Author Topic: Disaster in Barnsley  (Read 492 times)

Offline TamaraEnLaPlaya

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Disaster in Barnsley
« on: March 30, 2018, 01:31:38 am »
This is another old one but still makes me chuckle.

Disaster in Barnsley
An Appeal for Your Help

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours
of Tuesday morning. Epicentre: Close to Barnsley, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing
pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering
"attractive (to me anyway)" and "choffin-norah".

The earthquake decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several
priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish
Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars
were disturbed.

Many locals were woken up well before their Giro arrived. Radio Barnsley
reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still
trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
happened in Barnsley.

One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom
crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was
still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".

Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime
carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals,
rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of
personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke
at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help....?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the
victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

*   Fila or Burberry baseball caps

*   Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)

*   Shell suits (female)

*   White sports socks

*   Rock-Fort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your
efforts will make a difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not give anything that requires peeling.


*   22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

*   £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

*   £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

Please do not send tents for shelter.

The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding
South Yorkshire communities.

Offline fatherted

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Re: Disaster in Barnsley
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2018, 17:53:29 pm »
Nah just behave thisen sithee owd male bird