In his role
Of chief training
Barman in t'golf
Club where fatcat
bar manager enjoys
The occasional romp
With the caddy
From Sweden who
Also doubles up
with lady captain
And entertains the
local vicar to
Sing Daves praises
After he saves
His life by
Kissing him on
A lump on
The inside of
His left testicle
Because he knew
That would please
him so much
making him a
hero to deranged
Northerners and Dee
due to his
Saving of clergymen
from Yorkshire who
Regularly fiddle with
Young boys and
oap,s from Suffolk ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
Upstanding folk championing
For more pension
Funds to be
Paid to needy
clergymen who are
Very grateful that
They haven't been
Romanced by Jon
Only molested by
The Preston stroller
Who comes from
Burnley but wont
Admit to having
six fingers on
His left foot
so his shoes
Left him in
a tricky situation
When trying to
use them to
Cycle across the
Golf course in
Pursuit of reverend
Ardon and his
Bag of syrups
bursting out of
His budgie smugglers
Like spiders legs
Exciting his princess
Who became all
Hot and flustered
and grabbed his
Big bulging wallet
And distributed the
Contents into the
hands of Bob
Who promptly took
the white fivers
Knowing they were
Hooky and took
some real notes
To spend on
new hiking boots
Because Fuertes terrain
is rugged like
his fancy men
Who admire his
Fake Cockeeeneee accent
that he uses
When in the
land of nod
Dreaming of being
Stamford Bridge where
Proper football is
Played by Londons
Premier league bottom
London side who
Have king José
And a dirty
Costa who cheats
When playing poker
With diving Gareth
dealing from bottom
Of the pack
Fooling the other
Tottenham numpties who
Are completly thick
And talk funny
Just like their
Gooner friends from
France and other
Far flung places
Other than England
Where northerners rule
Their weak husbands
Imported from ipswich
Massachusetts to tackle
The Essex girls
At mixed rugby
Where the hooker
Gets hold of
The scrum by
The short and
Dangerous little Yorkie
Terrier called Jon
Who yaps all
Of the time
And cocks his
Leg whenever he
Sees a cockeneeeeee
Who are the
best dog kickers
South of Rosario
Because Chavetta is
Bob's dream location
To quickly leave
his worldly goods
To Chavettas poor
Golf course owners
Leaving his body
To the ladies
at the Paradise
Club to practice
his trouser department
To Massage his
Tender overworked little
Todger which was
Red raw due
The sandpaper that
He kept in
His budgie smugglers
That were padded
To make him
As well hung
As a worm
Flattened by a
a steam roller
Which impressed the
local weight watchers
Who adored his
Svelt like figure
That reminded them
Of Charles Hawtrey
In carry on
Up the Khyber
Where the curry
was always hot
And gave you
The Trotskies as
A good clear
Out like a
Ring of fire
With petrol poured
onto the fire
Making him scream
Like a banshee
So Everyone heard
How much of
A wimp he
Really was and
Not a tough
Old boot that
he pretends to
Be hidden behind
The apron strings
But he really
Is a domestic
Goddess who prefers
Wearing rubber gloves
because he likes
The feel of
The latex on
his gnarled old
hands which he
Blames on the
cold wind blowing
In his Burnley
Home where he
Counts to 14
On his extra
Fingers because he
Is a true
Inbreed who married
Into Them Yorkshire
dales where the
Sheep are scared
Of touring cockeneeees
Who come to
Get fresh air
And mock local
sheep shaggers who
Are not choosey
To what wooly
Beast they pick
and spend their
Time and affection
to build a
Bonding relationship with
intentions to make
The black sheep
talk proper Yorkshire
Which is more
Than jon does
Cos he's skint
in his dreams ::)
Dee wears skimpy
very squeaky flip-flops
And nothing else
Whilst ironing her
Sexy black fishnets
That she wears
With her white
6in stilletoes on
Supping Tia Maria
While Jon's imagination
Is in overdrive
And mansize Kleenex
Were in his
Budgie smugglers ready
For the explosion
When he decided
It was time
To have a
Pint of ruttles
To calm his
nerves before he
went along to
See the finest
bodies from Essex
Parading along the
Pier at Southend
Where Dave sneakily
Flexes his muscular
Buttocks causing the
Walnuts to crack
Before kicking sand
At poor Dee
Who was just
Hanging out her
Selection of tasteful
Peek a boo
Knickers and bras
Which Dave sniffed
When he was
taking libellous action
Against our northern
Superiors the best
Lawyers money can
Buy to make
Their pips squeak
Giving Dave a
Wad to invest
In a new
Villa and set
Of golf clubs
Up in Corralejo
to escape from
The lesser beings
Down in Chavetta
Village called Tamaragua
Where the cider
Is brewed by
The northern Mafia
Who rule with
An iron fist
And clamp down
The pipe work
So Paul can't
Weigh it in
Down Camden market
On dodgy Daves
bent season ticket
Used for watching
Some iffy team
Full of divers
Who learned all
From Welsh Gareth
Who is class
At freestyle diving
And has been
The envy of
Tom Daley for
His youthful looks
And gay charms
That he loves
To parade in
Bantie budgie smugglers
with pink tassels
And padded out
with old copies
Of men only
So that he
Could give Bob
a quick flash
Of Debbie does
Caleta golf club
Which is a
One off because
the selective nature
Of the OAP,s
From Corellejo are
Big union men
Striking over nothing
Just to annoy
the likes of
Our tory boy
Golfer from Chavetta
Who saved a
Priest from going
To an early
Bath with the
Yorkshire poser who
Who paraded around
The Bradford Bull's
New budgie smugglers
And fake tan
To impress the
women at the
local WI branch
With little chipolatas
Wrapped in bacon
Garnished with some
Shriveled up grapes
To look like
Something that Bob
Would serve to
His comrades at
The Kremlin's annual
get together where
Lenins coffin is
Used as a
Coffee table for
lunch time dinner
And games of
Strip poker with
The cockeneeees getting
The upper hand
Due to cheating
And better bodies
Due to steroids
Supplied by Russians
pals of Bob
Who recognised weak
And vulnerable northerners
Who always win
Against soft southerners
Who run to
Their mummies when
We point out
How rough and
Uncouth they are
And that they
to pick fights
and always win
Against other southerners
Who are just
Conning market spivs
who hate northern
Know it all
Perfect gentlemen who
Treat women respectfully
Unlike those cockeneeeees
Who don't unfortunately
Talk in a
grating Lancashire twang
That cannot be
Understood by most
People south of
Barnsley because they
Speak proper English
In their minds
Of the northern
Gentlemen who prefer
Playing bingo and
Supping weak ale
Imported from Maidstone
Where Fremlins used
To be a
Regular visitor to
The gents urinals
Until Dave frightened
Them off when
His syrup fell
In the urinal
Scaring Dee who
Was cleaning the
mess that Bob
Had made when
he missed the
The pot and
couldn`t stop the
Flow so had
To use one
One finger to
Push it back
on target and
Shout for help
from a local
Youth who Jon
Had struck up
An intimate relationship
With whilst hiding
his playboys and
Daves birthday present
a railway timepiece
That was slow
and affected by
Weak southern beer
Brewed specifically for
Pensioners from suffolk
strong, virile folk
When using zimmerframes
To knock over
Innocent people who
Stand in their
Way whilst trying
On new syrups
Which actually fit
like Jon's pink
Spangled budgie smugglers
From Anne Summers
Where he has
an account to
Keep up with
The latest fashion
And sexual gadgets
To enable him
to travel with
the 18 30
As the over
60's say hes
Far too old
For drinking games
that involve dares
Because they might
Involve challenges that
These older people
Find difficult to
Keep up with
The younger ones
Who like to
tease him about
his little problem
Which the doctors
scratch their heads
And send him
to the PDSA
Who looked closely
And found Dees
Spaying kit used
To neuter Jon
The northern stud
but struggled finding
Dee in the
moment of passion
At happy hour
So decided to
Romp in the
Female toilet where
Dave played with
Some old dear
with only one
large bank account
And a false
Set of teeth
To match her
Leg, eye and
Other cosmetic surgery
That makes her
Jon's dream princess
With white stilettoes
and full sized
Buttocks that protrude
From her skimpy
Dress to the
Perverted minds of
Jon and Bob
But mainly jon
who is renowned
For his perversion
On things dee ;)
has in her
designer hand bag
Which matches Daves
Snide man bag
borrowed from Jon
And not returned
Due to the
Liking he had
For it when
It was reduced
From a shoulder
Injury caused by
Throwing a dart
On monday night
not letting go
And falling ar*e
Over tit making
A large dent
In his ego
Which is Massive
Because of his
Liking of all
Yorkshire's junk food
Including black pudding
And weak beer
Along with tripe
And flat courage
that they needed
to get up
And dance to
The funky chicken
Wearing a Blackburn
Premiership winning shirt
From 1872 the
when Bob was
A wee bairn
Dressed in his
Favourite Burnley outfit
That really should
Be burnt and
scattered over Ewood
So the fans
Could see some
Entertainment before the
Rovers get on
the mascot to
Give him a
Wake up nudge
And kick the
Bottle of vodka
Into touch and
swear at the
Fans who are
Suffering another defeat
Which is normal
For pitiful Blackburn
saved by Venkys
The Indian chicken
Experts who saved
The red rooster
For red Bob
To use as
Hand warmer for
Those cold nights
In darkest Lancashire
Were the greatest
Drunkards of all
time stagger from
One pub to
The off license
To buy cheap
Vodka, cider and
packets of crisps
to prepare him
For the long
Wait for Jon
To sober up
And recognise who
He was ringing
And highly offended
The person who
Received the call
From a drunken
Northern numptie who
Cant handle ale
strong Suffolk ale
which isnt really
Suitable for Jon
With his bladder
Causing him to
Frequent the toilets
At regular intervals
And miss buying
On his round
Time after time
So much that
people are noticing
How tight he
Has become since
Moving from Yorkshire
To the wilds
Of darkest Kent
Where the locals
Leave peroni for
for the passing
Spurs fans who
Sometimes go to
Visit northern parts
Drinking strong ale
Shipped from Suffolk
In fake packaging
To fool the
Cockeneees into thinking
they would drink
Proper real ale
With a nice
White creamy head
with 99 flake
Shoved up Daves
Ar*e where the
Sun certainly dont
Shine due to
His large undies
needed to harness
His hernia which
was bigger than
His Chavetta pension
Which dwarfed normal
Persons pension by
Ten fold which
Is why Dave
deserves every penny
He robs from
The ruling government
Of left wing
Polar bear hugging
Commies who think
ineffective wind farms
Should be built
On Ewood Park
As Venkys are
Building a new
Stadium made from
the proceeds of
Bob's season ticket
Which was bought
with dodgy money
Laundered from Bratford
Balti house where
Jon waits on
His take away
Of mushy peas
On black pudding
With garlic chicken
Topped with beetroot
washed down with
Weak Yarkshire ale
Imported from London
Where cockeneeeeee Dave
Visits in occasions
To sup courage
And London Pride
And eat jellied
eels with loads
bread and butter
and garlic sauce
To enhance the
Disgusting taste of
the cheap butter
That was bought
from Bradford Morrisons
Own brand range
Which jon uses
As he can't
Afford lurpak which
southern people buy
For their spuds
And toasted crumpets
After they have
Caviar for lunch
Swilled down with
The finest champagne
From Fortnum delivered
To Dave, s mansion
then he awakes
To find that
his pauper existence
Was really a
Bad dream and
He was still
A rich textile
living in the
Land of Essex
Which is known
to northerners as
The holy land
Of chavs and
superior beings who
Speak the Queens
English and perfect
nonsense that nobody
North of Watford
Could ever understand
Because its gobbledegook
Which completely bamboozles
the simple folk
From the north
who stuff ferrets
Down their trousers
To impress cockeneeees
Who like to
Mince around harrods
As it wriggles
around searching for
Some southern delicacy
that pleases the
Northern folks who
Envy the southern
Way of life
Which really wasnt
Sustainable to them
Honest northern folk
With their perculiar
Happy friendly nature
Unlike grumpy cockeneeeees
Who wouldnt give
A penny to
Fellow desperate cockeneeeeee
wearing Arsenal colours
Waiting for a
Revolting jellied eel
in the face
Of arsene who
Was hoping he
Would of seen
Spurs above them
But knows that
Won't happen in
A million years
but who cares
Apart from Dave
Who really wants
Relegation for Arsenal
Which won't happen
while Jon has
A hole in
best feature that
He talks out
Of regularly so
All get the
Message that northerners
All like to
Ridicule southerners who
Really need to
Stop whinging about
Proper ale and
Our superior football
All pure fantasy
To poor Dave
humouring the plonkers
From north of
Maidstone who were
down from Yorkshire
Trying to educate
Us how to
Eat Yorkshire caviar
is black pudding
God's own food
Unfit for consumption
By normal people
Who value their
Own well being
Would not touch
But stout Northerners
Eat any rubbish
Because they were
A sucker for
Taking pity on
Their fellow northerners
Who put up
With heckling by
Soft southern cockeneeeees ;)
too polite to
Carry out such
boorish northern behaviour
Which causes them
To have inferior
Complexes and moan
About most things
Every hour of
The bleeding day
Giving us a
Bloody migraine listening
To constant whinging
Of northern fairies
Flying in his
Empty Cockeneeeee head
Making him hallucinate
Thinking them nice
And friendly folk
Which we are
always thinking about
Those less fortunate
that can`t afford
Penthouses in Chavetta
or play golf
Every chuffing day
instead of going
To work every
Hour God sent
Always drinking Peroni
For his breakfast
overlooking the sea
With his paper
on his Kindle
If it works
if not he
buys a paper
Which are very
Expensive in Chavetta
The superior resort
Where all the
Top people spend
Time thinking of
Banning northern ruffians
From gay clubs
and getting drunk
On expensive Peroni
in iced glasses
With a packet
Of cheese biscuits
Reduced at safeways
Who are now
Stocking up for
Easter with hot
Cross buns and
Cadbury's creme eggs
At cost price
With a bogoff
On offer so
The skinflint northerners
Hardly pay anything
Cos we're shrewd
And tight as
The typical yorkshireman
With deep pockets
And short arms
But super fit
from shove ha'penny
That is the
Sport undertaken by
Bar stewards in
golf clubs with
Nowt to do
But dross all
Day and sleep
Behind the bar
Dreaming of his
Favourite Essex princess
In her white
Silk and skimpy
Adorning her perfect
Body which Jon
Can only dream
of getting his
Grubby hands on
Her prize assets
Without her noticing
the neighbours watching
Behind twitching curtains
laughing at his
Pink bantie smugglers
stuffed out with
Chicken breasts from
Jons local mozzers
to enhance the
Look for dee
Who was aroused
When Jon provocatively
Wriggled his tush
While serenading her
Hoping that she
Would fall for
His great big
Blue tablet enhanced
For the best
Pork sausage which
Passed its sellby
Date so it
Stunk of fish
Covered in mildew
From Tubbys stall
A gastronomic delight
For Dave and
And gourmet lovers
From Maidstone who
Appreciate the better
Things in life
with a healthy
Circle of friends
With a good
Social life at
The Conservative club
Also the golf
Swingers society where
The membership fees
Are paid by
hardworking members promptly
From monies earned
Honest endeavours and
Blood, sweat and
Large brown envelopes
to transport the
Iffy cash to
the Club Secretary
To buy jellied
Grouse and finest
Earl Grey tea
The gentleman's tea
That golfing people
Have a preference
To things that
of the riff-raff
Think Daves been on the peroni ;D
From seedy Ipswich
in Massachusetts where
Suffolk golfers are
Born to lead
Others up the
Ladder to riches
Earned by deceit
Given by northerners
Who are generous
Even to cockeneees
who are generous
To absolutely nobody
With good manners
Speaking like a
Yorkshire pigeon fancier
Supping a pint
Of old peculiar
In the snug
of the Woolpack
Where classy people
drink pink gin
Whilst nibbling a
Young ladies ear
and softly spoken
Words seem to
hit the spot
And jon was
on a promise
But he,d forgotten
how to do
Tonsil tickling properly
so dave was
There to demonstrate
The art of
The ultimate pleasure
In perverted acts
Using gellied eels
To stick up
Some smelly hole
Which Dave sniffs
With his hooter
To clear his
Nasal passage of
Of the bull
Where four words
We're modified bullsh**
That most cockeneeeeees
Tend to speak
Because they are
As thick as
The Thames barrier
Not understanding proper
Jibberish spoken by
The Spurs manager
And the players
and infantile northerners
Giving Dave nightmares
so he made
Them learn how
To eat jellied
Without throwing up
All over Bob
Who wasnt impressed
with the smell
That was coming
From Jon who
hasn't washed for
At least 8
Months when he
Walked into the
Local wash house
With his bar
Stewards Uniform smelling
Of Dees best
Trainers that have
Been worn for
her holiday in
Skegness and Mablethorpe
knobbly knees contest
Which Dee won
with her perfectly
Formed knobbly knees
And previous winner
Of glamorous granny
From sunny Essex
Where she is
Tottering in white
Stilletos and stockings
which she never
Seen without when
She ventures out
To the bingo
hall in Ipswich
Where Tobby Cobbold
Called the numbers
and Cardinal Wolsey
Blessed her cards
And her dobber
From drying up
So she could
call house on
The massive payout
enabling her to
Meet her bestest
In downtown Corrie
and buy him
A pint of
weak Yorkshire ale
And a nice
Hot dog with
lashings of mustard
To spice up
his love life
Which at present
was non existent
Until they romped
in the hot
Fuerte sand dunes
where everyone was
In admiration of
his white socks
And brown sandals
always worn together
With his mankini
To show off
His wart covered
Chipolata which he
wanted to cover
In melted chocolate
and crushed hazelnuts
For extra flavour
ready for nibbling
At her leisure
In the stone
Bunkers where they
Can get down
And dirty with
A game of
Hide the sausage
Which he was
always played with
His best friends
while their other
Half looks on
In complete admiration
of the style
And technique being
Doggy like with
A touch of
Welsh mountain sheep
With it's woolly
Coat for extra
Warmth when the
Beast is being
Unleashed on poor
unsuspecting people from
The slums of
darkest North Yorkshire
Where Dave visits
if he fancies
Some black pudding
with his fry-up
And Earl Grey
To wash it
All down before
a large Peroni
Got him inebriated
making him travel
To Yorkshire and
Sample proper ale
shipped from Essex
Which tasted like
Pure nectar collected
By old tramps
From their washed
Out hovel in
The Ipswich slums
Housing Yorkshire travellers
To improve conditions
in their caravans
with built-in domino
Pizza delivery boys
to provide special
Pizzas for Daves
latest diet which
Hardens him up
So That he
can sort out
Before it gets
Out of control
like Jon's waistline
Which has expanded
With black pudding
And Pontefract cakes
And real ale
Exported from London
Because cockeneeees dont
Drink that muck
It's too strong
And will addle
Sure your not a northerner Paul. Addle proper Yorkshire word ;D
Poor Daves brain
Aye Jon, worked with loads of northern people and might of just picked up t'odd saying and phrase like ;D
Beyond all recognition
Causing him to
forget about the
money Jon borrowed
From Bob the
Last time he
Went on a
Begging session in
Deepest darkest Lancashire
Area of Preston
Where all sorts
Of inter bred
Families reside in
Walton le dale
Where the famous
Venky fan club
Met every Saturday
And foolishly believe
That Rovers will
Score a goal
before half time
With 11 men
But we all
Know it's fantasy
because they are
Doomed for the
foreseeable future because
They are garbage
Because bob says
So, and he
Is a closet
Mighty Bantam supporter
With Burnley also
Very much admired
Due to his
Wealth of knowledge
On ciders and
Cheap Polish vodka
Which Bob consumes
his weekly allowance
Of a thripp'ny
bit a second
To feed his
insatiable desire to
Stagger into a
Kebab shop on
Friday night after
falling asleep during
A big session
Which is not
Advisable whilst drinking
As Jon would
Out drink anyone
By spiking their
Drinks with some
of Bobs vodka
Which would really
attack their livers
And render them
Incapable of doing
Their husbandly duties
So soft southerners
deputise for them
To sort lass
Out with some
real belting performances
In the kitchen
Cooking and ironing
Disposable bbq from
Homebase which are
useful when you
Need a sausage
And burger cooking
On a hot
Griddle that has
been covered in
Some extra virgin
olive oil from
Dee's larder that
is full of
Black pudding that
will satisfy Jon
Making him ecstatic
causing him to
do pudding dance
All over the
The kitchen floor
annoying young Lisa
Who had washing
On the line
Waiting to dry
Before they could
afford a spin
In their car
Down to maidstone
To use Paul's
Arsenal shirt for
polishing his boots
And all his
Recent medals that
He bought from
E-bar gum bay
;D
For only one
Months pay which
Doesn't amount to
Buy Bob's Blackburn
Rovers meat pie
Which he usually
Washes down with
vodka and tonic
And cheap cider
As he is
Always staggering into
The nearest bar
banging his head
On the barmaid
Who was hoping
For a blow
By blow account
Of his sordid
Italian affair where
The siciliana mafia
Chief's daughter succumbed
To his rugged
spaghetti pulling prowess
Rewarding him with
a horses head
Tied to his
rusty zimmer frame
That Dave uses
Along the prom
To help Bob
Carry his vodka
Back to the
Old peoples home
Where he drank
cold cups of
Earl grey tea
Which did not
enhance the flavour
Of his bootleg
whiskey that he
Bought from a
Lidl in Preston
Which didn't have
any toilets when
He wanted a
Big smelly spurs
Stuck to his
Left rear wheel
driving through Yorkshire
To buy beer
That could rot
A nuns knickers
At 20 feet
because of the
Fine full bodied
concentrated sulphuric acid
Which tough yorkshireman
without taste buds
Drink with ease
Because its cheap
For Bob to
lick sweat off
After grafting all
Day looking after
His liver that
Is preserved with
peanut butter and
Best black pudding
and other junk
That upset Cockeneeeees
Finely balanced constitutions
That only likes
Flat ale and
finest jellied eels
on buttered crumpets
With some marmite
To give them
an extra kick
Bejcause their lives
are empty without
someone kicking off
And making an
inappropriate comment about
Soft southern cockeneeees
After smacking northern
Monkies back sides
They have to
cry to mummy
About Harry's diving
Copying his mate
Who deserted them
to share his
Skills in Spain
with the local
leather thong maker
Who liked to
Play with his
Misstress who was
the thong model
For thong man
Who romped in
The sand dunes
With Essex ladies
With a tendency
To show off
Their best bits
covered in oil
Applied by Jon
With his wandering
Hands that kept
getting covered in
Dees lovely little
dog's fur when
She shows him
to excite his
Little chipolata into
a large saveloy
Making her very
hungry to devour
Every bit of
the ketchup covered
On the end
before biting off
A bit of
his prize carrot
Seeing her through
the thick black
Pudding which she
vomited after one
Mouthful making her
Reach for her
Black fishnets to
catch all the
Eels for Dave
to eat with
His greasy fingers
Covered in the
Old chip fat
And the finest
Yorkshire black pudding
from Jons old
Butcher who gave
Him a discount
if he purchased
a year's supply
With other products
To enhance his
worsening eyesight, due
Watching Bradford City
Lose to Leeds
By ten goals
All of which
We're down to
A dodgy ref
who thought that
Leeds needed help
so Dee and
Dave were the
interpreters cutting through
the cockeneeeeeeee slang
So that the
Numpty Yorkshiremen can
know his 'aris
:(from his opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body
which by now
Dee had spanked
Red raw and
It was enjoyable
To the point
that he splashed
Cold water all
over his frisky
And sweaty torso
Thus dampening his
silver reflective sunmat
Which enabled him
To perform miracles
with his underdeveloped
Chipolata which was
doused in goose
Fat for lubrication
Before he put
It in the
Box and let
Caution go to
The wind and
Hope that he
wouldn't be caught
by the rossers
In his flasher
pose, which allows
The fresh air
To chill his
ardour which usually
Meant total disaster
and great disappointment
To the young
Schoolgirls he was
teaching to limbo-dance
On Ilkley Moor
behind the big
old coal mine
In West Yorkshite
the centre of
Whippet racing country
where flat caps
Are worn by
The women as
It turns yorkshiremen
into big cissies
Attracting cockeneeeeee poofters
to ridicule them
And touch them
With a large
Cooked jellied eel
nicely refrigerated so
That it didnt
Flop about on
Pauls nice new
Syrup that was
Made from recycled
Ferret hair from
Jons ferret cages
That he keeps
Down in Maidstone
but only visits
Every leap year
Due to the
tight visa restrictions
And rail strikes
and local vandalisation
And sick guards
to the toilets
With a sore
Pair of undersize
Sprouts after a
very hard kick
In his delicate
Area which was
Very sore because
the device found ;D
By Dave had
Noticed outside the
Villa where he
Passes on the
Way for brekkie
on the front
At the beach
Cafe for gentry
And retired cockeenneeees
Enjoying their twilight
Years in the
wonderful Caleta area
Known as Beirut
To sophisticated northerners
With drunken tendencies
But well respected
by German vistors
Who appreciate the
Yobbish behaviour of
Chaveta's visiting tourists
with Yorkshire origins
Living in Ipswich
Massachusetts in USA
which is better
Preston and surrounding
Little villages filled
Bob look alikes
Who are strong
union men with
Very high morals
for a northerner
With superior intelligence
of a meercat
Selling superb insurance
At greatly inflated
Prices to cockeneeees
who are tight
As Yorkshire folk
Will tell you
about keeping whippets
And making money
picking pockets of
Dozy southern people
after being coshed
By Bob who
was angry after
He had to
watch Blackburn lose
yet again and
drop towards the
Vanarama league northern
Division with Guisley
Beating them easily
to Jon's delight
Who are the
Worse yorkshire team
Apart from Leeds
who Jon admires
And slavers over
Like black pudding
A true delicacy
if you are
A refined gentleman
From Bratford area
Drinking lager with
Umbrella and straw
To impress the
visiting London girls
Who were not
Fooled by his
Incomprehensible northern twang
But still sucked
on their teeth
To savour the
the black pudding
Flavoured crisps that
Were popular with
drunken Bradford folk
Who had a
serious drink problem
Whereby he could
not find his
Way back from
Chavetta to Corrie
To fellow drunks
Who appreciate quality
Beer and food
And loutish behaviour
that is often
Associated with Jon
And fellow Yorkshiremen
behaving badly abroad
In Chavetta with
Dave and a
Well behaving group
Of recovering alcoholics
In their sixties
Drinking earl Grey
and buttered scones
Down at the
Beach cafe on
Chaveta's premier slum
That has been
Marked for demolition
for the new
Up and coming
Greatly improved facilities
Which are far
Better than Strangeways
Could ever provide
But we know
Dave has a
Massive drink problem
concerning all things
He wears on
His head to
protect himself from
Low flying peroni
Bottles thrown by
passing folk from
The beach cafe
Where Dave enjoys
A fine cigar
That has stunted
His growth so
he wears high
White stilettos to
Mince around the
busy pool area
To pose for
home in the
Slums of ipswich
Where future chavettes
Insult northern lowlife
On a daily
Basis because they
Are thick skinned
especially the head
Barman at the
Beach cafe who
banned Jon for
Being too hunky
And a lout
He definitely isnt
the full ticket
Compared with the
inbred Lancashire people
That frequent this
Forum moaning about
Superior southern forumers
with great personalities
Generous and forgiving
Pillars of society
With large heads
Full with brains
That are never
allowed to rest
Doing constant crosswords
And having intellectual
Debates with chipmunks
from darkest Bradford
Holed up in
the karaoke bar
Singing romantic songs
To his princess
Who swooned with
delight we he
Sang her favourite
My ding-a-ling which
Got her going
to the toilet
To throw up
Her tia marias
All over the
looky looky man
Who was looking
For Dave who
Needed a new
Syrup after he
donated his previous
One to the
Train guards benevolent
society and travellers
From Essex poorhouses
Where cockeneeees finish
Writing begging letters
to give to
The Preston barons
Who generously give
Chuff all to
Poor yorkshire folk
And their whippets
Who struggle to
even raise a
Smile when Dortmund
fluke a lucky
Three goals past
The sleeping keeper
and disturb his
Siesta time in
A drunken stupor
Accompanied by Harry
Seacombe signing his
Extra large boxers
Before experiencing the
Excitement of a
meeting a London
Chav in Chavetta
Related to Jon
The Yorkshire stud
In his dreams
He believes he's
The one for
An honorary cockneyship
If he eats
Tubbie's jellied eels
And wears a
Spurs scarf to
Cover his modesty
Before going to
Confession at the
Alcoholics anonymous meeting
Where he meets
Brightfart and Woe
Who send him
an English breakfast
To devour with
help from Sweatycheeks
Who prefers a
Date with Baz
At burger king
For a large
Triple cheeseburger with
Two fried eggs
Washed down with
a big glass
of sugar laden
Taxable fizzy coke
Supplied by Woe
Who preferred a
Fight with Baz
To having to
listen to nonsense
spouting from his
Mouth about the
price of flights
From Birmingham airport
where you get
Dumped if you
fly with Ryanair
And don't abide
By there rules
when its foggy
Mi Princess gets
Scared that she
Might never see
her white stilettos
Again when she
leaves her bag
In the bingo
Hall in darkest
mood after losing
Her lucky pen
Which was stolen
By Bob who
Wrote his time
sheet and the
Expenses sheet which
Was overly excessive
like his vodka
Drinking which caused
a world shortage
In Russia where
Bob liked to
meet his comrades
And discuss industrial
Action tactics to
Disrupt people's lives
Which ruins their
Pimms party in
The leafy suburbs
Of London Town
Where the toffs
take train rides
Down to maidstone
To take in
ramblers from Yorkshire
To see the
local hop pickers
Making flat ale
That Yorkies adore
To throw away
the wrappers from
Daves old packets
Of viagra which
He uses on
his golf weeekends
To perk up
his follow through
Making soiled undies
and happy ladies
From Thailand who
For five dollars
Washed his syrup
In Yorkshire ale
The finest liquid
Recycled through virgins
Who symbolised purity
And brewers droop
To soft cockeneeees
With generous dispositions
Towards fellow gooners
With unknown fathers
Who did a
bunk when they
Had to pay
for their misdeeds
And watch spurs
Lose the plot
Towards the end
Of the season
And give the
other teams easy
Goals so that
They blow another
lot of debris
from Jon's car
Into the carpark
At Lidl in
Leeds near to
his favourite curry
House where he
runs the bar
On the side
When the golfclub
Is quiet because
its always empty
When it's drossing
time on the
annoyance of waiting
Upper class clientele
Gagging for a
Peroni or two
to wash down
The inedible food
Imported from Camden
For the Cockeneeeees
To sell back
To grateful northerners
Living in Ipswich
Where flat beer
Imported from Yorkshire
For stupid southerners
to throw away
as undrinkable and
Sup eel juice
n preference to
a mojito that
Jon's teeth fell
Out and whippet
Buried them in
The ferrets hole
Up jons trousers
Where his python
resembles a worm
That has been
Anorexic for ages
Until it met
Sainsbury's bacon slicer
And was promptly
sliced and barbecued
And given to
Jon's ferret who
was very hungry
after a disappointing
Bowl of eels
Soaked in tabasco
Sauce with a
Plate of cockles
was left on
Jon's shopping list
Along with the
Black pudding for
His large breakfast
and elasticated trousers
To accommodate his
Ever expanding waistline
Which wobbled when
He removed his
Corset that Dee
Had lent him
In return for
some Emmerdale gifts
borrowed from the
Village hall where
The annual party
Was in full
Swing to celebrate
that Dee had
Come to visit
Loverboy in yorkshire
and educate him
How to do
Seduce a cockeneeeee
like a cockney
Would be fooled
Into wearing syrups
but she had
Him in her
new white stilettos
And short skirt
Which was causing
Jon's blood pressure
To shoot through
when Guiseley lose
Which happens on
most match days
because they are
Modelled on Blackburn
Whose relegation battle
will go to
The last game
or until venkys
spend some of
Their chicken feed
on new players
To run round
like headless chickens
driving expensive motors
that are on
cheap leases from
dodgy hire companies
with flashy sounding
names to draw
top quality WAGS
To the north
To milk them
Rich football players
Of all their
wealth by flirting
With young girls
From the Midlands
Who think that
money is everything
when they should
Be playing better
like London teams
Arsenal, West Ham
Who are boring
The pants off
The paying customers
In the clubhouse
flashing their tattoos
At the young
mascot dressed as
A spurs cockeral
Who was clucking
Before the big
Game against the
Bantams which was
Another spurs defeat
To poor opposition
With only 9
Men in opposition
And get stuffed
with jellied eels
At half time
giving them squitters
Making them dump
All over the
Spurs pitch that
Was used to
host Zumba classes
Where Dave enjoyed
His liasion with
The village bike
down from Bradford
To earn some
Easy money with
The hop pickers
from Romania and
The posh Cockeneeeees
who don't tolerate
Cr•p from northerners
Who dismiss Cockeneeeees
when they should
applaud their genious
And likeable personalities
and outstanding looks
Compared to pigs ;)
That roam northern
wet hilly parts
of depressingly boring
west yorkshite where
The sun never
Shines and locals
Get drunk on
White spirits and
Flat Yorkshire ale
at the Woolpack
with uncomfortable chairs
And lunatic Dingles
who speak highly
Of their family
The best in
Eshot the village
Dee visited and
spent a vast
Amount of money
to the delight
Of Diane who
Had visited the
The loo before
Going to the
marathon karaoke event
Hosted by Jon
In a drunken
rendition of his
Favourite song which
Is on Ilkley
Moor bar tat
Where the rain
Lashes down on
Every day ending
Up flooding the
Woolpack and the
Black pudding shop
where Jon liked
To devour the
stomach churning mixture
Made for proper
masochists who often
Support Guiseley who
Have no taste
Buds left because
they eat too
Much black pudding
with madras sauce
with lukewarm beer
Served in buckets
To cool your
Amorous desires towards
The cockeneee siren
Who Jon propositions
On a regular
Basis as he
Seems to be
always up for
A bit of
Pigeon racing on
a Sunday morning
followed by a
Pint of flat
London courage beer
That didn't travel
Past mile end
being too strong
and no available
Free bus pass
to allow him
To meet his
Essex white stiletto ::)
;D
In the dunes :-*
amongst the nudists
Showing off little
back flips and
Somersaults for the
growing crowd that
Had gathered to
admire his big
Todger that he
Bought from the
Chinese supermarket that
Also sell chains
And whips for
Tamaragua swingers club
Who regularly meet
Round at Daves
for cucumber sarnies
And Earl Grey
in bone china
Mugs from the
Local curry house
Which serves the
Finest Suffolk gentry
And their staff
To gur wrecking
The bone china
into a thousand
Little bits that
Jon had to
Stick together again
Before he could
Sup his brew
it started to
rain and he
dived in the
Nearest bar that
Had a happy
Hour for cheap
mojitos and plenty
Of Tia Maria
with her cornflakes
Just to keep
her blood alcohol
Levels as high
As possible to
Enable her to
limbo under the
Doors to Dunas
Caleta where builders
Are sat eating
Their tapas instead
Of finishing Dee's
Penthouse where she
Wanted to holiday
but looks like
It's a tent
In bob's garden
Where she can
Sleep and sunbath
but no pool
To cool Dee
in passionate moments
When she likes
To scream yeeeeessss
When offered more
Tia Maria with
A cocktail cherry
And a sparkler
To remind her
That she needed
to help Jon
choose better shirts
With out pictures
Or flowers on
The front and
Whippet on back
And love cockneys
Who eat eels
Until they're sick
for more delicious
Like black pudding
To soak up
all the ale
That he spilled
when shaking his
Fist at the
Yobos from Lancashire
Who cause trouble
In macdonalds and
Burger King in
Chavetta where cockenees
Rule the roost
with their home-grown
sense of humour
About Newcastle thrashing
The third placed
Heroes mugged by
Their own players
And preserving Arsene
Wenger's Job for
two more weeks
until Bradford City
Give him a
Real challenge by
Building a team
That can beat
A visually impaired
manager that gets
the hump when
He can't see
His players foul
The referee and
Take a dive
like Vardy and
Costa, the cheating
Fellows who should
Be banned for
Life and banished
To Spurs first
Team under gareth
and win everything
On table football
And arm wrestling
Where one requires
Big strong girls
To help out
Harry Kane and
His penalty taking
By firing wide
And high into
The Manchester night
rain to Jose
Who was meeting
With the rats
That run the
Good ship lollypop
while poor Louis
Has been given
his marching orders
and £4m to
Disappear over to
Make arsenal exciting
And finish higher
Than Crystal Palace
As well as
Just avoiding relegation
And not qualifying
For Europa league
On a Thursday
Night in Russia
With no mark
to help them
Find out why
They are always
Higher than Spurs
Who bottle it
Until next season
When they completely
Lose the plot
Getting hammered by
Dirty cheating red
Squirrels who beat
up other Squirrels
and ugly hedgehogs
That insult Harry
Kane for being
Like their covering
In his mask
that looks like
Jon after a
Day in the
Sun without any
Ale to cool
His rampant desires
Towards Dee, the
Essex accent charming
His pants off
To reveal a
Tattoo of a
Leeds utd badge
which he got
In a drunken
Session in burnley
With Bob who
has twelve fingers
Making it easier
To get brass
Out of jon's
Trouser pocket where
A mouse trap
Has captured Bob's
Wallet containing new
Free rail tickets
In first class
Whilst the paying
For platform tickets
is now defunct
Like the railways
That are run
costing the travellers
An absolute fortune
especially southern folk
who are minted
subsidising other areas
Of the country
In pre war
Terraced Nissan huts
And rolling stock
Cubes down the
The platform for
The passengers to
collect for the
self service drinks
Using recycled water
That is collected
And labelled up
As John Smith's
Finest Yorkshire brew
Brewed in Suffolk
By little people
who enjoy winding
Up their northern
Superiors who laugh
Delude their selves
About southern softies
Being too tough
On their poodles
After their walkies
where they forgot
the plastic bag
Full of biscuits
For balls to
drop nicely into
his cup of
Hot milk that
Dee lovingly prepares
Before adding some
Bob Martin tablets
To de-worm him
Before he farts
And blows all
the candles out
On his birthday
setting light to
His beloved bar
and covers it
In a sticky
brown chocolate like
Gel that is
Available from all
Major pharmaceutical outlets
and the internet
From dodgy sites
Located in India
Where he buys
slimming and other
Pills to assist
With the softness
Of his old
wrinkled little friend
Which was redundant
Due to tory
Generosity to northern
men when they
need gastric bands
So not to
Achieve ever expanding
Corporations that hide
Tory slush funds
Destined for Northern
fat cats who
Travel the world
in First Class
Carriages with the
Cockenees serving them
Humble pie as
They apologised for
Inviting them to
The southern slums
Which are palaces
Compared to the
Northern mud huts
And cardboard boxes
Next to their
Hugo Boss wallets
Full of fifty
Pence pieces and
A photo of
Lowry's matchstick men
Which was worth
A small fortune
when it was
Bought from the
johns back bedroom
Art studio which
Is loaded with
Finest Yorkshire ale
To drink with
Disgusting black pudding
And pontefract cakes
Which is why
He is regular
for stomach pumping
At the local
Polish plumbing workshop
which was owned
By bodgeit and
Scarpowski who were
Friends of Bob
The red ruski
Who voted out
the latest government
Of cockeney spivs
who support Corbyn
And trust the
Country into chaos
But not as
bad as Blair
Or even Maggie
Who saved Britain
From the unions
Whilst snogging Reagan
And handbaging Europe
Who should have
ducked and flown
The pigeon coop
Back to Ipswich
Where Dave looks
For hand outs
For up north
Forumers that need
A special treat
Away from the
Harry Ramsden fish
And chippy in
The Preston high
Street that also
has a MacDonalds
Which is frequented
By local chavs
From the north
West of Suffolk
over from Tamaragua
And other far
off tax havens
like Ipswich and
The arsenal slums
Housing Yorkshire families
Who's cardboard boxes
Were repossessed by
Loathsome Cockeneeeee landlords
Fed up with
talk of Brexit
and smelly ferrets
Bred in Suffolk
with high demand
By northern folk
With healthy appetites
For proper beer
Only found down
in the cellar
At my bar
next to the
curried black pudding
and beetroot sandwiches
Which are a
delicacy appreciated by
Northerners with no
style or finesse
which all southerners
in their dreams
wish they could
But alas they
Will always be
Far superior than
Black pudding eating
Racing pigeon fanciers
which their whippets
Sleep next to
Sad old mackems
Who can only
reminisce about the
The Bob Stokoe
Team that brought
The cup to
Roker Park when
The rest of
The first division
praised how good
their meat pies
Tasted when compared
To Tubbie's eels
Which slipped down
Daves throat like
a snake up
His trouser leg
reaching the darkest
depths of north
Circular Road near
Tottenham court road
Where Dave dived
Like Jurgen Klingsman
Into the bunker
Into Shaftesbury Avenue
where a pregnant
Was waiting to
Have a paternity
Order sent to
Deepest Suffolk where
vasectomy operation failures
Are common place
And inbreeding is
Unheard of unlike
Up north where
It is mandatory
And no permission
is necessary when
Dating your own
Sister from Suffolk
Hospital where they
Sent them down
towards the lower
Level where Bob
And the trainspotters
in their anoraks
Congregate to swap
Their exciting experiences
Of times gone
By when steam
Was the normal
And suffolk interbreeding
With horses and
People you get
normal Lancashire folk
Are very rare
due to the
Build up of
Gases from fracking
In the Fylde
Area where the
ground shakes when
Bob loses his
Ten pence piece
Which he'd saved
To buy Jon
Half a shandy
His favourite tipple
And a packet
of pork scratchings
Eaten very slowly
protecting his fillings
So not to
spoil the gold
Filling in all
His false teeth
he got from
The boot fair
of Steptoe memorabilia
Where all the
Northern forumers congregate
To heckle southerners
Superior abilities that
Are truly outstanding
and the envy
Of all northerners
Who struggle to
Do the simplest
Jellying of eels
using ferret's tails
And pigeon toes
Mixed into black
Pudding that is
A true delicacy
In North yarkshire
Where gentlemen reside
Love the Yarkshire Paul ;D
with flat caps
and women rule
The kitchen appliances
administration and standards
Is women's work
Directing their men
To his work
and ironing his
Budgie smugglers that
are pretty empty
Like cockeneeees heads
Towards Bow Locks
(http://i.imgur.com/Udqfgqr.jpg)
Where the best
People are born
And are respected
By Tubby Isaacs
discerning clientele who
Enjoy a nice
Theatre followed by
Cavia and bolinger
in the Savoy
Cabbage club where
Brilliant Jon ;D ;D
Jon serves behind
A fat bouncer
Looking after Dave
From northern bullies
Sent down to
Get brain transplants
but only if
Theirs can be
donated to apes
Which is harsh
even by their
Very low standards
And bad habits
That southerners have
Kicked long ago
Before our friends
up north adopted
Whippets as their
Best friends and
Confidence that they
Could beat Dave
senseless for his
Beer bike shares
and Macdonalds discount
Card which he
got from Bob
The generous northerner
Who is always
Holidaying or striking
To get out
Of this country
before Blackburn are
Relegated to the
Vanarama league where
Guisley are bottom
And looking doomed
but Jon always
Looks on the
Bright side because
Of his trusting
Generous Yorkshire upbringing
Or blind stupidity
As demonstrated by
Blackburn fans who
can`t be bothered
To eat chicken
Breasts unless they
Get health conscious
Which is highly
Unlikely as beer
Takes precedence over
Food when you
Enjoy a tipple
In a preston
Pub which serves
Waifs and strays
with the finest
Chicken soup that
has croutons and
belly button fluff
Which soaked up
The beef dripping
To enable Bob
increase his daily
Allowance of vodka
Which was a
gallon per day
Which left Bob
talking in Cockney
Lingo me old
China, give us
A skydiver to
Go down uncles
Apples and pears
with some Tom
Dick and Harry
Having a Vera
Lynn and a
Gold watch followed
By a quick
ruby down the
Frog and toad
When his plates
Of meat are
Very Tom Petty
because his Daisies
Are cream crackered
after too much
Hang glider was
out of wind
Because the trouble
with these things
Confuses Lancashire lads
into thinking cockeneeeees
Superior intellectual skills
are in play
when really they
like them to
Be in a
Pub buying a
round of drinks
for his pals
From oop north
Wearing their caps
back to front
and Union Jack
boxers on the
Chaveta promenade arouse
the Yorkshire slappers
Into a state
that they remove
Their wigs and
Give to cockeneeees
Holidaying in Chavetta
Who have no
Class thats why
Northerners envy them
because Corralejo is
For classy people
on beer bikes
Seeing cultural sights
like German nudists
And toe man
Jon licking a
Nice young ladies
Lollipop that was
Dripping on her
Large sun drenched
Tantalising well developed
And very pert
Brests protruding from
her skin tight
Black sequinned bikinl ;)
That barely covered
Her outstanding points
which Jon closely
Inspected with his
Tongue hanging out
Whilst struggling to
hide his excitement
As would cause
His smugglers to
Bulge and embarrass
The nuns who
were playing with
The beer bike
With Bob peddling
To the nearest
Picket line where
The old dinosaurs
Still run the
the union because
They need bringing
Some more beer
And vodka to
stop them bringing
The railways to
the 1800s when
They can stay
For toilet break
In the outside
Loo at Daves
Mansion in Tottenham
With major leaks
In charge of
making sure that
Northerners are excluded
from the elite
Posers paradise palace
Where women are
treated like royalty
And don't have
to ask for
More jellied eels
As the northern
Food is rubbish
For soft southerners
Who respect their
Cast iron stomachs
with chicken phaal
Supplied by Venkys
from their London
Brick Lane restaurant
Named east end
favourite for visiting
Chicken farmers who
travel down from
The wild north
West of Suffolk
In darkest lancashire
Where organic chickens
Parade as Blackburn
Mascots the highlight
of Bob's day
As he sups
Cheap vodka with
his mate Paddy
In the Bobby
Where all the
Burnley supporters discuss
Six fingered gloves
For Christmas presents
To all the
Blackburn Rovers supporters
with family ties
To the chickens
in their gardens
Playing better football
Than Guisley where
Yorkshire elite gather
To witness headless
Chickens from Blackburn
in conversation with
Uncouth cockeneeees who
Don't understand a
Thing about politics
Or losing football
Matches like Guisley
Or Blackburn Rovers
From the lower
Tougher leagues unlike
the championship where
Blackburn will be
Chicken feed in
The Johnson Paint
Trophy which they
Redecorated their old
Train station to
Look good for
comrade Corbyn's visit
who rallys the
Workers against the
diligent hard working
Management that does
dodgy dealings with
Sam Allardyce along
With Daves mate
Harry the spiv
Conning poor pensioners
Out of their
Jellied eels which
Are delicious when
Stolen from waitrose
after free coffee
To perk up
His lost libido
After his traumatic
hair loss after
He'd pulled it
Out after missing
The cut for
The umpteenth time
Because he,s simply
Not a proper
cheat like some
Other spurs players
who are honest
About their cheating
Friends in Yorkshire
And in Kent
Where it happens
At the Channel
Tunnel where the
Local sell welcome
To Britain flags
To the illegals
Wearing Guisley shirts
swearing that they
will win eventually
Against mighty York
Why pitied poor
Blackburn Rovers Fans
Who'd never seen
Their team win
Much this season
Even with generous
Donations from the
Venkys who are
Chicken pluckers from
Bobs dream who
Gave six fingers
Salute to Bernard
The chicken farmer
from deepest Norfolk
For supplying the
best quality cockerals
For slaughter at
White Hart Lane
Where arsenal fear
Nothing and win
Everytime that they
Dive for a
dodgy cheating penalty
Making Arsene very
Unpopular with true
Supporters of pure
Footballing skills like
the England team
That were cr•p
curing my insomnia
And mine too
When we could
Have beat them
By bribing the
Players agent's with
money from the
Dodgy deals done
By big Sam
route one specialist
Where in Thailand
He can have
The pick of
Spurs rejects who
Dave likes to
Ogle over reminiscing
About the best
Team that never
Won a premiership
Title, always failing
Until next season
Fifth place finish
From bottom which
Is progress for
A small London
Team with big
Debts caused by
eating too many
Jellied eels causing
A dash to
Tottenham hotspurs ground
Executive loos where
Gareth was sucking
a freshly cut
Leak sent by
His mate Harry
Kane who hasn't
Scored for ages
And hopefully won't
Disappoint when recovered
From pulling his :o
Awards from the
Arsenal skip where
Dumped by Walcott
Whose goals helped
But not England
Who are nonsense
And wreck players
Confidence with stupid
Tactics and too
Much alcohol consumed
With the wags
Before half time
cigarettes and line
Dancing with the
Referee and linesmen
Then a karaoke
Sing off in
Gary lineker's bar
With the local
Crisp eating numpties
in their underpants
With Dumbo sized
ears painted bright
To attract the
Free wifi signal
So that they
Could play their
Game of monopoly
using real money
Cos they're overpaid
Divas with no
Brain so they
Signed for Tottenham
With an X
On the dotted
Line when asked
To sign their
Name even though
he struggled with
Taking the top
off the crayon
Which was pink
matching Arsene's lipstick
And his matching
Shoes that he
Borrowed from Dee
Which are two
Lovely pink stilettos
with golden bows
To impress the
Lads from Essex
who can tell
Quality stilettos when
They are being
Modelled by Dee
but she never
loses her balance
Even tho she
had trouble getting
so many vodkas
Down her neck
during happy hour
That Dee could
Even think about
going to Stockport
To be near
the stiletto factory
which gives discount
To Essex girls
Who lead fashion
Trends with fishnet
Thongs and other
Crotchless items which
brighten the lives
Of Yarkshire perverts
Who appreciate a
Window shopping in
Amsterdams famous red
Light zone with
Their tongues drooling
Ready to indulge
in pints of
recycled canal water
Before eating the
local delicacy paraded
By the gorgeous
Singapore girl boys
Who charge Dave
Ten euros for
A feel of
The atmosphere which
Smelt like waccy
Bacchus smoked by
Our northern colleagues
who can`t find
A sensible cockeneeeeee
To sponge off
So they try
Mug their own
coffee on Ryanair
Which was cold
tasting like old
Socks that once
Were worn by
The flying Paddy
Aka Saint Michael
Who's public relations
are compared to
That of a
tight wad that
supports Bradford City
The greatest team
beaten by Accrington
Stanley for a
Humiliating experience for
Inbred yorkshite fans
With no premiership
Experience or inclination
with loads of
hot meat pies
For sale to
Well proportioned Yorkshire
Love gods who
Deflower cockenee sirens
Playing hard to
Get in the
Back of the
Sand dunes where
Jon lets it
All hang out
over his XL
Shorts which are
Reinforced with special
Brew and pontefract
Cakes for stamina
that he stores
In his back
pocket for quick
Access in case
He has sudden
Urge to romp
With a certain
Nubile young lady
All the way
and back again
until he realises
That he is
A true stallion
and love god
Then wakes up
From his dreams
And realises that
A sea lion
Has attacked Bob
And drank his
Free vodka which
was made from
Free sewage from
Around the Preston
And distilled in
Old train carriages
built in 1910
Like the unions
Who hold the
Customers by the
Short and curlies
Extracting their hard
Earned cash and
Then demanding more
before bussing them
To the wrong
Town to extort
Even more money
That they trouser
Under false pretences
Like bank managers
They're overpaid fat
Cats with no
Morals like cockeneeees ;)
living in Lancashire
Buying new jackets
To hide their
Ill gotten gains
In false pockets
So that the
Muggers from Preston
Move to Suffolk
For speech therapy
And to drink
Horrid flat ale
imported from Yorkshire
For discerning cockeneeees
for washing hair
With eel juice
for added virility
To cure impotency
And brewers droop
Suffered by the
Bradford bulls fans
On a cold
winters night with
An Essex chick
Teaching the Yorkie
How to give
A good time
At the back
of the local
Hostelry where Paul
was entertaining young
Fillies from Highbury
Where the best
Hookers hang out
because they lost
The way to
the Emirates because
They got caught
by a Uber
Cab driver that
Arsenal signed for
One pound fifty
From Spurs who
Treated him dispicably
because he's useless
At making tea
Especially earl Grey
which doesn`t taste
Like proper tea
To northern peasants
Who appreciate brews
tasting like socks
Soaked in sheep
offal and camel
Dung all rolled
As Jon likes
Proper earthy goods
That are cheap
And worth the
Money which is
well protected from
Rampaging Lancastrians who
spend other people's
Pensions on a
Beer bike ride
Before getting arrested
for insulting a
Young lady who
was drinking Baileys
With the local
stud from Suffolk
Called Dave who
Has exceptional stamina
For a young
Clown from Yorkshire ;)
Who is always
In Chavetta where
the heavy frost
Has never been
experienced by local
Noisy neighbours who
enjoy loud sex
On the beach
But prefer the
Beer bike for
satisfying their desires
In Daves pool
On a lilo
Surrounded by beautiful
Essex girls with
Their poundland bags
And white stilettos
With black fishnets
Raising two fingers
To the local
expat from Yorkshire
Stuck in a
Lavatory with lovely
Lancastrian belly dancer
Who only weighs
Sixteen stone in
Her left leg
Which can pin
Bob easily to
Stop him escaping
Before buying a
Triple vodka and
Double vodka with
a bottle of
vodka for backup
To water down
The Suffolk ale
Thats pure nonsense
when drunk with
a cocktail cherry
And fruit pieces
To decorate the
bathroom floor after
Bob has honked
To make room
For his bacon
and sausage butty
With Brie cheese
And tomato sauce
which cost more
the Ryanair flight
Where customer value
Is non existent
For the whinging
Passengers from north
Of Watford Gap
especially from Yorkshire
where they always
try to get
Something for nothing
As they are
always up for
Taking advantage of
The woolly backs
From cockeneeeee land
That moved south
To darkest Norfolk
and lost forever
Their ferrets that
had escaped from
T'shed at bottom
Of the mill
Where Dave worked
with no internet
Connection in his
new Norfolk home
Which is chaos
For an entrepreneur
Minting money for
years of graft
Sweat and tears
With no unions
Trying to force
open his presents
While no one
Can connect phones
Or find room
For poor pensioners
Who moved from
Ipswich to get
A retirement home
Until BT ruined
His t'internet connection
With no phone
So he had
To beat up
An egg to
Make an omelette
To throw at
Someone from Norfolk
Who sparks reaction
With his constant
Sniping at spike
The old codger
who lives in
A remote shack
Living off old
Memories of life
That wasnt much
as he forgot
To mention his
Days banged up
in his studio
Recording his silly
Jingles about his
Time with pirate
Records he obtained
From his mate
Who loves Farage
And old Trumpy
Just waiting for
Brexit to begin
And the exodus
Of the foreigners
With Yorkshire accents
To affluent Norfolk
Pensioners with no
Idea about football
Where northerners excel
At talking ballcocks
About everything under
The sun because
Southerner are fick ;) ;) ;D
About all fings
about boring northerners
With superior intelligence
Like a frog
And headless chicken
running around the
South teaching numpties
Dipping their pockets
For intelligent signs
And used fivers
To buy Dave
a better connection
for his mobile
Phone which was
Struggling to find
A reliable network
With an affordable
Tariff for pensioners
On the bread
Line in rural
Norfolk subsidising northerners
who like to
Drink on mondays
instead of working
Or striking for
Being asked to
Do what they
Should be doing
Like serving fat
blasters slimming classes
full English gutbusters
At Beach café
Where the view
Of sand heaps
Is very rare
To see Jon
And tourists flock
To witnes the
Sandy coloured sea
come up to
Pasty white knees
On Chavetta's chavs
Over from Bradford
Wi knotted hankie
And string vest
Showing off his
gold nipple ring
To his admiring
Beer bike friends
Who were busy
Trying to contain
The undying admiration
for the new
successful enlargement surgery
Undertaken by Jon
To please cockeneeees
Who love ridiculing
Poor Arsenal supporters
Who suffer enough
Blaming poor Arsene
For their woes
And lack of
Noise at the
Back of the
old changing rooms
where Merson's bar
Serves crappie ale
Which they like
Up in Lancashire
To give to
The local community
Who suffered from
Meat and potato
Pie excesses which
Give them wind
To blow up
The pigeon coop
Full of fat
full bodied birds
ready for romancing
With lucky spurs
who were robbed
By a dodgy
Hand ball goal
By a blind
that wouldn`t stay
Even if you
tried to persuade
The ref that
Specsavers could rectify
His short sightedness
And deaf ears
That looked like
He couldn't hear
because his hearing-aid
had no battery
So wouldn't whistle
When somebody handled
The mascot by
The short and
Curly hair on
the stroke of
The vinegar one
That Jon thought
was very attractive
and he would
help her with
Her shopping from
Waitrose with free
Bags for life
And a coffee
For poor pensioners
Scraping by on
Old jellied eels
And instant mash
From the food
Bank down by
the local Mozzers
Wher Dee buys
Her favourite tipple
Of Tia Maria
By the dozen
Until she falls
foul of the
Local constabulary who
stop her streaking
Around the town
Flashing her ample
Bosom for all
And sundry to
Have a grope
but they didn`t
See big Jon
Taking selfies with
The Chavetta camels
on the dunes
Romping with the
Yorkshire ramblers enjoying
A cultural day
in the heart
Of where it
Was shown on
I've been framed
By British telecom
who couldn`t connect
in a brewery
Full of old
Brown ale bottles
Left by Bob
After entertaining his
Union brothers from
the back of
The union bar
With cheap beer
Paid for by
Jon,because he
is generous to
Those less fortunate
Like Blackburn supporters
Who don't have
Any morals because
they only drink
Cheap cider with
A vodka chaser
Until they fall
Off the bench
Holding on to
Their yorkshire friend
For support as
Cockeneee bullies try
To humiliate the
Northern numpties from
The superior north
if they climb
on their ladders
To reach up
To the southerners
Who were robbing
Northerners of excuses
that had never
Been thought of
apart from Bob
Who knew every
pub in the
red light area
Of darkest Blackburn
Where he met
Brenda the slapper
who likes to
tickle Bob special
Python which grows
Green and wrinkly
And wraps itself
Around the nearest
Bottle of vodka
Demonstrating his multitasking
that no other
woman could ever
Satisfy his demand
With his insatiable
Appetite for kinky
Swingers parties and
Nude swimming at
Daves communal pool
Where the water
Needs draining after
they used too
Much lubricant on
Causing an oil
Spillage that made
A snake oil
For all to
Get his supply
Of blue tablets
To help him
With his little
Problem that the
Old man has
Been used rarely
Usually just for
Watering his plants
out the back
Of his villa
where the vegetation
Hid his neighbours
Discarded sex toys
Still whirring away
Due to the
Duracell batteries still
having plenty of
Play time available
Until Dave used
Them for mixing
The rum punch
To make it
Acceptable for bob
He added cheap
bottles of Shandy
And Spanish fly
And mosquito spray
And Tubbys famous
Fresh fish stall
Selling for a
discerning London public
eels and whelks
with cockney charm
In his best
Bowler hat and
Best whistle and
Flute from Manny
The cockeneeee tailor
who liked to
take inside leg
Measurements to excite
the nice boys
Like batty southerners
find strange because
They don't understand
The concept of
Honesty and clean
Living unlike us
Northerners who appreciate
Talking to ferrets
An intelligent animal
That teach northerners
How to chuff
With great success
Unlike southern poofters
Imitating the northerners
who never stop
Mithering on about
Northern supremacy which
they wish exists
In London where
Handsome cockney enchant
The essex chicks
In high heels
And fishnet stockings
and buy them
down Romford market
Where cockeneees buy
Gold medallions for
Gents from Gent
round the corner
Where Dave sulked
about bent referees
Sending off Delle
Ali the petulant
Spoilt brat who
Thinks he is
Better than anything that aresenal have and he is correct
Quote from: DaveW on February 26, 2017, 17:38:33 PM
Better than anything that aresenal have and he is correct
Think that might be more than 3 words Dave :o ;D ;D
I know but had to get it off my chest 😄
Cockeneeees should behave ;D
Like our northern
Chums with dignity
and generous gestures
Towards the striking
of Bobs railway
Comrades who like
making commuters lives
A misery by
removing the seats
And installed hammocks
and making us
eat stale pies
And cold coffee
With curdled cream
To make us
All feel rather
Like a cockenee
on Slimming World
without the trimmings
On basic rations
with no cakes
Or choccy bars
To nibble when
They are waiting
At the dole
queue because of
so many cutbacks
To Bobs lunch
Hours when he
Was on double
Bubble for doing
absolutely nothing as
He was sleeping
In the office
after spending the
Day supping vodka
With his mates
From the communist
Party comrades who
Held the country
To ransom due
The old dinosaurs
Found in Suffolk
where Dave used
to entertain the
Local village bike
Shop proprietor to
Get a new
set of lights
for his tandem
So Jon can
Have a ride
Around to Dee's
To play with
Glens new big
bouncy castle which
Keeps going down
And needs erecting
to a much
annoyed group of
Spurs supporters who
Taunt the Arsenal
Who get better
Without diving into
The penalty box
every time they
they get desperate
Like poor old
Arsene when he
Is the best
Whinger in London
Moaning about his
Noisy neighbours Spurs
who keep talking
of finishing above
The mighty Arsenal
In their dreams
It might happen
if they stop
Gloating everytime they
touch the balls
In the bingo
Hall where dee
gets a full
set of dabbers
which she shared
With Jon the
Canny Yorkshire chap
And pigeon racer
and loves southerners
As though they
had won the
Dunes romping competition
That Jon films
with his new
Slimmer and sexy
Southern Belle who
Always likes to
Share her fabulous
Flip flops with
Polka dot bows
That squeak when
She treads on
Jons bronzed back
Pack containing his
Pet ferret who
Nibbles at her
chopped up carrot
That she always
carries to attract
The attentions of
The beach photographer
Who snapped her
In her finest
Pose inspired by
Her time with
Page 3 of
Of The Sun
when she was
A feisty teenager
In white stilettos
that she purchased
In Petticoat Lane
From George the
Greek with the
dodgy syrup acquired
From Bruce Forsyth
when he wasn't
Having a good
Hair day so
Off she went
and gave it
To Bob for
him to hold
Next to his
Blackburn season ticket
And union card
Where everyone would
Swear and curse
Due to the
Fiery nature of
him always being
On a picket
line antagonising the
The tory boys
Who are better
At breaking promises
than signing pieces
of Brexit letters
That Dave loves
The European union
With its crooks
cooking the books
Claiming that we'll
keep on paying
Millions each year
And be like
Rich Bob the
Union baron from
The north of
The Watford Gap
And speaks with
A scouse accent
on days beginning
T but other
Days he is
Too wissed to
Care about the
Waste of drinking
Himself into oblivion
In the buffet
Carriage with his
Mates Jeremy, Len
And Arthur who
didn`t bring any
fun to people's
Party or presents
For them to
Take back to
his garden shed
complete with sauna
And bottles of
WD40 which he
Sprayed on his
Rusty old joints
To ease the
stiffness in his
Leg and little
under used but
Very scabby and
Seen better days
Wallet that is
Rarely opened unless
its time to
Top it up
With free rail
Tickets to sell
on Caleta beach
for El Tren
better known as
Sid the spiv
with six fingers
Commonly known as
Wide boy cockeneeee
wannabe from Preston
who doesn`t post
As much as
They used to
But it's quality
Compared to the
Bitching at the
General chat where
Everyone knows best
But in reality
They know nowt
About good manners
Or what jon
Gets up to
With Dee in
The dunes at
Corralejo the porn
Capitol of culture
And northern chavs
Playing with southern
Experts in the
Art of diving
Into blond muff
That tasted like
Sushi mixed with
Sweat and odour
that was 100
Times worse than
Anything we've ever
Smelt in Corralejo
Unlike perfect Caleta
With a perfume
Of stinking beaches
Of unwashed northerners
And rancid southerners
Who are really
only there for
Northern hygiene lessons
To lower their
very high standards
Compared to pigs
That roam t'moors
Tucking into freshly
Made apple sauce
On black pudding
And Pontefract cakes
And northern delicacies
Southerners dont appreciate
like tea cakes
For health purposes
should not be
eaten after 12
Rancid jellied eels
which Jon enjoyed
With Youngs Bitter
Whenever he is
feeling a bit
Of Dee's left
Overs from her
Special Sunday roasts
Where her Yorkshire
Puddings are admired
In the flesh
With a covering
of mint sauce
which perks up
The taste buds
Before getting stuck
Into her fluffy
polar bear onesie
With fluffy pink
Ear muffs to
Drown out Jons
Tiny Tim voice
that he uses
to woo ladies
Before pouncing on
Some young ladies
Who can't understand
the offside rule
adopted in Yorkshire
at Jons golf
Club where they
Play with yellow
Driving range balls
And plastic clubs
a free gift
From Brother Bob
Bought from Poundland
when he visited
for his weekly
Visit as the
Local Mozzers is
Have banned him
All credit customers
Due to his
His union activities
Distracting him from
actually doing any
Useful work like
Shouting mind the
step when you
Board the train
Otherwise they would
Trip up spilling
His cheap vodka
Over his suede
Shoes that he
bought from Primark
before going to
The picket line
With his mate
Red Ted the
Love child of
The woman who
Checked out his
Very small appendage
Which he blames
On his lack
Light due to
Being in a
Underground tunnel most
Of his life
As his Davey
Miners helmet had
Gone on strike
Just like his
Boss Len tells
Him about bankers
using all the
unions sour grapes
And public money
on a new
cruiser to impress
The country bumpkins
On the broads
sitting on their
picnic hampers full
Sandwiches and champagne
with beluga caviar
On toast to
impress Len McCluskey
And his cronies
making people's lives
A misery by
Disrupting people's lives
And making them
Watch Blackburn Rovers
Getting relegated to
Level of Southend
Selling shrimps on
The Kursaal funfare
buy one get
One free which
Goes down well
With the striking
Blond walking past
In her bikini
thong up her
Backside looking like
Kim Kardashian with
A weight problem
In her derrière
Department which was
Mistaken for a
Pair of pumpkins 🎃 🎃
Which suffocated her
Many lovers who
liked to look
Much closer than
They should causing
The hungry bum
To gobble up
too many peanuts
any spitting them
All over Paul
Who collects them
To give to
His friends for
Mending his bike
which had been
Delayed by EasyJet
With drunken Arsenal
Players tampering with
Steve sweaty balls
and exposing their
Private parts to
the air hostess
Who pulled the
loose piece of
Cord revealing her
Under carriage had
very bad damage
Due to multiple
Poundings by the
Captains thrust contoller
Being used too
Forcefully since Leicester
Managed to stay
In the top
of the league
where no Yprkshire
Peams arp playing
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit Jonathan
Because they're rubbish
I pought it was punny ;D
At diving and
Scoring goals in
the opponents net
but only if
the goalie turns
His back on
His wife and
Gives her a
Good seeing to
In front of
The directors box
bending her over
the subs bench
For all to
Give a rating
on their performance
And some tips
on how to
Prolong the act
Which Jon noted
Down in his
little book which
He kept in
his inside pocket
with the hole
For ventilation so
He can jingle
His loose change
And rearrange his
garden gnomes that
Dee adores so
much that she
Lovingly caresses their
Cheeky little pink
Bottoms and kissing
Their perky little
red rosy cheeks
when they bent
Over to show
that their trousers
had holes under
Their nut bags
Where the insects
Nibbled away at
The bits that
were poking through
and exposed to
All passers by
And use them
To add protein
and to revitalise
The parts that
Do not get
Used as often
As the ever
Bad ref Spurs
Get lumbered with
too many useless
bad decisions that
Make Dave incensed
and rob them
Of many a
point that would
Eventually cost them
And end up
second to Russia's
Mafia at standford
Where plastic supporters
can`t be bothered
when they lose
To mighty Bradford
After being overcome
By the Arsenal
Boringly yawning football
who know nothing
about entertaining the
Fa cup winners
With pork pies
From Stoke Newington
wherever that is?
in North London
Where the fourbys
Beat the furbies
On their own
Whoever they are?
I haven`t got
a clue where
I didn't want to use the Y word for Spurs so they are fourbys which is 4x2's which is cockennee rhyming slang, work the rest out yourselves ;D ;D
This is leading
We were not so shy, quite happy to chant y.. army
Down the garden
Path to the
labour money tree
Where Corbyn thinks
He can hoodwink
All the stupid
young voters who
Think money grows
Rather than earned
With hard graft
but only if
They could see
the satisfaction of
Knowing that they
could repay parents
Of tory voters
when the Euro
is more valuable
Than the pound
and Garden Tax
That will be
An ever increasing
Problem for rich
And poor alike
Who dont live
to be screwed
right in Essex
On the pier
With a big
Dipper going round
riders throwing up
over Dee's stilettos
Making her very
Attractive to northern
types that like
The best women
To do unmentionable
things like ironing
Jon's budgie smugglers
On the beach
burning his little
Wobbly white buttocks
That have been
Slapped by his
Female captain at
The Love Boat
Golf club in
Which Dave tries
His corny lines
Of a carrot 🥕
For donkey Adams
The cousin of
All Suffolk bumpkins
Imported from Lancashire
in flaming June
moaning about anything
To do with
The price of
Black pudding and
Other local delicacies
like ferret pie
Or jellied eels
the favourite sustenance
Of the masses
of Tubbie's fans
Down Essex way
Where the best
Cockles and whelks
Are fed to
eager Yorkshire boys
Who spit them
On the floor
the uncouth reprobates
Dislike Southern grub
Because it's poo
And insipid rubbish
Similar to black
Country food which
Is all yam
And cold turkey
Leftovers from Christmas
That they love
To mash up
with lashings of
stale Brussel sprouts
That make them
A Yorkshire speciality
Sold to Cockenees
for a tenner
or 100 ciggies
From duty free
Where Dave always
Spends hard earned
Pension money from
From illicit gains
in darkest Norfolk
Where crooks gather
with the shepherds
To round up
little Englander anti
The establishment Roarski
and friend Sparky
To encarserate them
in Southend Kursaal
but only if
the trains are
Not on strike
But luckily for
Bob his payrise
More than covered
His travel expenses
because he earned
Vast amounts of
Bets drinking vodka
with his mate
Big Jon who
Liked to let
the ladies give
Him a nice
Relaxing massage while
He supped some
Of Bobs vodka
on Galera beach
At happy hour
in his mankini
Borrowed from Dave
the jellied eel
King of Norfolk
With bulging muscles
Borrowed from Dee
Who liked to
Keep fit with
her Zumba class
And cross trainer
don`t forget Glen
Fiddich Scotch to
Numb the sense
Of having to
Slip into the
Sand dunes with
Jon and his
strawberry flavour lotion
That he rubs
into his feet
and other sensitive
Areas of Dees
Portable drinks cabinet
that was always
well stocked with
large bottles of
Baileys and more
Drinks that could
Rot the socks
of anyone wearing
sandals when visiting
The alps in
Switzerland wher the
yodellers do it
With gay abandon
While playing with
Their very own
Version of the
Didgeridoo which they
hand carved out
By Rolf in
Hid prison cell
Where he was
Seen playing with
His little zither
Plucking it's strings
and singing to
All the inmates
Who were drinking
Moonshine and smoking
Dope bought from
Visitors hidden in
Daves pink manbag
borrowed from Bob
For the weekend
Because Dave couldn't
Afford to buy
His own bag
So he stole
Bob's girly accessories
Borrowed from Dee
Who was holidaying
Missing her bestest
And frolickings in
the dunes all
Day long with
The thong man
Who likes to
Advise Jon about
Sucking toes and
other deviations which
Paul taught him
To raise his
Opinion of Spurs
with English players
Unlike his team
Of foreign mercenaries
Only playing for
Hugh amounts of
Money extracted from
The poor fans
when they could
Be supporting spurs
In their hour
Between hop picking
And visiting the
Local Kent hostelries
That serve real
Strong southern beer
To Southern wimps
Relocated from Bradford
To educate the
Foreign nationals that
Northerners are best
At pigeon racing
And constant whinging
About spurs defenders
Going to scumland
As they can't
Develop their own
Style of play
Around their lavish
Lifestyle they live
with their WAGS
And fast cars 🚗
Getting caught for
texting while humping
The Manchester bike
Better known as
Juicy Lucy to
Her numerous admirers
And the other
fifteen white chickens
plucked ready for
Spit roasting by
The local chef
At the beach
Cafe we the
Local numpties visit
Roughnecks from Corralejo
or idiots from
La Capellania visiting
run down Chavetta
AS it's better
than Somalia but
Superior to Corralejo
Where northerners go
For cheap booze
And no Chavs
are allowed on
El Tren which
dave likes to
Drive with his
Eyes open unlike
Our northern colleagues
who like to
Wander through the
Moors w'out a
Head covering or
Whippet in tow
but loads of
black pudding to
Eat as picnic
Before getting onto
The beautiful countryside
Trashed by travellers
From Lancashire on
A tour of
Gods own county
The finest Yorkshire
Parks and historical
Mines that adorn
The fracking sites
Of rich southerners
Who moan constantly
about subsidizing northerners
In jellied eels
Which they love
To throw up
and eat again
To see if
Tastes even better
The second time
And recommend them
To tasteless cockeneeees
Who they admire
For being stupid
Yorkshiremen with brains
the size of
Einstein and personality
Of Eastend character
Imported from Emmerdale
But Suffolk born
and upstanding folk
In the asylum
Seekers from Yorkshire
Where they thrive
On Suffolk ale
When they're desperate
for a drink
At the beach
at Happy Hour
Where G buys
Mojitos all round
Before going romping
in the dunes
With mi Princess :'(
in a private
Stone circle so
Nobody can witness
Apart from photobrian
The shenanigans that
Steamed up his
Sunglasses leaving him
In a hot
spot after he
Forgot to mention
He's a Jaffa
And can't satisfy
Any woman's lust
But when he
had a look
around the dunes
but couldn`t find
anything worth snapping
Except Dee's stilettos
Stamped firmly on
By photobrian who
Loved seeing Dee
Romping naked with
The cast of
Emmerdale looking on
To see if
Cain really is
As hard as
He thinks he
Is or if
He's just a
Case of rigor
Mortise setting in
Requiring the kiss
Of life to
every part of
His body which
requires a strong
Woman like Dee
to whip up
His sexual fantasies
Where he receives
A damn good
Spanking on his
Extra sensitive telescopic
lens which he
Zoomed in on
the naughty bits
Which she flaunts
On a regular
basis in the
Early hours of
the days in
What only can
be described as
An eye popping
Experience for all
Of the swingers
That hang out
at Jon's Villa
And Daves mansion
where they all
Jump on Pauls
Bouncy castle that
He chatted up
A spurs player
For an autograph
To add to
his greatest heroes
That never played
For the mighty
1961 double side
Which Dave remembers
And attended all
The games with
My Arsenal friend
Who was forced
To buy the
Legend Sol Campbell
Who was magnificent
where it counted
Playing at Highbury
the Judas rat
Who won many
Raspberries when returning
To the slum
Of White Hart
Pub in Bradford
Modelled on Daves
Favourite watering hole
Where he never
Buys a drink
Unlike Jon who
flashes the cash
And every thing
When Dee's around
To witness the
Generosity of yorkshiremen
With other people's
Brass and ale
Women but they
Support southern pensioners
to the shop
but miss achievements
Useless southern numpties
Catching the northern
Numpties off guard
Feeding their pigeons
With black pudding
after they vomit
All over the
Sunday best cap
And polished shoes
dont forget the
Horse hair toupee
That Dave has
Specially made for
Jon to wear
On his chest
To entice his
beach groupees from
The midlands who
Are quite partial
Hairy chaps with
Lots of 💰
who like to
splashing on large
Amounts of cider
Laced with vodka
To drink with
Crisps and Quavers
Which tasted of
honey rum and
sweaty feet which
Bob drinks blissfully
Unaware of the
Contents of the
Parcel delivered by
Postman Pat's special
Delivery service where
Pat's cat Jess
Pooed on Daves
Syrup which it
needed a good
Reupholstering due to
Windy weather in
Norfolk causing havoc
With it's parting
And Elvis quiff
So hair gel
Caused an oil
Slick on the
North Sea near
Super Kev like
He really cares
about his appearance
And the performance
Of the black
Cats struggling in
The championship where
Prima donna players
Kick the number two 💩
Out of each
Other until they
Start to cry
Like premiership stars ✨
who don`t earn
more than a
Southern pensioner who
Dave is the
Unluckiest golfer and
Peroni drinker that
Drinks in moderation
Unless other people
get in first
And spike his
Earl grey with
a dash of
Milk which renders
him to a
Quivering wreck unable
To lift his
Syrup without breaking
Wind uncontrollably which
Flattened the fence
So the butler
tried to erect
His withered appendage
with three chopsticks
But to no
Ones surprise viagra
Didn't work because
It was out
Of its league
And should be
Used on giant
Hogweed to see
if edible or
Poisonous for our
Fellow cockeneeeeee numpties
Known for their
Hate of thick
Pork sausages and
Burgers served by
Dosey northern birds
With greasy hair
And fantastic legs
With humongous breasts
Which Dave lovingly
Snuggles into before
Suffocating in his
Syrup which had
Slipped off whilst
fighting his way
Through the padding
And the silicon
To nuzzle up
And start to
Unwrap his carefully
Concealed French letter
From its envelope
addressed to Jon
for his Corralejo
Romps in the
Sand dunes with
A tiddly princess
In white stilettos
And not much
Else to cover
Her pert little
white bits which
Jon loves to
Tickle with his
Spiky stubbly chin
With old spice
Splashed all over
his entire body
Hoping to entice
The young ladies
Into his bar
And buy him
Some pop so
they get him
Completely drunk and
Ply him viagra
So Jon can
Retain his staying
power but he
got sun burned
In the cloudy
Sea so he
Can find excuses
To not buy
His princess any
Double Tia Marias
Which Dee is
Rather partial to
with her cornflakes
Just before she
Rushes off to
Talk of the
Town to meet
Her northern drinking
bestie on Friday
For hugs and
tales of life
In the grim
Morrisons car park
Where all manner
Of bargain hunters
Gather to see
Jons bulging boxers
Stuffed with budgies
Pecking his pecker
making his limp
More exaggerated than
Chester from Gunsmoke
Who only Dave
Is old enough
To recall, as
The other young
Guys and gals
In their nappies
Are full of
Treble baileys and
Other weird liquids
That go to
the overflow pipe
In Jons bar
in sunny Bradford
Where cockeneeees enjoy
Pigeon pie washed
Down with proper
Dish water served
With a smile
By Jon the
three legged barman
Who enjoys to
Play with his
nuts and scrathings
Whilst watching the
ladies tee off
Out of the
Toe of the
Biggest camel he'd
Ever seen in
Glorious sunny Yorkshire
he couldn't resist
Telling Paul about
Hop picking in
Kent when he
Was a young
Lad in short
Skirt and boob-tube
On the weekends
To entertain the
Northern numpties who
Ridiculed his beer
making kit from
A shop in
Preston where Bob
Advises home brewers
On how to
get maximum alcoholic
Content into one
Pint to reduce
His intake of
Large volumes causing
Large noisy burps
Which Jon thinks
Is quite acceptable
From strange cockeneeees
imitating northern cousins
But alas failing
To sink low
As a snakes 🐍
Trying to limbo
on the beach
With Dave watching
Essex champion cricket
At long last
After 65 years
Of Yorkshire supremacy
In cadging drinks
From dumb cockeneeees
philanthropic Natured fellows
Or just plonkers
pitying northern peasants
who try to
Emulate superior southern
Pensioners and retirees
With trendy syrups
And good looks
Resembling a monkey
wrench manufacturer with
A bad dose
Of pity for
Our northern colleagues
Who dont care
about being slobs
And consuming large
Black puddings filled
With offal and
Minced beetroot to
the buttered teacakes
Washed down with
Real weak ale
From Yorkshire brewers
'Whippet and Ferret'
Drowning their sorrows
But really laughing
at the size
Of Essex's victory
Over the northern
numpties who can't
Be arsed with
Supping real beer 🍻
Brewed in Suffolk
For pig swill
but passing it
Off as John
enjoys the simpler
Things in life
like too many
Romps with his
Princess to Meatloaf
Screaming out karaoke 🎤
At the local
Real ale emporium
slurring his words
Talking cockenee towards
The northern numpties
trying to master
T'art of speaking
The queen`s English
In rhyming slang
as used by
Those silly cockeneeees
To baffle northerners
Who don't understand
Their wives demands
And don't care
about their dogs
Fouling other people`s
Underwatered plants in
Their untidy garden
Where their whippets
ran around with
Their racing pigeons
and ferrets which
Were all chuffing
Laughing at cockeneees
Jokes about northerners
The superior men
In their minds
were all deluded
and inferior beings
From Essex who
liked to wear
Union Jack underwear
And knotted hanky
Rolled up trousers
Bob wide braces
gifted from RMT
Member red Bob
To Venky`s CEO
A book of
How to strike
at every opportunity
With no reason
Known to ordinary
Hard working fellows
Which dave hasn't
Forgotten after 50
Years of hard
Work every day
but now he
Enjoys his pension
Flitting between England
and the sun
In Fuerteventura where
His randy neighbours
keep him awake
Asking his advice
On how to
Ensure his syrup
From Harrods costing
Nowt from falling
Off the lorry
that travels from
The animal sanctuary
In north Yarkshire
To slummy south
Lancashire where the
Venkys take them
weekly food parcels
To hand out
At Ewood Park
To the hard
up supporters that
Know chuff all
About defining cockneys
As coming from
Anywhere south of
Watford gap is
A southern person
Therefore a cockeneeeeee
in their weird
World up north
With cheapo maps
From Bradford market
spending their old
Age pension on
Weak Yorkshire ale
And new freezers
Top up shops
For wasted food
meaning that it
Was silly cockeneeees
Saving electricity but
Wasting finest fillet
Waitrose chicken breasts
In garlic sauce
And lobster Thermidor
Surrounded by peas
And jellied eels
don`t forget the
Pie and mash
By Tubby Issacs
along with caviar
Stolen from Waitrose
in Ipswich Town
Where thieves regularly
Commute from north
London to raid
The rich cockeneeees
In rural Norfolk
Whilst playing golf
And other useful
Games like shove
Halfpenny for money
Trying to supplement
His meagre income
and exercise his
Big fat belly
After eating all
Of Jon`s dinner
Including beetroot he
Grew from seed
In his allotment
Where his prize
Third leg grew
Until it became
Too big for
His cockeneeeeee princess
To sit on
Without squealing with
Pleasure at its
Far too limp
And withered appearance
Makes it look 👀
Like Daves little
pet worm that
Wriggles in his
Organic window box
Looking for his
Other little worm
So they can
grow herbal plants
For Dave to
Include in his
Emergency medical supplies
When wanting to
Help out his
Lack of vitality
When compared with
Jon the stud
In his dreams
chokes Linda Lovelace
With his special
Aledged third leg
That swung freely
In the wind
Like a pendulum
On a grandfather
Small and wrinkly
but he booked
A cockney transplant
Alcock and ball 🏀
To impress his
princess who appreciates
The finer things
In life like
Chips and gravy 😝😝
Made with baileys
Finest saliva which
After licking his
Nether regions he
Protects from the
Female dog's whp
Follow him around
Looking for a
Mate to satisfy
His doggy needs
Before the vet
Gives him the
Knife to remove
his shiny balls
and donated to
The local chinese
takeaway coated in
Breadcrumbs so they
can absorb the
Flavour of the
barbeque sauce generously
Poured over Dee's
sweet apple dumplings
And massaged into
The dark recesses
That hides behind
Her rather pert
elbow which was
in Jon's ribs
Telling him to
Buy some tia
Maria flavoured body
Chocolate so that
Jon can lick 👅
It off her
Whilst in the
Middle of the
Bingo game at
The local bar
When her dibber
Leaked onto her
Favourite white stilettos
And made them
Look like a
Polka dot pair
of Dalmatians performing
Naughties with Bailey
In the Bramford
Area of East
Anglia where the
Dogs love to
walk along the
The river Gipping
And honking up
All over Dave
Sandals and socks
Making him very
Attractive to the
Chipmunks that scurry
In the dunes
Spying on Jon 👀👀
With his little
Princess who is
Liable to let
Him have his
favourite pastime of
Supping weak ale
With numptie cockenees
Who always moan
That the ref
Was a gooner
And not for
The faint hearted
too many dives
Reminded him of
Donkey Adams and
Willie Young who
nibbled the turf
At white hart
Lane before Ossie
used all the
pest killer to
Prevent Dave from
gathering a momento
from the set
of Emmerdale where
There maybe trouble
Understanding the accents
of the Northerners
Who are intellectuals
In their lunchtime
Breaks solving the
Crossword puzzle in
In pigeon racing
Won by the
Local inbred bird
From Essex who
Jon admires by
Buying her a
some furry dice
And a nodding
Dog to put
On her washing
line along with
Her sexy little
Anne Summers undies
With the frilly
Bits to excite
Jon has he
Gently pulls them
into the basket
with other ladies
Slightly soiled frilly
Bits accumulated from
The local laundrette
While the ladies
stroke his large
Honed Steroid enhanced
Sausage which resembles
a tube of
Finest black pudding
savaged by dogs
Including windy Bailey
Who had been
Farting for Essex
And making cockeneeees
gag because of
The vile aroma
Of the pudding
that he ate
After his walkies
In the cold
Air by the
Sugar beet factory
Where poor cockeneeees
climb over the
fence to get
A free lunch
And a round
Of proper beer 🍻
Brewed in Suffolk
in a pub
car park where
Northerners are barred
From dogging meetings
because they make
too much noise
And upset the
Travellers camped on
Bobs front lawn
pinching his heather
that had grown
next to marijuana
Which eased his
Pain in the
Elbow from lifting
His bloated wallet
On pay day
but he tells
The bartender that
He is skint
And wants Jon
To pay everything
Including his season
Ticket for Spurs
As they can't
keep funding his
Overpaid second rate
curry meat pies
For the losers
from Guisley at
Guiseley Dave.
The Arsenal who
Thrashed Tottenham on
the wide screen
with bent ref
and football hooligans
after Arsene's head
On the block
Along with the
Board who can
Sell out to
The real supporters
From Woolwich where
they started celebrating
Mike Riley's birthday
With Arsenes roasted
Sweet meats cooked
In Campbell's blood
And a drop
of gravy granules
Mixed with garlic
And hot chilli's
To spice it
Up ready for
Spreading it all
Over the firm
That runs Tottenham
but only if
Bob pays his
Outstanding bar bill
From 1987 when
He last bought
Jon a beer 🍻
Celebrating Blackburn winning
a booby prize
for catering chicken
Only fit for
Pig swill served
At Wembley where
The empire pool
attendants all wore
Micky mouse outfits
With a cockerel 🐔
Stuffed up their
exhaust pipe before
arriving at the
local rubbish tip
To drop off
His week`s empty
Beer bottles that
Had been drained
Into his gut
and sucked dry
By his train 🚂
Driver who liked
sleeping at the
Job which led
To Daves uproar
at such sloppy
Service from a
Militant mob of
Unruly unionists who
Hold the country
To ransom because
Of their markist
financially illiterate leader
And his cronies
Who will wreck
The railway system
With extortionate prices
and cancelled trains
and stale pies
And turned up
Stale sandwiches turning
The poor passengers
Ill with food
Not fit for
Humans to eat
Even the rats
Turned their noses
up at the
Rancid offerings that
Bob had offered
To Dave who
much preferred to
Eat edible food
Within best by
Date which ensures
It hasn`t decomposed
or smell of
Jon`s old socks
Which are as
Toxic as a
Badgers back side
After a vindaloo
At the local
Bradford curry house
So Dave chooses
Salmon and cucumber 🥒
Panini washed down
Palestinian Amber beer
Found in Jon's
Supermarket trolley which
Came from Waitrose
Where Dave consumed
Quail eggs and
Lobster washed down
With free coffee
don`t forget the
Free choccy biccy
before going to
The golf club
To attempt to
hassle Jon with
some raffle tickets
For a season
ticket at Guisley
Which are really
Not worth much
As the seats
Are made from
old recycled packing
Boxes and mixed
With a bit
Jellied eels to
try and stick
The pieces of
Of Daves syrup
Of finest horse
Hair and other
Road kill furs
Found outside of
The local curryhouse
where Jon often
Sleeps rough in
sympathy for the
Deflated Spurs supporters
Who always whinge
about Arsenal supporters
Who ridicule Harry
Worth and his
Crazy antics in
The shop window
Opening his leg
warmers that were
gifted from Dee
Along with some
Other kinky underwear
under the Christmas
For Jon to
wear for a
dare but he
went commando because
He couldn't fit
Everything in as
Allegedly he is
World class tackle
Fit for a
World class angler
with brewers droop
Unlike Dave who
Is often referred
as Essex's superstud
Now residing in
Deepest darkest Suffolk
hes actually moved
to Nelson's Norfolk
With 6 fingers
Kent visitors in
Tow to see
If santa comes
Down the chimney
or through the
Back door in
Daves mansion which
the National Trust
Have listed as
A national treasure
For wealthy Pensioners
On large pension
And heating supplements
Whilst spending winters
baiting northern numpties
Who are gullible
For Daves charms
and good manners
With occasional rants
About dodgy referees
And Arsenal's superiority
At whinging at
The unfair treatment
Like juggling the
balls in the
Penalty box conceding
last minute equalisers
Upsetting Cech who
Stamped his foot
In the tunnel
Instead of kicking
Throwing pizzas at
The poor referee
Who added chillis
To spice up
Before sharing it
With Arsene who
Swallowed a wasp
Which stung his
Tongue while harassing
The poor referee
And kneeing him
In his groin
While stealing his
Red card which
He should have
Used to send
His dirty players
To the bath 🛀
And make excuses
Like our Dave
When blatantly robbed
Of his pension
By the sharks 🦈
that were circling
Around his wallet
wanting to invest
In Waitrose shares
because he had
Just donated some
priceless knowledge on
Jon who knew
nothing about women
Except for his
long suffering better
Half who tolerated
Dave supping Peroni
Making him fall
Over on a
Discarded syrup which
Was as slippery
His beloved eels
And cheering Forest
Fruit cake for
a little snack
Whilst gloating about
His ability to
Predict that Arsene
Will continue another
Game without seeing
the end game
or the handball
That wasn't deliberate
But ended in
Tantrums on the
Spurs training ground
Causing nappy rashes
On Danny Rose 🌹
Which Harry treated
with plenty of
Vaseline to lubricate
His back door 🚪
hinges that had
Become rusty whilst
Being neglected for
Due to his
Hectic life and
always opening them
Whilst falling over
The empty bottles 🍼
thrown by Arsenal
Rejects who supported
Plastic bottle recycling
and other green
ways of keeping
Ipswich roads open
For the pensioners
to be able
To collect their
Food bank rations
From Abdul's corner
Shop selling dodgy
Cigarettes and cameras 🎥
To take selfies
And pictures of
Ladies with not
Many clothes on
Wearing a smile
That shone like
a belisha beacon
As they devoured
the eel pies
Served at Dees
Christmas meal starter
Before getting stuck
Into the Baileys
and the cider
With more sprouts
creating methane overload
In Bailey who
played the trumpet
Expelling rancid smells
Encircling Ipswich in
A toxic cloud
Closing Orwell Bridge
Much to Dees
Annoyance that she
Would have to
Walk to work
could happen tomorrow
When Orwell bridge
closes once again
Making Dee very
Late for work
And having to
Seduce the boss
but currently open
Just his fly
and delve inside
What is known
As a Harvey
Wall Banger with
a touch of
Prosecco added for
Extra fizz to
the quadruple vodka
Which Bob drank
With his cornflakes
in the morning
Before joining the
Picket line at
comrade Jeremy's command
Against bloated plutocrats
In the TUC
where he could
Cripple the country
And make everyone
Depend on the
actions of his
team of headbangers
that only listen
To fake news
on social media
Which he believes
to be genuine
but on Facebook
Nothing is true
just like the
Promises made by
Men to not
Touch before paying
their credit card
for professional services
At the Dorchester
Where Dave dines
On fine steak
and squid rings
that melt in
The Caleta heat
From Steve`s electric
Fire that has
Been used frequently
During the past
Week of arctic
Conditions causing his
garden to become
an ice rink
Causing Steve to
Take up curling 🥌
Up under his
extra thick duvet
and lamb onesie
With foxy slippers
And inflatable banana
Which Jonny uses
As a swimming
Aid to prevent
Him from drowning
Whilst filming his
Beloved Princess romping
In the dunes
but only if
a good crowd
Has gathered to
Rate the performance
Of Dees limboing
And flexible body
As it contorts
To provide maximum
Thrust for the
water pistol that
the pet name
For her favourite
Part of his
Anatomy which he
He kept covered
Until dee arrived
To uncover Jon's
Darkest secret which
was his beer
and fetish for
black pudding and
Pretty ewes with
A nice tight
fitting scarf around
its neck for
That warmth that
Dave is craving
In the cold
Nights where Dave
Can't even raise
his leg to
kick the cat
From next door
Because it was
peeing everywhere but
It made his
Rhubarb taste like
A British rail
Sandwich that was
Prepared by Bob
For his travels
Around the world
In eighty days
where he visited
All the local
Blackburn supporters club
Members that have
Good memories of
Proper fried chicken
That comes from
The Venkys finest
Management and motivation
Course which causes
Them to perform 🐓
Perverted acts with
anyone that has
a northern accent
With a union
Card tattooed on
On Daves arm
Signifying that he
Was Corbyns admirer
and always attended
His birthday party
At union House
And quaffing champagne 🥂
with mini sausage
Rolls stuck up
His tanned bum
to tempt seagulls
away from his
Bag of chips 🍟
And jellied eels
Washed down with
Earl grey which
Only discerning palates
Can taste anything
Other than dish
water which was
infested with strange
Droppings from his
Syrup that hadn't
Been washed for
Paul before he
Wore it out
On the headboard
Which annoyed the
Other shoppers in
Dave waitrose store
in the heart
Of Seven Sisters
Wherever that is
in North London
Where mighty Arsenal
Ply their trade
With great success
And low standards
Are not tolerated
so they bribe
the match officials
When playing Spurs
Who inturn bribe
Their players not
To continuously dive
But it isn't
Working because they
Bought their trunks
And water wings
from the Chinese
shop where the
Cheapskate cockeneees shop
For all the
best bargains that
Includes plastic syrups
Which makes one
Especially for Dave
To make him
Even more handsome
than Jon who
models for muppets
From sesame street
Noting his best
Trait is his
ability to use
his wonderful wit
To charm his
Way to get
His wicked way
with all the
girls with plentiful
Price lists for
Perms for their
Beautifully conditioned hair
In the nether
Region of Yarkshire
Where they grow
Restless in the
Naturist sand dunes
Where jon and
And his harem
Frolick with gay
Abandon while they
decide whether to
shave his little
Hairy bottom whilst
being careful not
To upset Dee
by showing too
Much of his
Black pudding filled
With old tenners
Which are not
Legal tender but
Jon`s sentimental instincts
And Yorkshire trait
Of not spending
A brass farthing
on anything illegal
Because he's a
very honest gent
And his Princess
Loves his old
rusty bike that
They both ride
Around Corralejo dunes
then stop for
a frisky frolic
In the stone
Circles where she
Necked back Baileys
As though it
Was happy hour
At the beach
Cafe at breakfast
Time with Dave
enjoying his eggs
Benedict and Earl
Grey tea carefully
Poured by his
long suffering wife
Who tolerated his
scrooge like tendencies
At the local
Waitrose café where
The coffee is
Served in small
cups but he
Preferred a bucket
Of champagne because
He was megaloaded
but always claimed
He is skint
Despite having mansions
House invitation for
a champagne party
For his pussies
to get special
Attention from the
fine upstanding fellow
that was Bob
before he joined
The communist party 🎉
Creating havoc by
Always being on
Picket line duty
Affecting the paying
Suffering public because
They are unable
To get to
Work or home
Without Bob's guidance
they would get
Rather angry and
drive instead but
The petrol prices
Being sky high
use pedal power
Just like Fred
Flintstone in his
new trainers with
His beloved Wilma
And his dinosaur
skin Sunday best
Slippers he looked
very silly but
He didn't care
after 10 vodkas
Made him lose
All his inhibitions
And admit his
Need for alcohol 🍺
was much greater
after watching Blackburn
Slaughter a chicken
In the name
That cockerel game
Would be played
At half time
In the snow
if they could
Think of a
Nice recipe that
Dee could turn
out for the
Men on the
Razzle in Coralejo
And enjoy the
Bingo with Jon
Dee while they
Whisper sweet nothings
under the stars
With the moonlight
Shimmering brightly on
until the power-cut
Put them in
A panic searching
for some batteries
For her latest
toy that Jon
Loves to use
With his Princess
In the stone
Circle love nest
Which they have
made their home
So that they
could invite Bob
To buy them
a round of
high strength viagra
Now its available
In super strength
For limp northerners
From West Yorkshire
Who try to
Educate Lancastrian numpties
on how to
Woo a Princess
without spending brass
Or shouting does
add to his
Rustic charm which
He learned from
Years of experience
exaggerating his performance
As the fat
Controller takes notes
About his prowess
that he uses
to find the
Essex chicks who
take pity on
Poor old pensioners
Who get wet
Whilst playing golf
And enjoying the
Craic with northern
Neglected women who
wish they had
Romped with Dee
In the dunes
with their favourite
Toys which they
Bought from Dave's
Ann Summers catalogue
With special offers
ought with birthday
Money she got
from her admirers
In West Yorkshire
Swingers society chairman
whose name was
Ronnie the bull
Before switching allegiance
To the champions
with plastic supporters
Who celebrate success
Having never been
Within 50 miles
Of their ground
Because true supporters
Only watch games
whatever the state
Of the pitch
or meat pies
That are served
With lashings of
Curry sauce which
Keeps them warm
And keeping awake
Due to excessive
Diving and cheating
Taught by Delle
Coach Raheem Sterling
But alas today
The ref missed
A blatant penalty
And sending off
Valencia for dangerous
Passes causing Spurs
scars on legs
And misses the
the ball by
Just one millimetre
to the left
of his right
Big toe causing
swollen testicles and
Other manly injuriez
Which restricts his
Ability to dive
in the bath
And shout penalty
When somebody pulled
The plug out
Leaving the diver
Floundering in the
Sludge from the
Muddy pitch which
Was stuck to
Dee's best stilettos
Whilst trying to
Assault the mechanic
Who arrived later
Than he should
To fix her
luxury BMW sport
With fluffy dice
And nodding dog 🐶
With go faster
Stripes down the
Side and personalised
Nimber plate so
he still didn`t
Wipe his shoes
and they smelt
Of Baileys poo
that littered the
Orwell bridge causing
a major diversion
Which meant Dee
swore and stamped
because it took
So long to
along Bramford Lane
on my way
To work at
Ann Summers Ipswich
Branch selling all
The toys that
Any woman could
Use to enhance
her way with
scrambling her eggs
And whipping her
Into a frenzy
Like when Sally
Met dave in
The Wild Man
Swingers club in
Sproughton where they
live life on
Cocaine and cigarettes
Free clean living
In carrot land
Where the yokels
Educate northern numpties
on how to
Tell the time
As they are
Always stoned by
Vicious southern numpties
With Rolex watches ⌚ï¸
Which fell off
That dodgy bridge
Into Dee`s Morrisons
but the Northerners
Finest quality supermarket
with stale produce
Donated to Waitrose
For any riffraff
From Ipswich to
Transport to Yorkshire
Then to Lancashire
wherever that is
North of Watford
In God's land
of inbred families
Who notice landmarks
As they have
Three eyes per
The cockeneee norm
none of us
are cockneys so
Jon can go
Back to school
And learn to
appreciate southern culture
And speak proper
And good manners
Unlike southerners who
Are born perfect
For the climate
And are impeccable
Mannered due to
The perfect genes
And upbringing that
Is the norm
in these parts
Creates cockeneeeeee thugs
who rough up
The northern numpties
because they all
Are superior beings
compared with dogs
From scummy Suffolk
Road in Preston
Which doesn't exist
because its called
by the locals
Railwaysona strike road
Full of chavs
From Chaveta where
they only wear
Union Jack shorts
And knotted handkies
Ont golf course
Wearing Blackburn shirts
And lederhosen shorts
Driving Ford Kugas
Down the back
Of the strip
Where Chavs hang
their City scarves
just in time
For the dustman
to take their
Source of food
which consisted of
rancid black pudding
Plus Pontefract cakes
and plenty of
weak Yorkshire beer
For proper men
With alcohol intolerance
Above southern softies
who like to
drink real beer
With no head
Artificially created like
their sense of
Humour which is
like their wallets
Zipped tight so
Even Dee can`t
get a drink
Unless she wears
Her polka dot
Skimpy bikini which
Disappears when she
Romps in the
dunes with her
Favourite song playing
On Jon`s cassette
Which he lets
Dee listen to
but only if
She shows him
how to perfect
The Essex accent
Which he doesn't
quite understand when
They are drunk
but Dee doesn`t
doesn't get inebriated
Every day contrary
to everyones belief
spread by Jon
During his drunken
After a bender
in Otley with
His mate Bob
Putting right the
bent tory voters
And militant unionists
Wrecking the country
And the railways 🚃
because they always
do as little
as possible because
the pay isnt
Earned by lazy
Work shy Cockeneees
Or tight northerners
From Blackburn who
Holiday permanently on
everyday that they
Are on strike
designing new timetables
That are management
Created and useless
being nobbled by
Ryanair who are
Old at extracting
all your information
And bank notes
If you don't
understand their rules
Or buy food
From their surly 😡
trolly dollies they
Train to offend
Us poor customers
Who break all
The rules of
Being human beings
And wanting to
board much quicker
with hand luggage
Maxed to the
Limit with stilettos
And tight sweaters
To show off
Jons very big
Beer belly which
was getting too
close to his
Bar preventing him
Reaching his beer
To celebrate Yorkshire
Victory over Essex
Despite playing reserves
With no experience
And bent umpire
who liked to
Put his finger
Up Cook's bum
in Yorkshire tradition
Along with whippet
Racing and black
pudding eating contests
which ended in
Tears when Dave
got food poisoning
From the contaminated
northern garbage that
they try to
Pass off as
Proper man's grub
making them impotent
But still better
Than severe brewers
who always manage
To upset Dave
by overcharging for
His favourite tipple
Peroni in the
Cocktail bar that
The best people
In Caleta use
To buy dope
round the back
Of the Atlantico
In the stone
bunkers set up
By Chaveta's chavs
To hide invading
Drunken Bradford folk
With Essex chicks
Who are up
Skirting in secret
Places with little
regard for the
Dignity of the
Knobbly kneed Scotsman
In his kilt
who doesn`t wear
A sporran when
It's snowing heavily
So his snowballs
kept melting when
He sits too
Close to the
BBQ in pub
garden up North
Where cockney Jon
Teaches the locals
how to speak
Just like t'Queen
In pearly suit
and jellied eels
With his trouble
And strife beside
The Eastenders bar
Supping real ale
Not northern bilge
which tastes like
Sheep dip that
rots your boots
And southern brains
are much brainier
And work faster
to determine if
They wear wigs
On bald heads
In the winter â,,ï¸
in his onesie
because he felt
Waitrose coffee was
for discerning palates
Only and not
for the Northerners
In flat caps 🧢
And donkey jackets
in this heat
But because we
Are daft as
Brushes and can`t
Talk proper like
Good Essex boys
we decide to
Bully poor Bob
As he is
planning a strike
To ruin southern
Trips to Wimbledon
Where they quaff
Champers by the
gallon and eat
Manky old strawberries
while Cliff sings
In the rain
On Henman hill
looking like old
Max Bygraves on
the way out
with Jon to
Eat black pudding
For his complexion
which was very
Wrinkled and smelled
of wet dog
Which isnt a
Great advertisement for
A crooning cockeneeeeee
with a voice
That sounds like
Dee after eight
Large tia Maria`s
At the Karaoke
Bar where she
Hogs the stage
In her fishnet
Stockings and high
heeled cowboy boots
With her whip
And Dolly Parton
Massive white wig
to cover her
Modesty as much
As she could
before revealing her
Innermost secrets to
Her Northern admirer
Who drools over
Her every word
And adores her
Southern Country accent
Even though he
Doesn't understand a
Queens English speaker
Just like Dave
who pronounces his
vowels perfectly like
A true northerner
Who speak correctly
Which is rare
For tractor boys
that always notice
their six fingers
which they try
To hide by
biting their nails
And sticking their
thumbs up their
Noses to see
If they have
Any brains left
After supping weak
tea and eating
Big Macs and
Pigeon pie with
Other Ipswich yokels
on the train
With Bob who
Drinks it dry
Then throws up
over Jon's favourite
Sheep skin coat
Which makes Bob
Look like Shaun
Wooing a Welsh
Sheep he fancies
With sexy eyes
And a welcoming
Smile which turns
into a more
A come on
Surprising the sheep
Who is particular
To black pudding
but also likes
Playing with Bobs
cute little puppies
He obtained from
the strange man
On the train
with no guard
Because he was
trying to arrive
without buying a
valid ticket for
Best friend Jon
Who buys Bob's
Expensive strawberry cider
With a cocktail
On a regular
Basis because he's
A right tight
Wad of money
which he carries
In his manbag
with his other
Girlie accessories which
He bought from
His union leader
when they visited
His local pub
Which Bob frequents
When he should
Be collecting tickets
but he can`t
When he's inebriated
because he can`t
See the tickets
But hey striking
Is more Bob's
Style causing havoc
Amongst the passengers
Giving him amusement
And a thumping
Headache after banging
A little Hungarian
In the toilet
before dave could
Take a turn
At his pert
bum always poking
Out of his
Leopard skin shorts
With golf ball
Sticking out of
his golf bag
To excite him
to post on
Dee,s humping day
About Dagwoods multi
person account on
The forum which
All professional trolls
Are invading to
Offend and annoy
Anyone north of
Lands end with
A pulse and
A sense of
Humour that can't
Sour the cream
Of the numpties
From up north
On general chat
That are winding
Each other up
but us drossers
Above such juvenile
Behaviour and remain
above all the
most respected people
In East Anglia
And south east
Yorkshire know best
but us down
South know better
Than the numpties
that live up
In leafy Norfolk
Who slap Yorky
Cheeky boys down
In their dreams
thinking that they
Are proper men
But in reality
They fancy sheep
With pretty faces
And nice woolly
coats that need
A trim and
And blow job ::)
From a hairdryer
Provided by the
West Yorkshire friends
Of alcoholic Lancastrians
Who wander around
knowingg their better
than East Anglians
At causing fights
With southern softies
With iron fists
In sheepskin gloves
And boxing trunks
For extra effect
Before inflicting pain
On a cockroach
Infested black pudding
Consumed by the
Ravenous Yorkshire lads
Who'd eat owt
When it`s free
Like Waitrose coffee
Used to be
For the elderly
But now only
For rich pensioners
With syrups who
Live in East
Anglia with the
Finest people unlike
The northern oiks
Always drunk and
Winding people up
About cockeneeeeee softness
Being loyal friends
Handsome, intelligent and
Not sheep shaggers 🐑🐑
Like the northern
Members of the
I love ewe
Club in Bradford
Who`s president is
Jon (the ram) 🐑
A fine upstanding
Character with morals
Of an alley
Wise and worldly
Tibetan monk who
donates his time
To racing pigeons
But usually loses
The race by
taking too long
Preening himself before
gettng his birds
So drunk they
Fall off the
barstool into his
glass of Amaretto
the size of
The last cup
left on the
Dolly Parton bra
had shrunk to
A large marquee
In Dave's garden
With champagne flowing
and cucumber sarnies
With no crusts
Which he devoured
Before rescuing Jon
on his crutches
From the pain
Of watching Manchester
United play against
The girl guides
but on the
Promise of a
meet up later
He buys a
Triple vodka for
the whole group
Of like minded
Numpties who prefer
to romp in
The sand dunes
Pulling a muscle
At the vital
point of entry
To the special
area which is
Kept only for
The biggest members
Of the forum
but excludes the
dross section because
Of a shortage
Brexit chat which
provides a soapbox
For the numpties
who think they
Know everything about
The intricate workings
Of a northern
Working mans club
Where Bobs comrades
love tory boys
Sensible outlook unlike
The raving loonies
from deepest Suffolk
Who play golf 🏌
With Bob`s nuts
Instead of using
His usual balls
But has we
Know Tory boys
It will hurt
When he gets
A three iron
Shoved up his
Ample derrière which
Is available for
His red mates
To abuse at
the numpties that
Think they are
Running the country
From their keyboard
Where insults are
Two a penny
About Brexit and
naked ramblers on
Dee's sand dunes
Showing off their
smooth shaven bits
With lashings of
shaving gel which
Jon lovingly applies
To his princess
on her parts
That give him
the most pleasure
and please his
Strange little fetishes
Behind closed doors
With his Princess
who prefers to
Dress up as
A pearly Queen
or naughty nurse
To please the
Back pains that
Can hamper proper
Northern blokes with
Certain dysfunctions in
the southern numpties
body regions where
they like to
Moan about everything
and price of
Car petrol consumption
Eroding chaps pensions
and golfing days
In wet weather
because his holes
in his shoes
Add to his
Level of desperation
Causing him to
Shank his wedge
Into the clubhouse
Hitting the lady
right in the
Delicate area of
the stud bar
Where Dave was
Generously buying the
Round at last
after trying to
Dodge for years
Protecting his meagre
little wallet that
Hasn`t seen a
twenty pound note
since he retired
Forty years ago
After his demob
From the scouts
And the brownies
Liked to play
Doctors and nurses
Bandaging Daves little
Finger dislocated grabbing
A free coffee
From the Waitrose
Help yourself machine
where they dish
High quality beverages
From third world 🌎
countries where Bob
Visits to frequent
And drink dry
their supplies of
Anything containing alcohol
Because he likes
the challenge of
Quadruple vodkas with
A whiskey chaser
but only after
four course meal
In business class
where he doesn`t
Waste any time
In supping up
all the free
Ale and vodka
And being ambidextrous
And limp wristed
When he has
to locate his
Well hidden wallet
That he leaves
Securely locked in
A concrete bunker
in deep dark
Preston where the
Local inhabitants always
try and avoid
washing or showering
Unless it's Christmas
And leap year
where they go
to the car-wash
In mass to
Maximise the investment
of under hand
Dodgy northerner attitude
To all things
That concern the
Personal hygiene that
they had forgotten
To use when
cleaning the pigeon
loft out with
Daves old undies
Whilst moaning about
his miserable pension
And all referees 😂âš½ï¸
Arsenal supporting crooks
who don`t agree
With Daves biased
sensible informative observations
Which is a
Rare attribute amongst
Desperate Spurs supporters
who like to
Appreciate stylish play
but Harry Redknapp
Is the hero
In the jungle
after he won
Jam rolly polly
After all the
cockroaches, worms and
And spurs tickets
Which are priceless
because no one
Can buy them
From dodgy spivs
down from Yorkshire
Laughing at cockeneees
Pure wit and
Good nature above
All superior intelligence
That's from Suffolk
and now Norfolk
where they try
not laughing at
The local accent
And poor grammar
Of the carrot 🥕 🥕
Crunchers with six
Fingers from north
Yorkshire and Lancashire
Where unobservant southerners
with interesting lives
Edit three words
Because maths isnt
Their strong point
When dealing with
Just three words
Or grumpy northerners
who spend Christmas
Baiting poor pensioners
Wearing old syrups
of finest quality
that they bought
when he was
In East Ham
Market buying his
New flat cap
And jellied eels
For Xmas dinner
Is an aphrodisiac
Which is essential
After a session
On Daves sherry
Laced with brandy
And vintage port
From the Waitrose
Because he's posh
And mega minted
Hates ASDA riff-raff
From up north
Who remember to
Take their own
Luxury jellied eels
To bed with
To add spice
To Dave's lovelife
And hectic life
In Waitrose supping
Earl grey tea ☕ï¸
And free coffee
For the elderly
Discerning shopper who
like to relax
with a nice
Incontinent pad to
Polish the windows
Instead of wearing
Out his sponge
On rubbing his
Best set of
False teeth he
Found on the
Waitroses floor in
Trap two of
The gents toilet
Where these cockenees
Hang around frequently
Hoping to pick
A few tips
From Harry about
scoring many goals
unlike Ipswich who
Couldn`t hit a
Barn door with
Banjo and will
carry on losing
until Bradford visit
To thrash them
Showing how soft
Southerners really are
on the pitch
like dirty Leeds
who try to
bite the ankles
Of little Cockeneees
But get slapped
With jellied eels
covered iron bar
Used by thugs
From the Lane
Behind Elland Road
where they hide
Frightened cockeneeees who
Use superior intelligence
To scam coffee
Off the poor
Arsenal supporters who
are tighter than
Dave which is
Because poor pensioners
Need all the
Freebies and charity
because they always
Cry the poor
misunderstood upright citizens
Who fought for
well deserved and
Quality free coffee
For the pensioners
To enjoy whilst
Doing their shopping
In charity shops
Looking for cheap
Birthday presents for
his northern mates
Who appreciate finery
Of jellied eels
And tripe washed
Down with a
lovely jug of
Proper Yorkshire ale
with 80% water
Which is incredible
But ekes out
Daves gut which
poisoned by the
Rancid southern ales
Tampered by a
Rancid jellied eel
that he found
In Jon`s lunchbox
Which belonged to
A small person
From Suffolk who
Drove a tractor
Into Orwell bridge
Delaying poor Dee
On her journey
To work for
And nail appointment
And a quick
Rub down with
Deep heat to
Reach the parts
That other potions
Only start to
Make her itch
And disrupt her
Lap dancing career
So she decided
To modify her
Ample bosom to
Avoid knocking over
The Orwell bridge
Causing major blockages
In Dave's backpassage
Through kesgrave to
Darkest blackburn where
Bob`s picket line
Is a permanent
Fixture causing mayhem
For the paying
Customer who suffers
Delays and cancellations
On a regular
Basis by Marxist
Activists causing the
Country to rebel
Against poor Bob
Who is oblivious
sipping his VAT
In Thailand where
The booze flows
Down his Gregory
Making him sing
Like a ladyboy
Accompanied by Jon
On bass guitar
Singing on Ilkley
Moor bar tat
A northern classic
Sung by the
Local youths who
Switch team allegiance
To Manchester City
Then Liverpool before
Settling on both
Teams in Manchester
And in Liverpool
Or Madrid when
In Spain which
Jon has known
As his favourite
Place to get
Cheap ale and
Free crisp and
Invites Dave along
With his syrup
He bought for
A couple of
Quid on EBay
So that he
Had enough money
For his trips
Over the Orwell
Bridge when open
In perfect weather
With no wind
To force its
Closure antagonising Dee
Who has disappeared
Leaving us all
At a loss
As to what
Do with our
time now she :P
Has had Glen
To keep her
Occupied with domestic
And other chores
which makes her
Forget her forum
And her admirers
And troll up
Top who she
Tried to tame
To no avail
There is no
Sense or reason
For her to
Leave us all
In an anticipated
Thought about her
Nail appointment or
Her dog walk
to the pub
To meet her
Sugar daddy Jon
For a romp
around the back
Of the old
Bramford Road off-licence
Where they offer
Tia Maria for
half the price
Of Waitrose where
the free coffees
always come with
A rich tea
Which costs an
Arm and a
Leg over at
Dee's new neighbours
To kick him
Where it hurts
And confiscated his
Tree felling equipment
Frightening her tits
From visiting her
Bird table irritating
Our Dee who
Loves nature and
watching the birds
Fouling the car
By putting Tottenham
Stickers in the
window of boring
Arsenal cars which
Are not taxed
Or insured to
Prevent Spurs fans
from taking the
Wheels off them
and selling them
To diver Kane
Who needs banning
from the forum
unlike City cheats
And dodgy referees
giving Arsenal penalties
Because they feel
Sorry for their
Pitiful performance which
Far exceeded Tottenham`s
Team of divers
Mimicking City, Arsenal
Ladies team who
Jon supports when
They play Spurs
on the days
he eats robins
At Dees neighbours
who is a
Merchant banker who
Likes to irritate
Jon`s little princess 👸
Which makes him
Think about removing
The new neighbours
hedge trimmer and
Shoving it up
his Khyber Pass
And then Dee`s
Bailey bites his
big nose that
Sticks in the
tender nether regions
Of poor old
Next doors cat
Who suffers from
Too many nights
Listening to Dee
talking about the
next celebrity big
Brother which she
Is their biggest
Fan of the
Biggest yawn shown
Spurs where on
it has finished
For good hopefully
like Blackburn Rovers
Who are also
A pile of
Rubbish who deserve
Supporters like Jon
Who yo-yos between
Spurs and Arsenal
When City lose
Which is rarely
with bent referees
who don`t see
Daves biased observations
are in denial
That rubbish Spurs
Who are honest
Of spelling correctly
When feeling tired
And discreetly changing
Jon`s views on
Where cockeneeees live
As greatly superior
because they always
Use dodgy bridges
to deter northern
Rapers and pillagers
And Man City
Are absolutely awesome
At spending money
From oil barons
Breaking UEFA rules
By winning everything
By buying it
instead of selling
The northern cheats
loads of stupid
flat caps and
Ruling southern softies
Saying nasty things
about us Southern
Softies with dodgy
Yorkshire mates who
Have dodgy Lancashire
Mates who always
Strike rather than
Transport southerners from
the Orwell Bridge
When it closes
and creating chaos
For all those
Ipswich folk who
Have nasty colds
and need to
Have sympathetic friends
Which are hard
Hearted and cruel
From the south
Of Preston where
Proper folk live
Free from any
caring bones in
Their inbred bodies
About southern commuters
that have lost
The will to
Live up north
Where flat caps
Whippet racing and
dominant women telling
Poor downtrodden Dave
he should bet
Jon is under
The Orwell bridge
A wannabe cockney
Built the dodgy
M25 ring road
Causing more mayhem
Confusing northern travellers
Who are escaping
Bleak Yorkshire life
To live in
An Essex paradise
With his Princess
and shower her
With foam burst
Out of his
big hose that
Is well worn
And sun burnt 🥵
With barnacles causing
A terrible itch
Like being bitten
By rabid whippet
Which he put
Down the pit
To find his
Missing flat cap 🧢
And black pudding
A northern delicacy
Enjoyed by cockeneeees
With their breakfast
that they eat
Like a peasant
because they haven`t
finesse like southerners
Who devour eels
And other gourmet
Dogs dinners like
lobster thermidor garnished
With mushy peas
Washed down with
Rubbish flat beer
From Tetley brewery
The north`s premier
Mouthwash that is
Better than London
water from the
Thames which tastes
Like Jon`s favourite
tipple from the
Guiseley Coopers Bar
Which really is
scraping the bottom
On rough seats
Which is really
Bad for his
Farmer Giles on
top of his
itchy bum which
gets bigger by
the time he
finishes his breakfast
Quote from: DaveW on April 24, 2019, 08:47:17 AM
Guiseley Coopers Bar
How do you know that?
Finishes his black
Quote from: Ronnie The Blue on May 01, 2019, 16:36:09 PM
Quote from: DaveW on April 24, 2019, 08:47:17 AM
Guiseley Coopers Bar
How do you know that?
Finishes his black
Looked it up on google :)
Pudding with beetroot
Only been in twice ;D
True northern delicacies
That repulse southern
Heathens who don't
Poison their bodies
Just their minds
With mindless drivel
from the Northerners
who never consider
Eating whippet pie 🥧
because it tastes
Like a toilet
Seat covered in
Pigeon loft scrapings
To uneducated Cockeneees
But in reality
They are thick
As the northern
Deluded fools who
Support Blackburn Rovers
And switch allegiances
To the greatest
Bunch of cheats
Outside of White
Hart Lane where
Spurs get robbed
By dodgy refs
And theatrics by
Most Spurs players
Pushing over players
Assisting their thespian
Dives and acting
Like a fairy 🧚â€â™€ï¸
after a night
Out with Dave
in Caleta where
The gay scene
Is rife on
The Bradford flight
To Gran Canaria
Swigging back scotch
To numb the
Pain of being
Sore around the
Starfish after being
Speared by a
Bent cockeneeeeee who
Was fishing for
Compliments from Bob
Who was on
Strike disrupting the
The Brexit negotiations
And supping vodka
And cheap cider
While planning his
Next escape away
To exotic places
Like Preston, Burnley
And leafy Suffolk
Where the cream
Has moved north
Into neighbouring Norfolk
Where the locals
Laugh at northern
Supremacy and whinge
About the cheats
At Spurs where
City`s blatant handball
Made Dave rant
Until he became
Obsessed with ref's
balls which always
Caught Daves eye
When the experts
Couldn`t see them
because they were
counting the bribes
for spurs to
Reach the champions
League final where
everyone drops their
eyes in disbelief
at the price
Of bagels in
Petticoat Lane where
Dave frequently plays
The piano with
His feet and
Chas and Dave
greatest hits playing
in the background
And Jon on
The skiffle board
unable to see
through his dark
Glasses which he
bought from the
Looky looky man
On the beach 🏝
Sunning his finely
Toned body with
The Essex girls
Swooning at his
Massive wallet and
Fake Rolex watches
That Paul sells
From his scooter
Club in Caleta 🛵🛵
To boost mobility
especially after downing
San Miguel`s by
Singing at Gala
Bingo where Dee
tries to win
A cuddly toy
To hide her
Modesty whilst on
holiday in the
and dunes with
The Corralejo swingers
Who frolic with
unbounding energy and
abundant stamina which
Was well appreciated
By dee who
likes to watch
In a mirror
Whilst dancing to
Jon singing karaoke
On Ilkley moor
While playing spoons
In the kitchen
Knocking up a
yorkshire pudding mix
For his special
Ferret that he
Named after Dave
Silva after his
Midfield superstar scored
With a blonde
In the dunes
And filmed by
Jon on his
Camcorder to broadcast
To all Yarkshire
Where they enjoy
A good chuckle
And weak ale
Imported from Suffolk
Specially for Yorkshire
Pallets that are
The most discerning
For weak beer
And cheap food
Like black pudding
A national delicacy
which tastes like
Jon's shorts after
A vindaloo curry
With extra chillies 🌶
For proper men
who can`t handle
number two southern beer
And no style
because they wear
drainpipe trousers and
Flat cap 🧢 with
Hush puppies and
Talk in a
A posh way
When chatting up
Essex chicks in
Freeport Braintree which
is full of
cheap and nasty
brain dead cockeneeees (ftp://brain%20dead%20cockeneeees)
Produce from Yorkshire
where they always
Like to show
their prize carrots
And huge melons 🍉
Which impress the
Essex chicks who
Are under endowed
And slightly deranged
Insulting northern idiots
with words like
We love northerners
Lack of knowledge
About jellied eels
And fine cuisine
because all they
eat is junk
Food like tripe
Which is nutritious
But causes vomiting 🤮
To soft southerners
because they left
The rubbish food
strewn all over
Glastonbury where they
Think it's cool
To love Corbyn
And smoke dodgy
Baccy while spending
a penny in
Someone`s hat which
Was left on
the park bench
near the duck
Pond where the
local pigeon fanciers
From Ipswich find
Yorkshire birds chewy
leftovers that they
Give to pensioners
In Waitrose on
Mobility scooters running
Amok in the
Frozen food aisle
which always feels
Like you should
wear more clothes
Because Dee gets
A cold easily
Unlike us men
Who don`t succumb
to amorous advances
from randy northern
blokes like Jon
After a couple
Of Tadcasters finest
which makes him
Visit the toilet 🚾
With the Bombay`s
Trots after eating
Some jellied eels
A delicacy appreciated
By pensioners from
Bradford and Preston
Who prefer tripe
Teams like City
The premiership champions
In junior subuteo
Where Gareth signs
all the hunky
Left back from
Some obscure country
With dodgy Euros
that he got
Selling his old
Mother to the
looky looky man
In Corralejo where
Dee buys her
Fake Rolex and
Gucci white stilettos
for a very
Special occasion with
Jon in the
Sand dunes where
Sand gets into
Her boob job
which had cost
£50 per ounce
Of silicone to
To greatly enhance
Her ample bosum
And helps her
To attract the
Frisky Yorkshire lads
that only have
Very very small
Respect for Cockeneeeees
And Lancastrians from
Blackburn who are
always dreaming of
Free lunch and
Beer without working
Before his numerous
Freebies and holidays
To weird and
wonderful places like
Deepest darkest Peru
looking for Paddington
And his marmalade
To spread over
buttered crumpets with
Beetroot and the
garlic paste from
Daves false teeth
which he obtained
from the NHS
Christmas raffle along
with his zimmer
with go faster
stripes on the
sides to hide
the dents where
people cross his
path and get
Him very angry
Causing zimmer rage
In darkest Norfolk
Where he frequents
Some dubious places
To indulge his
Weird passion for
Tubbys jellied eels
And Cromer crabs
that you eat
While enjoying wonderful
Northern beer which
Addles the brain
Of lesser mortals
From northern parts
Of leafy Kent
Where stowaways congregate
In Paul's garden
Eating his homegrown
Cucumbers which he
was entering in
The Maidstone festival
To see if
His green fingers
Would win him
The Percy Thrower
Life time achievement
Of vegetable growing
In gooner manure
Being shined upon
His massive garden
And marrows grow
As big as
Jon's pride after
managing to withstand
A good romp
In Daves greenhouse
Destroying his tomato
Plants with his
arms flapping around
Like a demented
City supporter on
Tubbys jellied eels
And London Pride
Enabling bowel movements
that look like
Bradford on a
Proper Indian curry
Containing pedigree labradoodle
And other dog
Breeds caught wandering
The cobbled streets
of somewhere up
By Jon`s mansion
which has ten
bars and one
Gym to keep
his right arm
in tip top
Lifting condition when
he arrives in
A London pub
And generous nature
Double red card for 2 posts ;D ;D
Buys all the
drinks for his
Someone removed a post
Favourite Spurs supporter
Come on who removed a post ;D
And syrup fanatic
Paul who tore
up the tickets
To Sri Lanka
After Dave had
Pawned them for
some pot plants
For his greenhouse
Now fully anchored
In the river
Wensum where Norwich
is very close
To the slums
Of Yorkshire settlers
Who support Arsenal
Beating Spurs today
With Dave blaming
The library atmosphere
And referee who
Haven`t a clue
where they are
Going to spend
Daves pension money
Buying tv licences
Because the Tories
cant`t organise a
Freebie for pensioners
So poor dave
Had to sell
His body to
Medical science to
Investigate his marvellous
Bonce where nothing
seems to stick
Due to the
Shiney glaced bonce
that glows in
The moonlight making
him look much
Like uncle Fester
But not as
Good looking because
Hes really one
Of the muppets
That support labour
Who've got no
Shame or ideas
On what to
Wear when Jon
Tells em straight
About meeting fellow
Black pudding fans
In the morning
During their biannual
Pie eating contest
At Jons golf
Course club house
Where he and
Dee had a
Few drinks behind
The bike shed
Where Jon got
Steve`s joke book
And used every
Time he feels
the need to
Take his mind
Off of romping
where he shouldn`t
Flash his credentials
because they resemble
A button mushroom
That is well
Ravaged by excessive
drinking on the
Dunes while he
tried to save
Bob some money
To pay for
His globetrotting ways
And heavy drinking
In sober October
He really struggles
To cut out
The rancid vodkas
And cheap ale
He drinks by
An intravenous drip
but to no
Ones surprise he
Throws up all
Over Dee`s Bailey
Who instantly fell
Over the empty
cat litter tray
And banged his
Sore head on
the shelf above
the self service
Beer counter in
the hotel where
Jon secretly woo,s
Anything with a
Pair of white
generously silicon enhanced
Boobs which he
nestles his head
In the cleavage
while balancing his
pint of beer
and his black
King Dong aid
Gifted from his
Ann Summers agent
As top customer
of the month
For the twelfth
month running which
Saw their profits
rise above the
Expected level causing
The West Ham
Team to become
Paid from the
profits which were
enormous due to
Bob buying the
first round which
Is extremely rare
But norm for
For bloated plutocrats
Who travel the
most to exotic
Millionaire playgrounds that
Sell cheap vodka
To the punters
in order to
loosen their tongues
About strike actions
and life after
Not working for
the majority of
his travel packed
Adventures across the
far corners of
the world where
He causes havoc
With the local
marxist mates from
From Reykjavik where
Bob is hiding
To avoid buying
jon his favourite
Pint of beer
For the first
Time since he
left the forum
wondering where he
Fancied annoying the
Kind southern folk
that always welcome
Northern migrants to
Enjoy our hospitality
At inflated prices
In railway buffets
Where Dave and
His forgetfulness cause
Laughter with the
gullible northern folk
Who are knowledgeable
In dodging buying
Inflated southern beers
because their cards
Have been marked
Can do better
but the VAR
Highlighted the cheating
Of fraudulent cockeneeees
Who have no
Gravy on chips 🍟
or mangy whippets
or black pudding
with beetroot to
put on his
Nether regions which
helps with the
High pitch voice
That cockenees have
Perfected with practice
whilst watching the
Whippet racing in
the town of
Ipswich where the
Carrot crunchers reside
Driving their tractors
Up north to
see if they
Get any hospitality
In Jon`s bar
Full of wealthy
Striking rail workers
that never work
To enable travel
From leafy suffolk
up North to
see the peasants
From north London
Teaching the locals
How to drive
To Munich to
get proper beer
that tastes like
Hops and barley
Brewed by Angela
Rippon from the
Television studio in
North London where
Some poo programmes
with Yorkshire actors
Are cobbled together
add a mix
Of daft accents
And mean attitudes
of all the
Whinging beaten Spurs
Supporters who bemoan
their useless players
Demanding big signings
To avoid relegation
By a whisker
to the relief
Of Waitrose Dave
And his free
Buy one get
One coffee free
On pensioners day
When Dave goes
And queues up
on Boxing Day
To receive his
free edition of
The war cry
Which makes Dave
donate his winter
left overs to
Underprivileged northern folk
to knock up
A gourmet delight
Of jugged hare
And whippet tail
mixed together with
fresh beetroot and
a jar of
Tubby`s jelled eels
Washed down with
An Argentinian Malbec
which he found
In Bobs cellar
Under his mansion
Where his servants
were not allowed
Near his vodka
because it tasted
like it had
Gone completely stale
Looking like a
glass of mouldy
Weak Yorkshire ale
that resembles a
Whippets drinking bowl
although some people
It`s high class
if you live
Rainy old Bradford
where they always
Sup manky ale
Imported from southerners
Who won`t drink
Proper northern ale
Because it`s not
for real men
they would rather
Drink a lemonade
with a cocktail
With a poncy
big flowery umbrella
with a slimline
Tonic because they
worship their bodies
But fail to
Control themselves when
Jellied eels are
on discount at
Waitrose where Dave
likes to visit
On pensioners discount
For well deserved
chances to buy
A new wig
To replace his
Old cleaning cloth
that he uses
To clean his
Golf clubs and
wipe his sweaty
balls so that
He is able
maximise his length
Of time inside
The club house
Drinking earl grey
And king prawn
sandwiches with plenty
tabasco to liven
Up his little
Snack between holes
and keep him
well upholstered and
Ready for relegation
From the elite
if Storm Dennis
Continues to reek
havoc with the
Orwell bridge in
Ipswich as they
abandon the northern
Road to Essex
where the ladies
Wear white stilettos
and dance around
their handbags whilst
supping a large
Tia Maria with
Out touching the
side of the
Throat before tackling
a big juicy
Bowl of eels
which made him
A honoury cockenee
Which felt like
A step up
In his standing
Behind the bar
where he found
his favourite flat
Cap nestled on
top of the
Bar where Jon
Scrounges a beer
From skinflint Bob
Who we know
likes to dodge
Working for holidays
Away from commoners
From leafy Suffolk
Who knows nothing
About trophy cabinets
or football in
Some northern town
Because his knowledge
Of whippets and
Black pudding eating
competitions especially for
anyone that can
Understand a southerner
conversing with northern
Because intellectual northerners
Are a myth
And normally inebriated
With weak ale
Which doesnt exist
South of Watford
Because its not
fit for human
Kind,but southerners
Will eat owt
From Waitrose and
Tesco`s finest, whilst
Pretending to understand
The two metre
Ruling which doesnt
apply to some
People up north
with only Morrisons
Providing quality service
For our Jon
Who hasn't realised
The latest rules
About romping in
The deli aisle
Amongst the salami
Which gave him
A great idea
to address his
problems with Covid 19
Before he decided
To self isolate
with his Playboy
Pal called Dave
Who had strange
dreams about them
Wearing silk underwear
And wearing syrups
That were acquired
From Tubby Isaacs
The King of
All things kinky
Which Dave adoored
And visited weekly
before the lockdown
Stopped his perversion
And he had
plenty of time
To learn how
To jelly eels
but the ingredients
Are for southerners
With clean rivers
but full of
Shopping trolleys and
Baileys dog poo
Because dee drops
Her guard when
She sees the
local heart throb
Ed Sheeran walk
around the corner
To caress her
Ears with his
Mop of ginger
hair that had
Just been conditioned
with a luxurious
concoction obtained from
The lucky lucky
Man in Ipswich
Who sold some
flashing bits of
Bling for her
To wear on
Her night out
With her best
Sand dune buddy
Who wanted to
See tan lines
But she didnt
Dare show them
because it would
Get jon all
Excited that he
Was able to
Ogle her little
But perfectly formed
Pair of bronzed
Knee caps which
won the knobbly
Knee competition in
Clacton on sea
By the pier
Where Dave spends
all his money
On jellied eels
And golf balls
at Waitrose where
They give free
Coffee to poor
Old age pensioners
From leafy Suffolk
Living in Norfolk
No free coffees at present due to the coronavirus 😡
Eating his turkey
and leek soup
Before going to
Play a few
Hole at the
Exclusive golf club
For moaning Cockeneeeees
where they give
Lessons in moaning
To jose Mourinho
Who is the
Spurs latest whinger
who manages to
Get them relegated
In Jon`s dream
Of the future
Which involves more
Holidays in England
because Covid 19
But we aren't
Doing the right
Thing visiting Yorkshire
when we should
Be Fuerte bound
To enjoy a
Beach café breakfast
Of sausage bacon 🥓
egg,beans and
A bucket of
Fizzy Spanish lager
To wash it
Down the drain
to clear them
Ready for the
The next storm
Which is expected
Any time now
Soaking the BLM
With lots of
Spray paint to
Nearest statue that
Represents our history
from the year
Before snowflakes arrived
With their woke
Of valuable assets
That mean nothing
at this time
To most people
Don`t worry about
The stupidity of
People from Essex :P
because they are
As thick as
Three Yorkshire chaps
Are super intelligent
Folk in Norfolk
They are dopey
Sleepy, grumpy plus
Moan about refs
And cheat at
Any game they
Are useless at
Try to lose
when playing strip
poker with the
Other beach revellers
From the Bradford
Side of Romford
Dog track where
The hoardes gathered
Wondering what the
Kennel maid was
Doing with the
Great Dane behind
Bailey waiting to
Have a sniff
at the corner
Of the turd
called Charlie up
To sniff his
Oral bollsh1t that
Ivafrontallabotomy lost his
Nigelfarageish outlook on
Running out of
Friends because of
His brainless attitude
Towards all of
Good folk from
The dross section
Who know what
Friendly banter is
Not getting abusive
At every opportunity
he acts like
A complete loser
That he is
Hey Guys, anyone heard from Bob? I sent him a PM just to make sure he`s ok after the shock news.
I heard he was a bit tearful. Anyway, if you happen to speak to him tell him I was asking.
Big hugs all round
A keyboard warrior
that needs to
Go to the
top of the
Class for his
Two times table
You`ll like this. I`ve been doing a bit of work calculating the IQ of the Drossers section & have discovered that should you add together the total IQ of all posters on Son of Dross you still only have a double digit score less than 100. It`s as if human intelligence has been reversing here & clearly demonstrates mental retardation. Fascinating stuff.
Luckily for you I`m here now and have already increased your combined IQ to genius just by adding my own score.
P.S Don`t mention it to Bob but he scored a negative figure on his IQ test. At least he`s got an excuse what with the half brain issue. What`s your excuse?
Results which were
Quote from: Ronnie The Blue on July 08, 2020, 22:37:14 PM
Results which were
Combined Son of Dross IQ Score of just 78 I`m afraid which does make you all mentally retarded. Although as a side note, that was expected.
Too complex for
Some idiots to
Comprehend being that
Stupidity might run
Through their ramblings
And family members
That usually plead
Insanity at every
Question of the
Simplest to understand
but what do
They really know
About anything concerning
The friendship on
Dross which we
Are all proud
Of the friendly
Nature of all
concerned where we
Support each other
because idiots are
Not welcome down
In the affluent
In knowledge and
How to behave
With the royalty
From leafy Suffolk
Where gentle folk
are always polite
And shop at
England`s finest establishments
Like Waitrose and
Any charity shop
With free coffee
For old age
With his dodgy
Syrup that flies
Off his head
Attacking a red
Faced Dee who
Whacks it with
Baileys large apendix
Which was removed
When he farted
Over her pint
Of Tia Maria
With her cornflakes
Which she has
Most mornings before
hanging out the
Fishnets and other
enticing bits for
The neighbours to
Take pictures of
Them and post
To the man
Who likes to
perv over them
In his Yorkshire
Neighbourhood where its
Not safe to
venture out without
A few pints
Of finest ale
In a brown
Coloured pint jug
With a creamy
Head that has
Jon slavering all
The way to
The gents because
he can`t hold
His beer because
he drinks too
Much when he
hard already over
The limit for
Driving the golf
Cart around the
Course in Bradford
Knocking over Dave
Sending his wig
Flying into the
Nearest Waitrose where
They cleaned the
Trolleys with the
Finest products recommended
by bumbling Boris
Who's Charlies best
Mate or maybe
His bum chum
together they like
To have fun
winding up people
Who bite but
Hes not fit
To wipe Bob`s
Union card which
Is well used
On a ballot
slip as he
Always votes to
Strike with his
Comrades who idolise
Striking at a
Slovak using his
Best mate chas
As a battering
Ram on his
Big back doors
Which guarded his
pie and pint
breakfast special that
He got from
MacDonalds on his
Way from the
Local Masonic meeting
In leafy Ipswich
in Dee's front
Room where Bailey
Likes to fart
Out loudly forcing
Everyone to escape
to the back
garden where they
Sniffed her washing
which smelled of
stale wee and
smoke from next
Door where a
Barbecue was cooking
something really stinky
Like rancid kippers
making me feel
Really sick and
Needing to get
a bucket incase
There is more
Reaction from the
Waste that she
Extracted after successfully
Thrashing the moron
With Bailey`s new
Squeaky bone which
Bounced off his
Very thick head
But didn`t stop
Him posting tripe
Thinking he`s hilarious
but he's really
An annoying little
Person who has
Irritated a lot
Of better people
With excellent knowledge
Of how to
Win football trophies
In one part
Of North east
London where the
Londoners only eat
Jellied eels from
Tubby Isaacs famous
for making people
Gag and feel
Invincible against northern
Beer but we
Are not discerning
At Charlie's lack
Of an IQ
Or even his
Incredible witty nature
Which is non
Existent just moronic
But always hilarious
In his own
Little twilight world
where his little
Shrivelled pickled brain
Should be left
For Bailey to
Bury in the
Compost heap where
He shat before
Eating the rancid
roughly spherical containers of Charlie
Aka the thrush. (An irritating c***)
With crocodile skin
Ah, you disappoint me Blondie, joining in with these fools and this foolishness. I`m going to ask the Daddy to get medieval on your ass.
Shoes to bite
off his left
testicle or even
The entire collection
I knew that the mere mention of testicle would get you all excited Rodney.
BTW Bob is still waiting for you to send him those photos of Dogs testicles that you took in your local park. He`s worried that his Wife finds out so make sure you send them to that secret email address he set up Bobhalfbrain@hotmail.com
Of mental reports
That trollboy charlie
After being detained
In a lunatic
Asylum finally admitted
Without his iPad
Stopping the garbage
He spouts from
His backside frequently
So much he
Thought he was
Better than anyone
Else on the
Forum but the
Caleta village idiot
Who has moved
To the lunatic
Asylum with his
Pathetic sarcastic comments
And infantile mind
And pox ridden
manky old cat
As his only
Friend who really
couldn`t be arsed
Respond to his
stupid inane conversation
That isn`t worthy
Of a reply
so best to
Just ignore the
Plonker and concentrate
On forgetting he
Ever existed so
We dont have
Tolerate his inane
Garbage that he
Spouts thinking he
is gods gift
but the ban
Should shut him
Up for a
while until he
Reinvents himself to
come back and
Annoy the hell
Out of us
but we'll just
carry on regardless
of the idiot
because we are
All friendly towards
The fine folk
that frequent the
Beautiful Yorkshire countryside
En route To
The Clacton slums
Where our colleagues
In the know
like to say
It`s the pits
where Glen delivers
To the needy
And locals in
The pubs where
they wait for
Glen to deliver
his needy supplies
To the more
thirsty men that
Make short work
Of free coffee
At Waitrose on
A small pension
Making Dave think
He can`t afford
to get a
Loaf of bread
For his lunch
instead of steak
Pie and mash
With jellied eels
Washed down with
Another free coffee
because he never
Has any money 💰
has he wants
To give Gareth
a free coffee
During half time
To boost his
chances of playing
A full minute
so he could
Afford a haircut 💇â€â™,ï¸
And alice band
So he doesn't
get hair in
His eyes when
They trip him
Up in the
shower full of
Big butch men
In shower caps
And nought else
covering their hairy
Perfectly formed and
Slightly deformed little
Old man and
Passed its sell
by date,but
But still functions
Under a pseudonym
Of watery Krabs
To try fool
Everyone but he
has been rumbled
By the drossers
and reported to
Admin for them
To deal with
As soon as
tw*ts get banned
But then reappear
again under another
Obvious name that
His tiny brain
Can only just
Be compared with
Something you tread
On after Bailey
Has ripped off
Another stinky trump
On his head
Making us all
Cheer with joy
At his demise
By eating baileys
Boneo for his
Breakfast followed by
A flea tablet
which got stuck
Up his backside
and only dislodged
When he coughed
Over his keyboard
Ruining his chances
Of appearing on
Britain's biggest loser
which would be
Hosted by Bob
And accompanied by
his best mate
From darkest Yorkshire
To make a
big Christmas cake
For his beloved
Friend from Ipswich
who doesnt eat
The marzipan and
Beetroot when she
Visits her best
Mate in her
Best white stilettos
and crotchless knickers
ignoring the post
And carrying on
If he doesn`t
Exist at all
then thats good
For us civil
People and friends
Who wont be
Quote from: dee-dee on November 30, 2020, 07:06:47 AM
ignoring the post
Man up Dee me ol mucker. It`s impossible to ignore a pair of crotchless knickers.
Responding to the
I'll take a yellow Dave ;D ;D
knobs on here
Knob Dee Knob ;D
Deserving of a
twit award from (I didn`t type twit...it changed it ::))
All us drossers
Who have very
Fine morals and
Like supping strong
Tea and eating
Jellied eels with
Tubbys special sauce
that taste like
Baileys farts with
Yorkshire puddings covered
In beef stew
gravy and dumplings
For strange southerners
Who are handsome
Down in Kent
Where they Quarantine
Thick Scottish fellows
who look like
Baileys dog poo
after he ate
Jon`s black pudding
For his Xmas
Treat after he
Received no presents
Or suggestions for
His next project
Like independence from
the corruption of
the Northern folk
Who know when
To rip off
Spurs with late
VAR decisions which
Drives Dave insane
And raises his
Syrup off his
Slice of toast
In celebration of
Arsenal getting relegated
In Daves dreams
They close down
The Emirates stadium
because of Covid
In nearby Ipswich
Orwell Bridge where
It remains closed
to stop the
Stilettos making holes
In the Lino
In Dees kitchen
where she bakes
Her isolation fodder
in her crotchless
For her family
To savour whilst
Dee self isolates
With her favourite
Dog who she
cant take out
To the park
because of the
Stupid app which
has never worked
Causing problems for
The owners of
Bails who is
very eager to
go out for
A run around
And bite Bufoon
Bill on his
Backside which he
would get some
Sense from if
he wasn't a
computer troll that
Just winds up
Lesser mortals than
us drossers who
Rise above the
Pointless drivel by
Choosing to ignore
bungalow bill who
Has a sad
life and can't
Perform with his
monkey because he
Has no friends
To play with
On his computer
he searches for
Free porn sites
Where he can
Exercise his hand
Because he's a
Horny young chap
Sandwich short of
A full picnic 🧺
And personality bypass
And very horny
with young men
And young girls
but we all
Know hes a
brainless perv who
sits behind his
Keyboard in his
grubby Alicante bedsit
Where the rats
Are so Horny
Are bigger than
His warped brain
because he has
No friends so
He tries to
Insult our friendships
but he's just
Wasting his life
As nobody will
Will converse with
blithering bungalow bill
he needs to
have a frontal
Lobotomy if they
Are to make
him more friendly
Instead of being
A jumped up
Pratt who thinks
He is hilarious
With his stupid
Boring talk about
all us drossers
In his fantasy
world he thinks
That we all
Find him funny
But have more
Sense than to
even think about
what the moron
Spouts from his
Immature brain so
let's stop talking
about the idiot
And focus on
Being friendly towards
Superior Northerners who
are best at
Everything especially when
comparison towards southerners
Are mistakenly made
To look like
Adonis and superior
To Buffoon Billy
And his SNP
Cronies who are
More brain dead
Losers just like
Buffoon bungalow Bill
The leading nutcase
and chief troll
Who fails to
be funny or
Even slightly interesting
But forget about
the time he
He had mates
before he became
A poor sad
lonely pathetic troll
That everyone ignores
but alas he
Keeps on niggling
About pathetic accusations
And infantile remarks
So we ignore
The loser and
Remain true drossers
And forever losers
That ignore insignificant
Mindless morons who
Think they are
funny but alas
He is not
Even worth a
Reply so we
Just ignore the
p.r1.ck and get
On with drossing
And talking about
Sensible things like
Whippets and flat
Cap and soft
Shandy drinking southerners 🍺
Wearing a syrup
Who recently received
A jab in
the arm so
He could forget
about going to
Golf in the
cold and get
Freeze off his
Old wrinkly nuts
off before going
To watch spurs
Get beaten by
Ipswich Town who
Dee loves to
to watch with
A bottle of
Tia Maria and
pork scratchings which
were really toenails
We`re consumed in
The public Bar
Great haste causing
a great scare
To her beloved
Bungalow bile because
He's the retard
in the village
Of imbeciles who
Are not welcome
In our section
As they are
Not worthy of
Gracing us with
with their efforts
And bad taste
In putrid comments
because we love
Nice banter and
Kind words when
Others are not
Quite so considerate
When they see
us getting along
As true friends
and everything is
Fine despite the
interruptions of the
Minor irritants that
Keep popping up
because they have
No friends to
Hang out with
Leading to insanity
And inane rambling
on numerous forums
But ignored by
everyone which must
Touch a nerve
In his tiny
Pea size excuse
For a brain
Which is reflected
By his efforts
To try winding
Up superior friend
But they are
Not responding to
the bullpoo that
He always spouts
About us good
Folk who do
Meet up in
Good spirits and
soak up the
Good vibes on
the seafront in
Corralejo at the
Beach side bar
Where Jon buys
All Bob`s beer 🍻
Being a generous
Person helping the
aged out as
Bob retires from
Working a couple
of days a
Week to go
Part time on
The picket line
With his brothers
from other mothers
Causing massive disruption
To the travelling 🧳
who shouldn't be
Wasting their time
Waiting for nonexistent
Trains with no
Drivers or guards
Or clean seats
To rest our
Weary rear ends
After a long
stressful time looking
for flights to
Deepest outer Mongolia
because we can`t
yet go until
hopefully later in
sept because boris
is starting to
Need a haircut 💇
And a swim
in the sea
Before frolicking in
The sand dunes
With his best
mate bill who
has been quiet
down here but
Posting drivel ooop
Top with other
bloody know it
All`s and Nigel
Farage admirers who
Thinks the sun
Shines out of
backside which they
Rant on about
Constantly boring every
One who reads
their drivel so
Cringing and biased
It makes us
Want to puke
All over the
Latest copy of
The Beano which
is very old
And part of
Our national heritage
With famous characters
Like Lord Snooty
And Dennis the
Menace with Gnasher
who looks like
Some women Jon
picked up at
The Cherry Tree
In her finest
Fish net stockings
And white stilettos
Rubbing her sore
Eyes after seeing
Bob buy a
an orange juice
With large vodka
Whilst refusing to
Buy Jon a
Small beer because
he cant take
the bottle back
For a refund
As he didn`t
buy it in
Waitrose where Dave
Gets free coffee ☕ï¸
At every opportunity
Because his pension
Is supplemented with
Hair restoration cream
To enhance his
Already perfect looks
but we all
Look good in
Our own eyes 👀
But in reality
he aint no
Oil painting with
bits hanging out
All over his
geraniums in the
Potting shed where
He secretly drinks
His free coffee
that he gets
At no expense
Outside lockdown restrictions
Which is ignored
because posh people
Dont believe in
Mixing with rough
or obeying the
Laws of the
government but no
Respect is shown
By northern folk
to effluent southerners ;)
Who fill sewers
With northern ale
The preferred tipple
Of northern folk
because strong ale
makes them feel
Like a southerner
Soft and whiney
because the Northeners
Are tuff and
And never complain
About useless referees
Who never give
Penalties to Spurs
Even when they
Plead with the
Linesman to give
But alas it
Was diving brilliance
From our Gareth
With his ponytail
Flowing in the
Wind behind him
Making him look
Like a girl 👧
Paul would date
On a Friday
And very grateful
To Dave for
Setting him up
In his love
Life with Gareth
By his side
Together forever`s where
England win five
Nil against poor
San Marino who
Never win at
Wembley, nor Spurs
Never win anything
Despite numerous appearances
with Harry Kane
Using his Cockeneeeee
Chums, Chas and
Dave when men
used to sing
Around a piano
Down the boozer
Before we decidef
Northerners can`t sing
Silly southern songs
About wombles who
Roam wild on
Wimbledon Common picking
On little Gareth
Throwing down rubbish
For uncle Bulgaria
To recycle into
A new syrup
because too many
Masks were found
In Daves garden
Under his old
Pension books which
Needs up dating
For his increase
To pay for
His season ticket
To the Spurs
Ladies team who
Play home games
In Daves garden
Saving him travelling
On the bus
To the capital
because Harry Kane
Was ignoring him
And Gareth was
Heading back to
Madrid for his
Bottle of honeyrum
And sitting on
His bar stool
Gave him piles
Of pork scratchings
which he munched
And broke a
Tooth causing cries
For a penalty
As he rolled
Around the pitch
Sobbing uncontrollably for
His favourite teddy
Bear to cuddle
and his blankie
To warm his
Golf clubs that
Are collecting dust
In Madrid where
He dare not
Return because he
Owed to much
To the tax
Man for his
Over inflated salary
And add ons
For his personal
Grooming aides who
Bob recommends to
Jon to use
After bathing in
The river Gipping
Whilst gagging for
His Covid test
To get his
negative result so
He could romp
In the dunes
With his beloved
Dee drinking some
honey rum and
Getting frisky with
His one and
Only glamour puss
Who's gagging for
A Tia Maria
With two lumps
Of ice to
Cool her down
After her exertions
With young Jon
Getting sand out
Of her bikini
which looks like
It only touches
Where it fits
Exposing her ample
Curves to anyone
that would like
To dabble in
The sordid world
That she likes
To dabble in
Where people get
Very excited at
Being able to
Buy alarm clocks â°
To wake up
Eary doors so
Bob doesn`t arrive
And catch jon
In the middle
Of his daily
walk along the
River Gipping for
A gagging good
Swallow of warm
Tolly Cobbold ale 🍺
On the docks
With all the
Trendy wine bars
Serving the elite
Prosecco and Pimms
In pouncy little
Thimbles that dont
Whet the whistle
Or get the
Juices flowing for
Her next gagging
Session with her
Swab test man
Who's probing swab
Reaches the parts
of the Super
Rich people who
Haven`t t worked hard
In Norfolk since
They left school
Always looking for
An open pub
Serving free beer
Since Waitrose stopped
Free coffees and
a read of
The times paper
To see how
The stock market
Is climbing to
Record highs under
The watchful eye
Of his cronies
And Jose Mourinho
Arsenals next manager
likes to play
With his trumpet
Blowing bum notes
With no class
which makes him
An ideal candidate
To buy some
Ale in Jon`s
Finest establishment which
closes when it
Sees jon approaching
because his wallet
Had been emptied
By the moths
And the elite
Of the forum
Who are needing
Ale provided by
Southern breweries that
Closed for Dee
So she can't
Stop for a
A quickie with
Valentino rossi who
She has a
Crush on because
Like him she
Is gagging for
A trip to
The local pub
In leafy Bramford
Which remains closed
so instead she
Nicked it from
The local offie
Before legging it
Back to Essex
where they like
Like to wear
Smartly unlike Yorkshire
Bar owners who
Short change their
Friends from down
The railway club
Who like a
Rip off merchant
To buy vodka
And other things
For the Elite
Of the forum
To enjoy whilst
Jon plies him
Dodgy black puddings
And free ale
Brewed from his
Own micro brewery
In his shed
At the back
Of ferret cage
And pigeon coop
And whippet kennel
Where he mixes
His magic potions
To the wonderment
Of Norfolk's tightest
Who's tastebuds were
Taken to a
New level of
Enjoyment with the
Finest Northern ales
mixed with vodka
So that the
The water evaporates
and it tastes
Like less than one's image of idealised perfection southern
Like c.r.a.p.p.y southern ;D
Lancastrian beer brewed
Which is great
For clearing drains
Or rotting guts
Of softie southerners
who drink the
Most disgusting beer
That northerners brew
By the gallon
But envious cockenees
Prefer flat rubbish
Tasting of toilet
Water with no
Northern pollutants added
To improve the
Taste of southern
Comfort imported from
America where they
Get slave labour
From leafy Norfolk
because they are
In need of
Tax free work
And free lodgings
At daves house
Where the facilities
Are palacious and
Requires COVID passports
Before being admitted
For an experience
Beyond our wildest
Dreams were you
Hand fed by
Dusky maidens in
attire that makes
Dave very frisky
But he has
A slight problem
With his dodgy
Syrup that slips
Over his eyes
Causing him to
To miss a
Handful of the
Correct referee decisions
That never seem
To please Dave
Or Peter Schmeichel
who likes to
Whinge about every
Thing under the
Sun especially referees
Who are always
Conspiring against Spurs
And denying them
the chance to
Get a point
When they deserve
Nothing at all
Because they are
Always robbed by
teams from the
The superior north
London and around
At the Emirates
Where Thursday nights
There`s nothing doing
Unless you like
Stadiums like libraries
Where silence is
Broken by noisy
vuvuzelas being blown
By the gospel
Brasher from up
Leafy Suffolk way
which is down
In the affluent
Area where Dave
Leaves his car 🚗
To be cleaned
By the local
village idiots that
Like to drop
Dog poo bags
or hang them
In the bushes
Around Dave`s mansion
With a moat
To keep out
Undesirables from outside
The emirates stadium
Who should be
Tareed and feathered
And banished to
White Hart Lane
To help Harry
With his ankle
As they keep
waiting for the
Barmaid to arrive
With his eels
For him to
Win a bit
Of respect from
The local talent
whose name is
Written on every
Newspaper in Norfolk
Where the good
Are barred from
Airing their views
About rowdy northerners
on the golf
Course thrash Dave
Within an inch
Of his wallet
Which is hidden
In his secret
Pocket under his
Syrup which is
Loosely attached to
His cranium with
Double sided tape
For extra security
To prevent it
Being stolen by
The seagulls on
Beachy head where
they always poop
And the bags
Hang from the
Palm trees on
Norfolks golden beaches
Acting as decorations
To attract the
Rooks and crows
and the Jackdaws
To peck at
his very small
Appendix which hangs
Around Burnley where
They know nothing
about the wildlife
Of the amazon
Jungle in south
America where Brazilians
Like close shaves
All over their
hairy bodies that
Makes them look
Like Dave`s shiny
Bald pallet that
could do with
A make over
From the local
Pet store in
In deepest Suffolk
Where they eat
Some strange delicacies
And speak with
That they dig
Did you 2 post at the same time ;D
Out of the
Yep lol
Mud on Clacton
Beach where eels
Like to feed
On Daves corns
Because he can't
Bend over far
Pervy northerners nearby
Who think that
boobs and breasts
Are for playing
With by the
Big dunes in
Corralejo where all
The best naturists
Literally hang out
With Dee on
The sun bed
Drinking Tia Maria
With a straw
which makes her
Feel rather frisky
Especially when she
Is reading her
Tea leaves to
Find out what
the score was
But has we
Know Dee always
is glass half
Empty,due to
her holiday being
Being on hold
Due to Covid
And the need
to test three
Samples at the
Local beach bar
Where Jon hangs
Out Dees thongs
From his teeth
To savour the
thought of never
Experiencing such an
Eyewatering sight in
The sand dunes
ever again so
His new binoculars
Will be steamed
Up all the
Time he ogles
Naked young boys
The beautiful scenery
And ignoring annoying
Comments made by
the trolls that
Frequent the dross
That have been
Reported to the
Mods so hopefully
He will disappear
Back under his
His damp rock
where he came
Creeping out from
To practice his
Charm offensive against
troll skills that
Are not welcome
In my manor
But we know
It will keep
being posted because
Admin don't seemed
To respond quickly
anymore so we
Just have to
Put up with
His fantastic humour
Ignoring his trash
And continue to
Wait for admin
To ban the
Childish troll who
thinks he's a
Bit of a
Comedian in his
own little world
Of mindless morons
And not wanted
With us intellectuals
because we are
Nice and friendly
Except when Arsenal
Beat Man City
Then jon goes
And switches to
Another team in
Liverpool where they
Go bin dipping
to try and
Get a full
Crust of bread
As their main
Source of nourishment
Before going out
And robbing unsuspecting
Bob of his
New teeth that
Cost a fortune
From Poundland and
Made him very
sore around the
Back of his
new garden shed
Where the local
Buffoon writes his
Garbage to post
On dross where
He then gets
Completely ignored by
us because he`s
a proper banker
And should be
Locked away in
the Big Brother
House with all
The posers who
Are so full
Of poo they
smell like they
Have verbal diarrhoea
And spout a
Load of tripe
because they have
Bungalow bill teaching
Them how to
Be very annoying. (polite version)
And boring the
Life out of
All the good
People on dross
Who dont give
two sh1ts about
About what he
Says about City
players because they
Are better than
the team that
Jon is supporting
At this moment
Which is Arsenal
Who are going
To play Championship
Football next season
And the library
Will be silent
As when lockdown
comes back again
To keep us
All in quarantine
Except for Bob
Who doesn't give
two sh1ts about
Keeping away from
anyone that has
Supplied his vodka
H will soon
Fall down again
And get more
when he sees
Up the skirt
Of a Scotsman
when he dances
the Highland fling
Which isn't a
pretty sight at
The best of
times because he
Never usually washes
His nether regions
That smell like
mouldy cheese sandwiches
On British rail
Served by Bob
Working overtime to
Pay for Jon`s
Plastic surgery for
him to transition
Into what jon
thinks he should
But we all
Know he`s perfect
For an operation
To remove his
Stitches from the
Wallet of Bob
That is unused
Since Blackburn won
A trophy many
Times since Bratford
Was all fields
Where the locals
Spoke the queens
English and not
Some cockeneeeeeee twang
Spoken by majority
Of them from
The slums of
Leeds where they
Keep their ferrets
Int tha trousers
To keep them
Nice and warm
now summer is
Rapidly becoming a
Thing of the
past where we
Only have to
Go to Skeggy
For the music
and the large
Breakfast in Weatherspoons 🥓🍳
where you can
Drink cheap ale 🍺
Even cheaper with
Your rail card
And a full
Wallet of vouchers
For cheap travel
PCR test service
To return to
the U.K. where
The weather is
Cold and wet
So I'm off
Ignoring the idiot
Who's childish behaviour
Is again spoiling
Our educated banter
because hes an
Absolute disgrace of
A human being
Thinking it is
Ok to abuse
Respectable drossers who
Are the salt
Of the earth
And very friendly
Towards each other
But morons always
Emerge to spout
Rubbish and bile
Which we ignore
Like the troopers
That we are
because we have
More brains than
The muppet who
keeps trying to
Wind us up
But it looks
Like hes gone
Hopefully for good 👍
because the admin
Might have got
Their act together
And got rid
The stupid obnoxious
Bore that it
Was obvious to
everyone on dross
So good news
is welcomed here
At long last
We can enjoy
Our friendly banter
With no offensive
Remarks made towards
Our fellow drossers
Who are fine
And upstanding citizens
Admiring Daves team
Fall from top
Division to the
National league south
Playing against Maidstone
United watched by
One loyal supporter
In the lounge
of his bungalow
Eating his favourite
Jellied eels with
Whelks, mussels, cockles
Washed down with
Flat southern beer
Exported to northerners
To use as
disinfectant for the
Pigeon coop that
That jon built
With his fair
Share of the
Work done by
Someone else because
he couldnt be
Bothered getting his
Hands dirty with
Meanial tasks like
Building when he
Could be supping
His homebrew which
Is made from
The finest hops
Imported from Kent
Where Paul regularly
Gets inebriated on
A couple of
Bottles of Peroni 🍻
At his local
Public house where
The hop pickers
And farmers gather
Hoping to avoid
Buying a round
For our friends
From Yorkshire who
Seem to know
Where they are
always being nosey
About Daves habits
Which are posted
In football section
Which doesn't mean
He knows anything
But still bemoans
The refs who
Dave thinks are
All against his
Beloved team Tottenham
Robbing them of
Valuable points which
They desperately need
especially when they
Are so far
Down the league
That the Championship
officials have banned
Them wearing pretty
flowery socks because
The other team
Are allergic to
very bright colours
In Dees Decorations
Are a danger
To everyone who
Happens to go
near her tree
Which is her
main attraction at
This time of
year because her
Stocking needs filling
With lots of
Tia Maria and
Covid tests for
her to swab
And send off
To not receive
The results before
The end of
the year which
Means she can't
Go away for
the purposes of
Romping in the
Sand dunes with
Anyone who likes
Tia Maria and
A rub down
With a wet
Copy of the
Playgirl weekly which
Dave can supply
because he has
His finger in
The middle of
the christmas turkey
Feeling for its
giblets,neck and
Kidney for his
Breakfast on toast
Washed down with
Some real 🍺
From the local
Brewer Tolly Cobbold
Who specialises in
Brewing weak beer
that tastes like
It should be
used to clean
The toilet cistern
to ensure that
The cistern is
kept sparkling because
It is used
for keeping spare
Syrups for emergencies
that can happen
When you drink
on New Years
Eve with your
family because you
End up having
to isolate because
Of the dreaded
Covid that keeps
On spreading like
Soft Brie on
to the top
Of Cream crackers
With a dash
Of chilli sauce
To bring out
The flavour of
All that was
Hidden beneath the
thick coating of
double cream which
is a special
Treat for the
children who like
To have it
every day for
Each meal when
healthier options are
Not an option
for anyone who
Can be bothered
to buy a
New pair of
flip flops for
Bob to wear
on his holidays
In 11 days
when he will
Be frequenting a
popular bar in
The red light
district where the
Women are likened
to very popular
Breeds of dogs
That like to
Give him a
All over lick
which tickles his
Sensitive parts that
He can't reach
with his fingers
That are so
thin and boney
Often mistaken for
the skeletal remains
Of a rare
lizard that lived
In darkest Norfolk
where strange creatures
Lurk amongst the
Stranger folks that
live in Suffolk
In mud huts
and scavenged for
Old scraps to
Give to the
Poor old pensioners
And Spurs supporters
who need a
Council tax rebate
to help them
Through the winter
when keeping warm
Clothes on would
be a better
If they just
spent their money
But has we
all know, they
Are as tight
As a yorkshireman
At a charity
fundraising event for
Lancashires old railwaymen
who are paid
A ridiculous amount
of money by
The tax payers
who don't like
The militant attitude
Of the unions
who try to
Cripple the nation
by calling a
tea break at
the crucial moment
When the train
Is about to
Depart the platform
Already half an
hour late because
Bob was still
Supping his vodka
With his comrades
in the secret
Carriage where they
stash a crate
To get them
through difficult times
Of actually working
for a minimum
8 hours per
day or night
To transport workers
backwards and forwards
At great speed
which creates a
A gust of
wind that blows
From the guards
van at the
Back of the
long line of
Coaches carrying people
to the nearby
Dole office to
sign on for
Spurs who like
To sign old
Has beens who
have no future
At a decent
Forum talking about
how bad the
Referees are when
it's the players
Who dive and
try to con
Everyone without a
clear view of
What is going
on near the
Opponents penalty area
Where Harry is
Being denied an
Excellent appeal for
Impersonating Tom Daley
but wearing a
Pair of budgie
Smugglers to fool
those who don't
Know that he
always tries to
Get other players
into trouble during
The first half
When the ref
wore the same
Pink top as
the home team
Causing confusion when
viewed from the
VAR expert causing
confusion for the
Spurs players who
like to pose
For the camera
And dive like
a trained professional
High board diver
who expects to
Get a penalty
On every occasion
to boost his
Future transfer fee
when Man City
Agree to pay
A ridiculous amount
Of peanuts for
a penalty taker
From north London
And makes light
of his critics
Who criticise his
style of play
And his lack
Of playing for
a trophy winning
Team like Spurs
will be remembered
For not winning
Anything at all
which is a
Source of laughter
to so many
At the Emirates
who like to
Ridicule the Spuds
at every opportunity
Gloating about trophies
that have been
Lost to better
teams who have
A better trophy
collection in their
Cabinet than poor
Brighton giving the
impression that they
Are going to
achieve something unexpected
But we all
know that it
Will never happen
in our lifetime
Full of disappointment
and in the
End they will
all wish that
Arsenal beat Spurs
And Harry signs
a new contract
Despite not playing
while deciding on
Manchester club to
spend his last
Days moaning about
The ref and
lack of support
From the supporters
who are fickle
And cant be
true supporters when
They just want
to win silverware
Unlike the Spurs
whose trophy cabinet
Only contains dust
gathered over many
Seasons of not
managing to achieve
The standard required
over a season
Of under achieving
even with a
Top notch manager
who will leave
Where money is
Never spent on
The new players
Urgently needed to
Challenge for the
The North London
Trophy less club
Of the year
Award for the
Emirates silent stadium
With none of
Atmosphere of a
Yorkshireman faced with
Paying for something
More than 50p
Muttering 'ow much'
Has he fumbles
Around for his
Overloaded pockets for
A few pennies
To spend on
a bag of
Soggy chips from
The local chippy
which is popular
With Volvo drivers
as they can
Get lots of
People in the
Knees in one
moment of madness
That ended up
causing a big
Hospital bill that
would frighten the
Pants off Bob
who wouldn't want
To bother the
doctors with his
Time because he
won't get paid
And it interrupts
the daily routine
Of vodka tasting
At the old
Peoples bar in
Downtown Preston where
They play dominos
in various competitions
With help from
marked dominoes and
Careful placed mirrors
that help to
Make sure that
They can see
all the spots
On the oppositions
faces behind the
Cardboard cut outs
Of Spurs finest
selection of old
Trophy cabinets which
are covered in
Fresh paint ready
for when the
Antiques road show
makes a visit
And value the
relics of the
Club which has
struggled to meet
Daves high expectations
of winning trophies
At the fairground
For many years
of throwing a
Match by playing
with inferior players
That like to
receive high salaries
And dive at
The feet of
The bent referee
who wants to
Always disallow spurs
offside positions during
Arsenal time wasting
Whilst beating Spurs
during the season
Which was a
Given at the
start of the
Match until the
final whistle is
Finally blown to
stop the tedious
Spurs moaning about
the llack of
Oscars awarded for
Constantly diving to
gain an unfair
Advantage over the
opposition who have
Always acted lawfully
With gentlemanly attitude
and showing respect
For the referee
and the VAR
Unlike some Spurs
Pensioners who always
Bemoan the referee
as they remember
The days when
Referees took bungs
to lboost their
Wages and the
press reports in
The Sun newspaper
Were always true
as reporters knew
That Spurs are
Heading for the
next round of
Relegation from the
best league in
Thursday night yawn
when it's easier
To get a
takeaway delivered by
The boy from
Tubby Issacs seafood
kiosk, located on
Southend sea front
alongside the arcade
Where Dave spends
his two pences
On the one
machine that's likely
To be vandalised
By visiting youths
who think that
Dave is a
target for abuse :o ;D
For supporting Spurs
which is understandable
Considering his opinions
And disrespect for
other London clubs
And the referees
who have difficulty
In booking spurs
Cheating, diving players
who show no
Respect for the
Laws of the
game which originated
Apparently in north
China where they
Eat with wooden
sticks that are
Made from recycled
tables and chairs
But the splinters
caused a problem
With Jon's gums
as he always
Likes to suck
anything that reminds
Him of a
his favourite lollipop
He used to
buy from the
Tuck shop at
the junior school
Where he excelled
At playing netball
during games classes
With the girls
who liked to
Tease Dave as
he was the
Only male player
That was able
to learn to
Thomas Tuchal dance
so he can
Jive around Conte
and shake his
Hand and not
hold on for
An age waiting
Spurs stop cheating
in order to
Upset whinging Chelsea
who spend money
More money than
Blackburn have ever
Seen in brown
envelopes from unknown
Pie makers from
the East End
Of Wigan where
they dance every
Night over a
Bed of hot
coals, which caused
Minor burns to
Their dangly bits
Due to Jon
not enforcing the
Shorts must be
worn at all
Times to prevent
a build up
Of toxic gases
that endanger many
Persons in the
lift to the
Top of the
tallest tower in
New York City
where the view
Of the statue
Of liberty is
available for all
to take photos
At an inflated
price from the
Mostly gullible Americans
who love to
Brag about everything
trying to impress
All the young
people who try
To say 'like'
on social media
and let us
see that they
Are verbally challenged
and try to
Educate them to
use appropriate vocabulary
Without causing offence
because we don`t
want to cause
A mighty uproar
With the young
and inexperienced who
Constantly try to
Change the ways
of long established
Traditions which need
to be respected
For the nation
At this time
when the nation
Is in mourning
for several days
because the queen
passed away last
Week after serving
The country for
a very long
Time from a
Young age with
Food rationing still
In operation and
and a lot
Of hardship which
was endured throughout
The early years
when decisions were
Made to help
as many people
Cope with the
Grief of losing
a loved one
because they always
feel that they
Leicester might win
against all odds
because the fans
aren't happy with
With their leaky
defence which doesn't
Seem to know
how to be
Able to stop
the ball from
Ending up in
in the net
When it should
be hoofed away
Into the stands
where someone would
Throw it back
to cause a
Ripple of applause
among the restless
Prawn sandwich brigade 🍤🍤
who pay inflated
Prices to watch
Sub standard football
from a heated
outdoor seating area
which doesn't feel
All that warm
in the Winter
When it's raining
because they have
nothing to protect
Them from the
strong and driving
Rain that falls
from the guttering
Onto the unprotected
seats which causes
Major soggy bottoms
which spoils the
Creases in your
Brand new shorts
bought at the
Local charity shop
At knock down
sales prices on
All the stock
given by the
Charitable people who
hope that everything
Will go to
where it's needed
And appreciated by
the people who
Like to eat
all kinds of
Fried rubbish that
Is served up
for breakfast in
Posh cafés up
town where everyone
Likes to show
off by talking
About there new
mobile phone which
Are so advanced
That the morons
don't have to
To even think
about what they
will use as
a means of
Photographing their food
for social media
To make comments
about where they
Like to eat
and to promote
Places for free
which is a
Shame because they
should think about
Their waist line
and weight problems
Caused by junk
mail being delivered
To their phones
at all times
From unknown numbers
that create a
Bit of a
shock if they
Get a rude
comment or gesture
Which they report
to the moderator
Who totally ignored
what was happening
Because they aren't
too bothered about
What is said
as it's short-lived
And they have
more important things
To deal with
during the present
Climate when we
are focused on
Putting food on
the table for
Our kids to
enjoying eating before
Drinking their cold
Energy drinks that
make them feel
Like superman so
they do crazy
Things and end
Up flat out
with no idea
Of what's happening
in the real
World where unfortunately
things aren't as
As rosy for
the masses who
Are being overrun
By government lackies
who try to
Tell the train
drivers to go
Back to work
Instead of dragging
on their dispute
Affecting lives of
commuters and tourists
But they dont
want to be
Grafting like real
public service workers
Who are so
concerned about their
Their next teabreak
and what will
Happen to their
pension pot in
The coming months
as changing interest
In the way
that everything is
Done will help
to create a
Better place for
The older generation
who want a
Mobility scooter and
a quiet place
Just like here
as everyone has
Gone on strike
as a protest
Of doing a
disappearing act when
Required to do
something that might
Bring them out
of hiding and
Into the office
and start to
Catch up on
The work that
The lazy people
seem to be
Drop on someone
which is not
What they want
as it might
Just cause some
damage to their
Bank accounts that
aren't gaining interest
Because of the
low level of
Interest from the
buiding societies which
Goes up slower
Than James Vardy
the hero of
The travelling folk
who drive to
West Ham every
week to see
Declan Rice move
like an old
Donkey Adams look
a-like which isn't
Very flattering if
you know what
He was like
Grazing at Highbury
and drinking lots
Of brown ale
bought in supermarkets
Or certain off
licences that are
Scattered around the
North of England
for the benefit
Of Bob and
his band of
Blackburn stalwarts imbibe
lots of pints
And a nice
Vindaloo after all
that excitement before
Spurs actually get
somewhere close to
Winning a game
and a trophy
Wife for the
time that elapses
Between matches at
this time of
Year because its
usually there are
More people to
encourage the other
To invest in
a less risky
Way to secure
those hard earned
Pounds from their
state pension fund
which needs a
large increase to
To fulfil his
ambition of going
To stay in
the place where
He's always wanted
to be seen
With the katest
range of designer